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| (image from http://www.letstalkbabies.com/2009/08/19/first-day-of-school-jitters/) |
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So, I told you I'd tell you about my first day of school.
It was...thrilling, horrifying, humiliating, and fabulous all rolled into one.
Now, you may or may not realize right of the bat, that being in school for massage therapy means that one is going to spend some time being massaged (oh horror of horrors). Which is...a clothingless experience. There are sheets, everything's covered, it's very tasteful and modest, and whatever, but you know. You're not clothed. Except for knickers - knickers can absolutely be left on and will almost never be, um, 'in the way' unless you actually need your glutes worked on or something. So fine. Lots of almost-but-not-quite-naked. No big deal. Right?
In fact, I've been told it's better to be fully nude when getting a massage - again, EVERYTHING is covered and fabulously tasteful, but underneath the sheets I'm usually in my birthday suit. (Sorry for the TMI. Stop now if you're getting fidgety...)
Did you know that on the first DAY (at least in this accelerated post-graduate program) you strip down and hop on the tables?? Not going to lie, didn't know we'd be moving into things THAT quickly....
So I went to school, well, let's just say NOT PREPARED, alright? And I had NO IDEA. I'm not going to lie, my regular every day underwear makes 'granny panties' look like a lacy Victoria's Secret thong in comparison, okay? And we don't have to get into what the heck, why, whatever - be they control top, boy shorts, just weird freak things, religious, whatever, that's my regular knicker M.O., okay? Can I just say, panties down to your knees does NOT work for uncovering legs for massage. Another reason I tend to strip all the way down.
We're sitting in class and the instructors, who are a HOOT and instruct the class as though they're addressing a room full of already-very-qualified adults - which they are - and not a room full of school children (it's a weird teacher/student dynamic but I'm very much enjoying it), are talking about clinic etiquette during class. Basically what to expect and what to do when we get into the clinic room in five minutes, so we're not all standing there going, duuuuuhh.... what?? So fine.
And then the instructors, after telling us to pair up, find a table, pick one of us to be ON the table, pull the curtains, and strip down....
....tell us to leave on our underwear. 'Cause, you know, we're first-timers and don't want to accidentally flash anyone's anything to anyone and whoopsies-did-I-just-see-your-THAT-ohmigosh-I'm-SO-SORRY is just a situation we want to avoid. Really the underwear itself should never be seen, but again, we're first-timers, so who knows??
...and I feel my breathing constrict a bit as my anxiety level bumps up a notch... 'cause, well, you know, I usually take my knickers off....
...and THEN these fabulous instructors start in on this hilarious, horrifying tale of one class' "Creepy Bob" who no matter what they did was just so dang comfortable in his skin he didn't care who was where or saw what, and definitely never left his knickers on. Which in turn totally freaked out his classmates who were still getting used to and comfortable with the idea of having their hands all over another person's naked body for an extended period of time and har dee har har the whole thing was very uncomfortable and makes for a hilarious story now.
...well, hot freaking dang, what am I supposed to do? I'm bloomin' CREEPY BOB because MY KNICKERS GO TO MY KNEES.
My heart rate is through the roof, I'm sure my face was flushed as it gets when my anxiety sky rockets, I'm fidgeting, and trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to DO because I didn't BRING massage-appropriate panties to the first day of class because WHO THE HECK KNEW I'd NEED them five minutes in??
So fine, you know what? I'm just going to tell my partner. Hey, partner, this is awkward, but my knickers go to my knees and I'm thinking, unfortunately, I need to pull a creepy Bob on you and go commando. And you know what, she was GREAT. She was GREAT!! So, crisis averted, fabulous, we've acknowledged that I'm Creepy Bob and we're working around it. Fabulous.
I don't remember how she ended up on the table first, but she did, which was fine, and after I got over the initial shock that we were pulling the curtains all the way open after everyone was on the tables (so yes, half of the 20-person class is laying naked, face down, under sheets, in a room full of other naked people and onlookers so everyone can see everyone and everyone's business and everything that's going on, 'cause you know, that in itself isn't horrifying) I got to work practicing draping and undraping various parts of her anatomy - back, legs, arms - when, get this, the instructor, in the interest of promothing class cohesion, yells "ROTATE!"
ROTATE! Rotate?! ROTATE?!?!?! Away from my PARTNER? Who knows all about my horrific panty problem??
And, wouldn't you know, the next table contained a mostly-naked BOY who was in my university class. The ONLY other person in the room I kind of know a little bit. Aaaaaaaaand by the way, he's friggin GORGEOUS.
OhmigoshIwanttodie. OhmigoshIwanttodie. OhmigoshIwanttodie.
ROTATE!!
Please, someone. Anyone. Have mercy. Please don't make me keep touching naked strangers and can I get a fairy-godmother to wave a wand and fit me a pair of bikini bottoms, please? PLEASE?? Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.....
FINALLY, thank goodness, the rotating stopped. And it's time to switch, so the naked folks on the tables are to get dressed and it's my turn to be....CREEPY BOB.
So exciting.
Obviously, if we're rotating, telling my new partner of my predicament isn't sufficient. So I spoke to one of the instructors quickly and she LAUGHED and said "It's FINE! It's usually better to be fully naked for massage anyway!" PHEW!
Anxiety over Creepy Bobiness subsides a wee wee wee little bit.
And I speak briefly to my new partner. Who, ohmigoodness was SO good about it.
So, we pulled the curtains, I stripped down to NOTHING, and then tried my DARNDEST to cover up on the table before announcing the curtains could be opened for the entire universe to see me.
And then the instructors announce we're running a bit short on time so we won't be rotating.
WIN!
....and then they decide they're going to teach us how to turn a patient....
...and the instructor comes to me.
On my table.
Laying completely NAKED under a sheet and a blanket.
Oh my dear me.
If I were wearing one of those beeping heart rate monitors that day, oy vey.
And she proceeds to teach the class how to turn a person over.
THANK GOODNESS we have to learn how to do it such that no one can see ANYTHING and not in the lift-the-sheet-up-high-and-look-the-other-way method that I've experienced in massages in the past (the examiners don't really appreciate it when you fully expose your test-body, apparently, when you take the registration exams - who woulda' thunk it?) but can I just tell you, moving around under a sheet being held in two places by a woman leaning over you...doesn't leave you feeling much of anything BUT exposed to the universe.
But then, it was over. I survived. I was eventually allowed to get up OFF of the table (with the curtains closed so NOT the whole class could look). I managed to get dressed, pack up my things, and even drive home that evening.
And you know what, other than the first day's shock-and-horror factors, as I said before, I am LOVE LOVING this program and loving massage. DEFINITELY made the right choice doing this. I'm excited.
And I take massage-appropriate knickers with me to class now so I don't have to stress about being the class' Creepy Bob. :-)
