Angry Much?

(From http://dwellingintheword.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/35)

Do you ever just get so mad you want to scream? Throw things, stomp around, slap the offender or just, just....really rub in how ARRRRRGH the whole thing is to make sure IT NEVER EVER HAPPENS AGAIN? And then when you're a bit calmer and you're thinking back to Sunday school and that dang 70 times 7 lesson about forgiveness and you're a bit chagrined for having behaved like a fool, so you chill and apologize for blowing your top but then discuss why you blew your top and what events led up to your feeling so ridiculously helplessly out-of-control-ly FURIOUS??

.....and then it happens again??

Mad. Calmer, but upset. Forgiving, understanding, emotion sharing... crisis over.

....and then it happens AGAIN.

......and again....

.....and again.....

And it's not always the EXACT same thing, or situation, it's just the same pattern, the same...disappointment, frustration, hurt.... leading to the same anger at the sense of betrayal.

And you get to the point where as much as you NEED to SCREAM to release the pressure that's building up there's just not point anymore because it's not like anyone's listening, or that they care. Or at least not that they care enough to do anything about it. Nothing big enough to make a difference, anyway.

So, eventually it will blow over. You will be perceived as being a holy terror, a tremendous over-reactor... time will "heal" and you'll get over it. And the cycle will just keep going on and on and on and on.

When people totally SNAP, like, flip their lid, lose grip on reality, give up, whatever.... I wonder how many gazillion times they've been through the cycle before it's too much.

I wonder how many times I have in me....

(In lieu of screaming my head off and waking up my Little Miss let me just say: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Hum drum and la dee daaa

So, TRYING to get back in the swing of things over here..... I've just deleted a bunch of aimless rambling that bored me to WRITE sooooo... yeah.

I feel like hooey today, which is thrilling. It's like, I'm not sick, but I'm not not sick. I'm fine and functioning, but just aaaaacccccccchhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggg for my bed. But it's not [just] that I'm tired, I'm just....blech. It's also, very very very boooooooooooring.

Sooooooo...

let me take you to some of my favourite places on the interweb! hahaha WAHOO! I know, right? SO exciting!

CAKEWRECKS
THIS BLOG is, I think, the only thing ever, EVER, I've read on the internet that had me doubled over with laughter. These people are BEYOND funny. OH. MI. GAWSH. I can only imagine if you have any inclination for baking cakes that it would be about a trillion times funnier, but what do I know? Past chocolate chip cookies (which I have absolutely, 100% MASTERED, by the by) I'm not a baker. At all.

My most absolutely favourite two posts I've found on Cakewrecks so far? This one and this one. Read them. Love them. Laugh. Aaaaaaaand, actually, maybe make sure you go pee BEFORE you go visit the site, JUST IN CASE. ;)

Alright, well, that's enough today. I know I said "places" a minute ago, buuuut my couch and book are calling to me as Little Miss is busy stuffing her face with "gabwana" - she totally just ran over and said "trick or treat! I want some candy." She then settled on asking for a banana... - and watching Go Diego Go.

sneeze Ugh. Excuse me.

I know. I suck. ;)

I'm not going to lie, I missssssss blogging. But I just don't have anything interesting to say lately! hahaha Well, assuming anything I had to say ever was interesting in the first place - I've heard bloggers accused of being very egocentric thinking that anyone would give a crap to stop by and read whatever doldrums come rambling out through their fingers that day.... (shrug) Whatever.

I've had some GREAT run-ins with baby-making/planning questions lately, which have been a blast, but as that topic apparently offends some I feel I can't write about it. Though I will say that I was recently told that the longer a woman waits between children the lazier, and consequentially worse and worse a mother, she becomes. Followed up a week later by someone doing a water evaluation in my home asking me if we're planning on having another one anytime soon. Yeah. The water evaluation guy. 'Cause you know, we're tight like that. (rolling eyes)

What else can I tell you?

I was in a fairly crippling funk the better part of last year, I'm not going to lie. Made for some pretty interesting goings on over here AAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnddddd all the weight I lost and then some has come RACING back on. Which I think I may have said at some point - who knows? My blogging has been nothing if not sporadic the last year or so. Anyway, I put on so much weight that a couple of months ago I actually got into an argument at church, with a lovely busy-body who, by the way thinks Little Miss is small because she doesn't get enough exercise - if she's getting enough exercise then she'll sleep well at night and she'll grow when she's sleeping, so the fact she's petite OBVIOUSLY proves she's not getting enough exercise (rolling eyes. Again) - in a choir practice I was directing. In front of actually, like, our full choir that day. It rarely happens, but we finally have a good crowd and she up and says "are you pregnant?"

"No."

"No, you are. You're pregnant."

"No, I'm really not."

"No, Little Miss needs a sibling. I know. You're pregnant."

"I assure you I'm NOT pregnant."

"I'm sure you're pregnant."

"I'm NOT pregnant. I've put on about 20 or more pounds in the last few months. Thank you for noticing and pointing it out to everyone."

"No, you're pregnant."

"I am not pregnant. I keep peeing on the sticks and they keep saying 'no' so I'm pretty sure, I just got really fat."

"I'm sure you're pregnant."

I promise it went down just like that. Just like in the movies when a KID asks a fat lady when the baby is due, but it wasn't a kid, and she wouldn't DROP it!

So...that, and my MOM admitting how fluffy I'd gotten.... yeah, it got pretty out of hand.

It happens to me sometimes. I just get out of my groove and lose control. I hardly EVER have control of my eating habits, but I'm fairly good at staying on top of the exercise. It's a pain, now, 'cause I'm much better, and back to it - I've been exercising/running frequently probably for at least a couple of months, now - but I have SO MUCH WORK to do to get back to where I'd already worked so hard to get! hahaha And it's not even 'yo-yo' dieting, just.....yo-yo funkifying? Anyway, whatever. I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Aaaaaaaaand, now that I'm boring ME I'm going to call it quits for the day (week? month? months? WHO knows?) aaaaaaand see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get outta' bed again in the morning and fit a 5K in before Mr. Man heads off to work. I like that schedule.

Cheers!

Getting off my Arse?

Okay, well, I HAVEN'T exercised today, no.  Sorry. 

BUT...I DID dig my weight bench & paraphernalia out of the back CLOSET where it's been sitting for...ever?  And THAT took some SERIOUS cleaning and reorganizing of my basement.  Which isn't done.  And, apparently, never will be.... it's been an ongoing process since we moved in about 4.5 years ago.  Yeah, apparently it's just not meant to be usable space down there.  Which frustrates the heck out of me.  But that's another story all together.

I figured, though, I should check in.  I want to get back to this blog's original purpose - to keep me motivated, honest with myself, and keep track!!  So hopefully, if I don't forget (no promises) I'll hop on my Wii Fit later tonight and see just HOW bad the damage is after so many months of idleness aaaaand, I dunno.  We'll have the new starting point?  Sure.  Sounds good.

Well, on THAT note, I need to get back up off my giant rear and get back to cleaning this dumping zone we inhabit.  I wonder if I'll find the floor in the bedroom before going to bed tonight.  Huh.

Remember when....

Hey, it's me! 

Remember way back when in August I said I'd be back to blogging?

Remember when I used to use this blog to confess my I'm-a-kinesiologist-in-training-and-absolutely-know-better trespasses against my athletic physique?

Remember back in the spring, when I was practically SKINNY??

Remember when I qualified as a "runner"?

Remember when it didn't hurt to wear pants that don't belong to Mr. Man?

Remember when I used to fit a bra without that horrid my-boobs-are-too-big-for-this-but-I-apparently-like-to-look-like-a-hootchie-with-the-boob-bulge-over-this-line thing going on?  Because I had fantastically SMALL boobs????

Remember when I could do the 300 workout in under an hour, and found some definition under all my post-baby belly fat??

Remember when I used to love Yogilates??

Remember when I did the 30-day-challenge with some friends to test if we had any idea what we were talking about trying to help people with weightloss goals??

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have been itching to blog for...well, months, now.  But I've been WAY too embarrassed.  My CLOTHES do NOT fit, and I'm not even only talking about my fantastic, new-within-the-last-year-since-I-ACTUALLY-hit-the-impossible-Gap-8 clothes (which, by the way, are excruciatingly painful, if I can get them on at ALL...).  I saw my reflection the other day while cooking in my mom's kitchen for Thanksgiving - I'm HONESTLY starting to look like a fat girl - my thighs come so so soooooooo together WAY too early at what should be the top of my legs, but is really around my knees... it makes each movement look like one leg is going to have to go through the other in order to take a step forward.  I mean, I have giant, soccer-playing legs to begin with, but then there's all this...this.... GROSSSSSSSSSSSS around it and it's busting out of my pants.  And let's not even get INto my muffin top.  I mean, muffins?  PLEASE!  This is an entire CAKE busting out of not just the top of my pants (belt is like the cruelest word EVER right now - I fold over and cry in pain at the thought of attempting to cinch around this monstrosity).  And not only my pants, but my shirts, blouses....  If I'm not wearing a pair of my husband's baggy jeans and a sweatshirt I can guarantee you I am agonizingly uncomfortable, and super overly conscious of every jiggle, wiggle, waggle, and cellulite-loaded flapping-in-the-wind. 

I. Feel. Disgusting. 

My treadmill is STILL broken.  That thing has turned out to be the biggest joke on me, EVER.  And I KNOW the weather's actually PERFECT for running right now, because it's just cool enough without being biting, to keep a run a very comfortable affair.... but I'm so FAT and my running clothes, OBVIOUSLY are not MEANT to be worn by someone as chunky as me.  I feel like taking this thing out, dressed in THAT, is just cruelty to the world... and I can't seem to get myself past that mental hurdle and out on the street to go for a run.  I feel like I NEED my treadmill operational or I'm just going to keep expanding until I explode....which could be very soon because, SERIOUSLY, my clothes don't fit.  (Cautionary note: if you're hanging out with me any time soon, you MAY want to wear safety goggles to protect your eyes from sky-rocketing buttons flying from my overtaxed apparel...)

Please please, don't post that I'm silly, that I look great, and you don't know what I'm talking about.  YOU'RE silly if you can't see the difference between now and back when school ended and I was on top of things.  School ended, my routine got off, and it's just never gotten back on.  I'm NOT crazy.  I may slightly overstate the problem, but it is a problem.  When your mother will (grudgingly - she's still my mom! I'm always gorgeous to her) admit to you that your weight is ballooning you KNOW there's a problem. 
I can tell every morning when I open my drawers that there's a problem....

Though I know that I haven't been pregnant I was kinda' hoping that maybe by NOW I'd be pregnant and I could kind of excuse myself my holy-super-fatty transgressions and aim for slower-weight-gain pregnancy this time around.  BUT, of course, as in keeping with the year, I am NOT.  Big surprise there. 

So... I can keep wallowing in my expand-a-butt glory...which has honestly been going on for months.  And, really, may continue.  Or I can do something about it.  I hope I do something about it - I'm tired of feeling like this.  My brother's perfectly petite, dwarf-of-a-girlfriend came for Thanksgiving, ate reasonable amounts of food, and after her ONE splurge the entire weekend says "oh, I workout."  Well, congratulations, and hooray for you.  Even when I HAVE a really long, good go of on-the-wagon working out, I NEVER have and never WILL have the obvious success YOU have, so please, yes, rub that in my chipmunk-cheeked face again. 

You know what else is just ironic about the whole thing??  I'm currently growing my hair out.  hahaha  Okay, so I know I'm the only person on the planet who would ever find that funny, but last time I cut it short, before I got pregnant and had Little Miss, I always said I'd never ever grow it out long again unless I lost a tonne of weight and actually hit size 8.  Which I NEVER thought would be possible.  But I just think I look so extra CHUNKY with long hair, and I should keep it shorter unless my face was thin enough to pull it off....  Anyway, so I LOSE all the weight, do that silly play (remember when I was in a play?) and then decide life will be easier if my hair is longer NEXT year when we do the play again..... so I'm growing my hair out.  And I'm probably the fattest I've been in the last three years, barring immediately after giving birth.

Mom thinks my waist size is directly linked to my happiness level. 

I just think I need to figure out this stupid food problem.  I hate food. 

I need some popcorn.

Summer Lovin'

Alright.  So you have to admit, that even in the heat of the moment when I was as ill, exhausted, and ticked off as i was that I KNEW I'd be back.  I mean, the title of the last thing I wrote WAS "The Blog's End............at least for now." 

Anyway, after I flipped my lid, which I absolutely did, and re-read through everything I though, huh, maybe a TEENY bit of an overreaction?  hahaha  But I DO plead the I-was-ill-and-sleepy-and-couldn't-sleep-torqued-up, so for the sake of my falling asleep it had to be done. ;)

THAT said, even with this absolutely nothing going on or to write about, I'm back.  (Oh, please, you can all stop your cheering.  No, seriously, stop.  Thanks, but....  No really.  Stop.) O:-)

It's been a good summer!  Little Miss and I keep busy chillaxing with our neighbourhood friends (yeah, she still goes to daycare just about every day, except now her mommy goes with her!  HA!) some days in the backyard, some at one of the city's wading pools (those are GREAT!  Little Miss can run around the whole thing and the deepest section comes up to her chin!  Deep enough for us grownups to get wet and cool off but shallow enough to not kill the children (when supervised properly, of course).  It's GREAT.

Currently Little Miss and I are hanging out at a cottage my parents rented for the bunch of us for a couple weeks up by the beach.  We're on day two of our vacation and just having a blast.  One of my darling dearest best pals and her sister (who I also love) were already up here so came yesterday (the lazy bums are still sleeping - psht!) to hang with us.  Anyway, the long and short of it is that we're having a blast.  The waves on the lake yesterday were absolutely insane - I don't recall ever seeing them so huge!  QUITE the undercurrent, which, when we stayed in the shallower-ish water (instead of traipsing out until both the water and waves were crashing over our heads and we were sputtering for air... eh, B? hahaha) was an ABSOLUTE BLAST!  

And, in addition to my love and business for scrapbooking I've fallen head-over-heels in love with jewelry making!  I know, right?  All these very-ME-ish rough n' tumble activities of mine.... oy!  I LOVE making jewelry, and have way too much soooooo I'm dragging a couple friends of mine with me into business selling it, so I can make more and more and more! hahaha (You can check us out on Facebook - Mr. Man has been researching website options for me but in the meantime our Facebook page will be it! hahaha)  So I'm sitting up at the cottage with my beads and my paper crafting and feeling like one of the biggest nerds ever and absolutely LOVING it. 

Anything else I can bore you with??  Oh yes.  I need to update you on my expanding girth, UGH, but I'll save that for another day.

Little Miss is awake!  Gotta go! 

The blog's end. (For now, at least).

I haven't been blogging, anywhere, at all, lately.  I would love to be, but there are so many things I would love to be doing and they're not getting done either soooo... MEH. 

Initially the blog started to help me with my health goals, and keeping myself responsible to the void that is the internet universe instead of just my inner daemons about my exercise habits.  And while that's currently a constant struggle since school's end with either Little Miss or my near constant state of illness, I have, obviously, ceased using this for that purpose. 

I'm once again ill, surprise surprise, and while I lay in bed tonight longing for the fatigue that will lead to sleep and help bolster what's left of my shoddy immune system, I find I cannot shut the last anonymous comment I got on my blog out of my head.

I have been accused of many things and of being many things.  But when I'm attacked by commentators too chicken to put a face to their criticisms I have a hard time letting it go.  Does sitting safely behind your screen typing insults at people make YOU feel better?  I certainly hope so and suggest you man-up and sign your name. 

I've been accused of being selfish, stubborn, and rude.  I'm FULLY aware of my grade A bitch streak.  I whine more than my 2 year old.  I am about as far away from negligent of my many, many flaws as one can get.  So come here, where I take slight pleasure from sharing scholastic information, posting family pictures, suggesting tips and techniques to make your exercise more useful and letting out VERY carefully edited and cautious rants on occasion and JUDGE me?  Whatever.  Tonight, I DO care, and that's a deal breaker for me.  I'm done with this.  Maybe if I ever get better from being sick I'll see fit to post again, but for now, you critical anonymous authors (don't worry, last-anon-commenter, though you were the straw you have certainly not been the first, though if I had an opportunity right now I'd love to take your holier-than-thou assumptions about me and, well, I'm sure you can dream up some BITTER end to that thought) have ruined this.

Maybe now that I've said my piece my brain will shut off and I'll be able to sleep.