Almost over. For real this time.

image from http://blog.runalong.se/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/finishline.jpg

So, I probably should have posted something, but a while ago I decided to put a moratorium on blogging until I finished writing my paper.  A few times since I've logged into my blogger dashboard and clicked on "new post" and then remembered OH yeah.... creative juices are to be saved for the time being.... which is maybe silly because blogging can, at times, be such a fantastic outlet for me, and writing this thing.... oy.  But I think it was a good thing.  Sitting here now writing this dribble feels like a REWARD and isn't accompanied by the sometimes sheepish feeling I get when I'm blogging instead of doing my homework. 

Draft 1 of the paper..... IS FINISHED.  I can't BELIEVE how amazing it feels.  I'm not even DONE DONE done yet - still have to e-mail it to my prof, who will read it and give feedback, and then I'll have until next Friday for revisions - but the huge project is finished.  It's done.  I can actually see the finish line.  I can take tomorrow to spend with my family and not feel a moment's guilt for not opening a text book or reading a scientific article.  

On the other hand, I have SO much information rattling around in my brain about eating disorders and possible familial risk factors I'm a little useless in...just about everything.  hahaha  I was on the phone a couple of hours ago with just a great gal I work with in Yoli who has this great strategy for our marketing campaigns and I could barely get out "uh, duh, yup - sounds good.  Um, okay."  hahaha it was BRUTAL. 

So when my head's back on straight and reconnected with LIFE I'll write and fill you in on some of the super exciting things that have been going on in our house lately, my training progress, my complete and absolute FAILURE in some things (oh holy cow am I ever a stress eater.  And I'm DANG GOOD at hiding it from people.  I'm so glad I have HERE to come and confess my wrongdoings, geeeeeeeeeeze.  Keeps me accountable, and lets me get it out there.  

Anyway, while I'm coasting on boring-old auto-pilot I wanted to send you over to a few of my favourite blogs; some are older and well-established, and some not so much.  

First: Reflections of a Recovering Food Addict.  I ADORE this blog.  I know, I know.  It's only 4 posts in, but what she lacks in longevity she makes up for in honesty. When you get to her page scroll down and read from the beginning so you can take the whole journey with her.  I LOVE it.  Leave her a comment, follow her blog, whatever you can do to give her the support she needs and help keep her on track.  This gal is incredible and I love her to bits!! 

Second: Healthy Families. This blog's done by a recent acquaintance of mine who is an absolute peach.  While I don't agree with EVERYTHING she posts (there's at least one post mentioning a magic way to reduce cellulite - I hate to break it to you guys, but "cellulite" is totally made up - it's JUST FAT.  Adipose tissue is lumpy and dimply, and when it's subcutaneous like we find around the tops of our thunder thighs it looks gasp lumpy and dimply.  Rubbing cream on it or using a brush on it isn't going to make it go away.  Eating right and exercising will help, but almost everyone has at least a little bit SOMEwhere - sorry, was that a tangent??) I absolutely ADORE what she's doing.  She just LOVES health and being healthy, and decided to blog about it to maybe help someone else love it as much as she does.  I don't even think she has AdSense on her blog, so she's not getting ANYTHING out of it except satisfaction of writing awesome health-tip posts.  Read her, follow her, and love what she has to offer. 

Third: Run Faster, Mommy! I found this blog listed on someone else's - this gal definitely does not know I exist, but I love reading her posts.  She's much more hardcore into running than I am, but has TWO bambinos, a husband, and is working on HER undergraduate degree in exercise science, I think.  I love her descriptions of races, her rationale for running, reading about her reaching personal bests, having horrible training days, and everything else.  I think I just relate to her so much I find her a great read.  

And that is that for now.  Little Miss needs cuddling, and I could use some myself.  

I can't believe I really really am almost done school.  Wow.

Coming up...

This week:

Monday:
8am group presentation on case study. (Finished powerpoint this afternoon during first session of General Conference - huzzah multitasking).

Wednesday:
Written portion of "practical" exam for athletic therapy class. (Studying not started)
Submit part 2 of independent study paper. (Part 2 not started)

Thursday:
Practical exam for athletic therapy class (as long as I pull "ankle taping" from the pile I'm good to go. Yeah...studying not started).

Friday:
HUGE deadline for awesome, amazing, I'm-so-excited-it's-killing-me project for Yoli (information forthcoming). Deadline USED to be Tuesday but got pushed due to rushing. (....BARELY started this...technical stuff involved so could be super quick and easy or, with my luck, will take the entire week all on its own).

Friday night?
TOTALLY VEGETATING.

Running 5K with my dad.

So it's Easter weekend. Which, at least last year, was a total write-off. I'm pretty sure I didn't even attend any Easter dinners really last year, even though I was at my parents' house for the weekend, but I was holed up in a room by myself studying and doing homework. I was so so so frantic with schoolwork last year at Easter I even sent poor Mr. Man and Little Miss off to my in-laws BY THEMSELVES.

I know. I'm a horrible person.

Maybe this school-is-life approach should have been in full force today, but I will admit: I definitely took a "vacation day."

On this vacation day my dear, darling dad had expressed interest in joining me for a 5K run. Now, my dad is not (currently) a runner, though he's been tossing the idea around for over a year now if memory serves correctly. He seems to like the IDEA of running, but just hasn't got into it yet, I guess.

My dad is also 62.

And HILARIOUS. Which has nothing to do, really, with my story today, but it needs to be said. My dad is usually said to be one of the funniest people that anyone who knows him knows. (hahaha follow that?)

So, my 62-year-old non-runner dad, after some rather lengthy discussion about diet and exercise and increasing activity levels decides to run 5 kilometres.

Which, really, I REALLY think he could have done. OBVIOUSLY we would have taken our (very sweet, sweet SLOOOOOOOOW) time to make sure he didn't have a heart attack or injure himself in some way, and gosh darn it, the first time I ran 5K that's exactly what I did. I just did it. I wanted to see if I could and so I did. (It took me 38 minutes. hahaha W.O.W.)

My mother is ALSO hilarious, but for different reasons. She's just adorable, which the horribly cynical, sick, and twisted members of the family (like...all the rest of us?) find quite amusing. Anyway, Mom was CONVINCED that Dad was NOT going to make it back alive if he tried to run 5K with me today. Which I have to admit I took a LITTLE bit personally - I mean, I'm going to SCHOOL for this stuff - I'm not an IDIOT! I know all about progression and injury prevention and blah blah blah - I was NOT going to push him hard, just move him far, you know?? And I was going to MAKE him walk up the hills 'cause while he thinks it's nothing I KNOW they're hard.

Anyway, Mom thought Dad was going to die, and made me take one of our cell phones. Which, I'm sure you can imagine, just looked and felt RIDICULOUS bouncing around in one of the useless pockets in my running shorts. I had to tie the drawstring like, EXTRA tight so I didn't feel, whether in reality or not, like my shorts were falling down!

So Dad and I head out the front door. And he says, okay, let's go! AAaaand I said...NO WAY! We have to warm up (and by WE I mean specifically YOU, Mr!) So I made him walk for a few minutes. We walked to the end of the street - not the longest warm up but not TOO too short, and he was chomping at the bit to get going....

We're sauntering along the road chatting and laughing at how silly Mom is and how awkward and huge the cell phone felt in my pocket.... we talked about some rude kids not saying "please" when yelling to their mother for something from inside the house.

We got to the end of the road, and I suggested we cross to the other side where we would then start our run. We cross the road. All is well. Beautiful, sunny day, HOT (I think it feels way hotter today than it is because it was winter like, last week? Why were the neighbour kids in bathing suits playing in a sprinkler today?? It DID get to 77 degrees on the inside thermostat - I was DYING) PERFECT day and weather for a good run.

I suggested to Dad that since he's the beginner (not that I'm anything to brag about with this sport, please!) he set the pace. And so he takes a few strides.

And then he teeters.

And he starts laughing.

And I SWEAR it was in slow motion, and yet all of a sudden he was curled up in a ball on the ground.

WHAT the heck just happened??

And WHY the heck am I LAUGHING???

My dad FELL DOWN! SERIOUSLY, like, FIVE STEPS INTO THE RUN!!

Ohmigoodness, if I hadn't been laughing so hard I might have been seriously concerned, but I thought he'd just tripped and he'd get up, brush off, and away we'd go!

So he got up, didn't brush off, turned to find the evil culprit that had tried to take his life (darn ROCK! And honestly it WAS a big one, I PROMISE!) tried to walk to it and REALLY limped. Like, a LOT!

Dad? Are you OKAY??

Honestly, I don't even remember his answer, but I DO remember that I didn't know WHAT to do.

We're thirty seconds from the house - do I call for someone to bring the car? Do I just give him my shoulder to lean on and we'll hobble back up the road?

All the while killing myself laughing.

As he was, too, between winces of pain.

I offered to help, asked repeatedly if he was okay, and eventually we had made our way, slowly, back to the house. Where I of COURSE burst through the door in GALES of laugher, walked into the kitchen where the food preparation for dinner was happening, and tried to explain what had happened.

Only to be followed in by my dad, lots of blood, and the rock that made it all happen.

Seriously, TOO funny. My POOR dad!!

He sat down and took off his shoes and socks. And his one ankle was definitely looking swollen.

Thank goodness I'm in an athletic therapy class right now and the ONE THING I feel I've learned really well in it this semester is how to tape an ankle. :) So we checked his ankle compared to the other, checked for fractures or breaks, checked to make sure he'd inverted it (like, stepped down on the "outside" of the foot)....and we're like 100% sure he's actually sprained his ankle.

As the day wore on the pain grew worse. I sat him with his leg up and lots of ice.... and when he was feeling the need to be more mobile I taped him up (I'm an AWESOME ankle taper! Need something else done...maybe get someone else! hahaha But ANKLES I'm your gal!)

Anyway, long and short of it is that my dad is currently out of commission. He's going to try to see someone about it tomorrow to make sure I'm not missing any busted bones or anything, and to get working on rehab as quickly as possible so he doesn't lose any range of motion in it, but he's DEFINITELY not allowed to come running with me again for a few months, at least.

(I ended up running 5K on the treadmill downstairs while he watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - you know, the gross one that makes me queasy all the time with all the bugs and voodoo.... ick! But MMMMmmmmmmmm........Harrison Ford....)

Sorry, Dad. Better luck next time. :)

No time to write...

...because I've been busy WRITING! hahaha

Have I mentioned that for one of my three final classes (HOORAY!) this semester I'm doing an independent study? So, it's me, a professor, and whatever the heck I want to study.

I'm super excited about it. I've spent the semester so far reading anything and everything I can get my hands on about eating disorders. I've learned SO much. Like, have you ever heard of EDNOS or binge eating disorder? I know, right? What? And did you know you can't be both anorexic and bulimic at the same time but you can SWITCH BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ILLNESSES! AND that anorexia has the highest mortality rate for a psychiatric illness - 10% of those diagnosed will die within 10 years of first presentation either from starvation or suicide.

Seriously, this is intense stuff.

Anyway, I've spent WAY too much time today writing a whopping THREE PAGES (double spaced, no less, hahaha!) introduction for my paper on the family dynamic and it's correlation to development, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders.

And prior to today I've been busy collecting, sorting thoughts, etc. etc. Oh yes, and acting/singing in a play (which I have to write about, I know, I know), trying to find my house under all the mess, keeping up with business (boy do WE have exciting things going on THERE!) and OH yes, the two-and-a-half year old who lives in the house.... what? I have a husband? DARN IT! I KNEW I dropped a ball SOMEwhere!

So I wanted to SHARE with you some of the spoils of my labours thus far... this will be TWEAKED before the full paper is submitted at the beginning of May, but I wanted to post what I have so far.

Read it, love it, and HOLY COW keep coming back because I'll be working on it all month long! :D

In today's North American society there is perceived a huge pressure for individual persons to constantly portray their best selves to the world. This best self encompasses many ideas including attitude, temperament, humour, and most easily and immediately presented, appearance. Unfortunately human nature appears to have many using the means of inter-individual comparison to define their best selves in these manifold aspects of life. Persons of all ages compare themselves to their neighbours, friends, co-workers, famous personalities, and family members. Social ideals for appearance have shifted from full figures, indicating nourishment and affluence, to a preference for “a slender, long-legged, and flat-chested look” (Dumas & Nilsen, 2003, p. 312) leaving persons with larger stature ever envious of their surrounding leaner counterparts, embarrassed that they too do not fit the perfect, slender mold.
“This preoccupation with slimness has continued to increase in recent decades. By the 1990s, middle-class European American girls described the 'ideal' body size as 5'7” tall and 110 pounds. Today, the average weight of fashion models – who are seen by many as standards of American beauty – is lower than the weight of over 95% of women!” (Dumas & Nilsen, p. 313).

Interestingly, over the twentieth century as the aesthetic ideal for female appearance has shifted to thinness the occurrence of eating disorders has dramatically increased (Dumas & Nilsen, 2003, p. 311). This is not to say that the increasingly prevalent ideal of thinness as a cultural norm is the only or even main catalyst causing eating disorders; some “non-Western cultures indicate...patients voluntarily reach an emaciated weight for a variety of psychological reasons” outside of body image disturbances (Cash & Pruzinsky, 2002, p 300). Even with these cultural differences it is near impossible to ignore the apparent dramatic correlation between socially driven thin ideals and the increasing development of eating disordered behaviours associated with body dissatisfaction in local society.
The National Institute of Mental Health (2009) defines an eating disorder as:
“...serious disturbances in eating behaviour, usually in the form of extreme and unhealthy reduction of food intake or severe overeating. They are not due to a failure of will; rather, they are real and treatable medical illnesses in which certain patterns of behaviour get out of control.”

Usually it is expected to see these disorders develop in adolescence and/or early adulthood, but with severe cases documented in patients as young as four (Bar-Or & Rowland, 2004 p.__) it is imperative to understand not only the disease but any potential underlying issues causing it that may be used for prevention in future susceptible cases.
Eating disorders are generally categorized under three headings: anorexia nervosa (AN), bulimia nervosa (BN), and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). While eating disorders are not bound by sex they are found to be much more prevalent in females: it is approximated that only 5% to 15% of AN or BN patients are male (NIMH, 2009). And while AN and BN are believed to afflict a seemingly small percentage of the female population in Western culture, approximately 1% and 1.5% respectively (National Eating Disorder Information Centre, 2008), these percentages translate to 170,074 Canadian women with AN and 255,111 Canadian women struggling with BN during their lives. Both disorders together give an astounding 425,185 Canadian women fighting a life-threatening disease largely characterized by incredibly strong negative body image (numbers calculated based on estimate of approximately 17 million female Canadians in 2009 by Statistics Canada).
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) diagnostic criteria for AN and BN as reported by Dumas and Nilsen (2003) are listed as follows:
Anorexia Nervosa
Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height.
Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
In postmenarcheal females, amenorrhea, i.e. the absence of at least three consecutive menstral cycles.
Bulimia Nervosa
Recurrent episodes of binge eating
recurrent inappropriate compensatory behaviour in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting; misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise.
The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behaviour both occur, on average, at least twice a week for 3 months.
Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of AN.

Both AN and BN are severely detrimental to one's overall well-being, causing manifold problems for patients of either disease, including, but not limited to: irregular heart rhythm, heart disease, osteoporosis, anemia, constipation and bloating, brain and nerve damage, seizures, tooth decay, dehydration, and kidney failure (Katz Group Canada Inc., 2006; National Institute of Mental Health, 2009). Both illnesses if left untreated are life threatening and do result in death. AN also has “the highest mortality rate for any psychiatric illness – it is estimated that 10% of individuals with AN will die within 10 years of the onset of the disorder” (National Eating Disorder Information Centre, 2008) either from starvation or suicide (Shaffer et al., 2002, p 175).
Eating disorders have been shown to stem from a multitude of causes, a fact which appears to hamper the effective treatment and prevention of these insidious diseases in current and potential patients. Available literature on the subject of causation appears to unanimously cite genetic predisposition as a factor, with research of family histories of eating disorder presentation from mothers to daughters and/or twins upholding this theory. Although it is accepted that genetics play a huge role in determining one's susceptibility to eating disorders le Grange et al. (2010) state that “the idea that genes alone account for the development of eating disorders seems implausible.” Cases such as that previously mentioned, with patients presenting AN pathologies as young as four years of age lead to questions about environment and social settings of these children. Many studies have been done investigating the incredibly complicated dynamic of family and its potential role in aiding either in the development or prevention of disordered eating behaviours, and while it seems impossible that family be the main catalyst for AN and BN (le Grange et al.) it is also impossible to ignore the tremendous influence that parents, siblings, and other family members have on a child's developmental psychology and social understandings.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and take your vitamins!"

PLEASE do not let me offend anyone here - this is NOT my intention! Just HAVING been sick the last week and a half and having so much WONDERFUL advice by WONDERFUL people trying to help me get better has maybe left me a little sensitive to the topic? AND I just noticed something on facebook and HAD to comment on it! hahaha

But WHAT THE HECK is it about us that makes us HAVE to fix something if it's broken? But really, that's not even TRUE! HOW LONG does it take you to get around to changing that burnt out light bulb, tightening that screw, rotating your tires or goodness...any NUMBER of things that need to be fixed? And then as soon as it's a PERSON who's broken....

EVERYONE IS AN EXPERT!

And that person MUST BE FIXED IMMEDIATELY.

So there's been a LOT of back and forth over Facebook this week so far about me being sick and how so many others in the cast are coming down with various ailments (I REFUSE to take credit for ALL of them - they canNOT possibly ALL have stemmed from MY sniffles!). And it's been HILARIOUS - these people are absolutely fantastic and I LOVE that I've had this amazing chance to not only meet but get to know so many of them! What a treat!!

So we're posting back and forth and inside out and backwards and all this lovely stuff and listing off everyone who's sick. And my one fantastic, new pal posts a LIST of everyone she knows who's sick in the cast.

And gets this comment:

"just like a virus - extra Vitamin C, liquids and rest"

Dear woman who posted this response:

DUHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I mean COME on, REALLY? REEALLY?? Do people REALLY think that I (or anyone else) REALLY don't know how to take care of a cold? Do you think that a prescription of liquids, rest, and overdosing on vitamin C is a NOVEL idea?? I mean, come on!! We've all been downing extra orange juice (and now YOLI! hahaha), taking chewable orange-flavoured vitamin C tablets, and getting as much extra rest as possible since we were all KIDS following our mothers' how-to-eradicate-a-cold regimen.

And I don't know about everyone else, but it sure as heck doesn't make any difference for me! I'm going to be sick for as long as I'm going to be sick for, and I'm sick often enough to know that this is true! It doesn't matter if I overdose on vitamin C, drink Niagara Falls, or sleep all day. Doesn't matter if I'm downing Buckley's or sucking on Halls. It doesn't matter if I start taking echinacea before, after, or during my symptoms, standing on my head, or hanging out the window. Oil of oreganol does nothing but make me want to gag and sting my sore throat a little going down. Ginger tea is soothing on its way down, but THAT'S IT! When I'm sick I'm sick and I'm sick so there's nothing to be done about it. Doesn't matter if the good ol' doc swabs my throat and puts me on some pricey medication, or if I get a chiropractic adjustment to stimulate my immune system, or I dance the hokey pokey and turn myself about. My cold's going to last as long as my cold's going to last.

SOMETIMES I'll get a new suggestion, like I didn't know you can take ColdFX once your cold has already HIT (though I need to do some research and find out what the heck is IN that stuff before I decide if I'm going to try it next time around) and have learned you can take it while you're sick and for some people it helps clear it up faster. I'll be GOBSMACKED if it makes a difference in me but there ya' go.

So WHY oh WHY do we all ALWAYS offer this ridiculous, everyone-already-knows-it, USELESS advice?? I'm SURE I do it, too!! "Oh, you have H1N1? Dance a jig while singing a sea-chantey and it'll clear up A-Okay just as quick as can be!"

My FAVOURITE, though, was at the dress rehearsal, where I didn't participate, I just sat in the back, feeling like death, and watched. There was a friend I don't see all the time at the rehearsal to take some pictures and I went to say hello, keeping my distance just in case I was contagious, and another woman upon overhearing my ridiculously weakened "hello" said, "Oh! You have strep throat! Have you been to the doctor? That sounds like strep throat." Like there was NO question.

Ohmigosh, seriously? And where's YOUR medical degree? From the university of voodoo witch-doctor hearing diagnoses? PLEASE!

PLEASE, again, I hope not to have offended anyone - I REALLY REALLY do appreciate the care and concern - I just think I'm a bit hypersensitive to it at the moment being so engrossed in it and I got to thinking about...what the heck is it about us and our society that makes us DO that? hahaha And SOME of it really is that ridiculous. hahaha

When you get sick be on the watch for my "drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest, and drink some Yoli!" suggestions! ;) I'm sure they're forthcoming!

Where's the Romance?

Today the Jedi and I got in an argument. WHICH is absolutely normal for us - our very strange friendship THRIVES on arguing. Goodness, if we didn't argue...what would we do? hahaha We argue about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, today's argument was about romance. I don't even remember how it started - Jedi! How the heck did we get ON this discussion? OH, I remember! And I won't tell you the details but we were talking about using poetry as a romantic tool.

The Jedi thinks it's a great idea and very romantic.....

...and I laughed him under the table. hahaha

I've always HATED poetry when it comes to being romantic. I think it's one of the most cheesy, ridiculous, romantic-comedy-type prescribed things you can do. I dated a guy once when I was a teenager who loved to write me poems and I would just DIE when he would read them to me. I couldn't look him in the face, I was so embarrassed FOR him!

I think my possibly twisted view on poetry is one of the many reasons why I am and forever shall be absolutely taken with Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennet:
Elizabeth Bennet: And that put paid to it. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?
Mr. Darcy: I thought that poetry was the food of love.
Elizabeth Bennet: Of a fine stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead.
Yeah. I REALLY can't say it any better than that.

So then the conversation with the Jedi turns to like, romance in general, how important it is, and I FELT like I was being accused of not having any in me or in my relationship with Mr. Man. Which isn't what was going on, but you know when you're in a situation and you're not being attacked but you feel attacked??

The Jedi asks me when is the last time Mr. Man bought me flowers.

Mr. Man, I'm sorry. I HONESTLY don't remember. Part is DEFINITELY because it's been SO long and part because apparently, as ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL a gesture as it is...that's not the be all and end all of romance for me soooooo...

YES I love a bouquet of flowers. I love it more when it's a bouquet of Gerber Daisies.


YES I love jewelry. I love it most when it's something unique, different, not overly glitzy so I can wear it on a regular basis.

But why are flowers, jewelry, poetry, and boxes of chocolate all "romantic"? I mean, that's so....cliche! It's like that movie (and book? I haven't read it...) "He's Just Not That Into You" (LOVE this movie! LOVE LOVE it!) where girls all WISH they were "the exception" but in reality we're all "the rule." Sure, ABSOLUTELY, yes. In a relationship, YES!

But I'm IN my relationship. We're happy. We're done with the dating drama and all the garbage about reading signs and figuring the other person out.... I'd challenge anyone to say they know me better that Mr. Man...I mean, there's a good chance my Mom might beat him BUT he's for the most part been very much with me and a huge part of my life for the past 7 years (holy cow - can you believe we've been married 6.5 years? Me either! CRAZY!). He's seen every which side of me and THEN some! (The poor guy! hahaha!)

So in MY relationship I want to be the exception. I don't WANT to be the flowers-poetry-and-chocolates rule of romance. I want REAL romance.

I want help with the dishes.

I want help with the laundry.

I want to not have to ask for the garbage to get taken out.

I want to never feel the need to clean the toilet because it's always already done.

Occasionally I want a night away from my house, with an evening fully planned for me, even if it is the cop-out-date of dinner and a movie, because I LOVE chatting over dinner and I LOVE LOVE going to the movies.

I would rather Mr. Man come home with some money in an envelope labelled "new running bra" than a bouquet of flowers. I really would. I should go out and get one but it feels like an extravagance and so I keep putting it off. I want my Mr. to KNOW that about me and when he can afford it to not waste our hard-earned money on some flowers that are going to wilt.

I'd prefer getting GLEE on DVD to a bouquet of flowers, a limerick about my eye colour, or a candlelight dinner for two (though if I didn't have to cook the dinner that would definitely be welcomed!)

I'd love to come home one day and have all the Christmas lights down from the front of the house.

I'd rather some free time away from being the main caregiver for Little Miss so I can go for a nice long run.

YES flowers can be romantic. And Jedi, I'm sorry to say it but for me, poetry NEVER is. That doesn't mean it isn't, it's just REALLY not for me. AND there are many many many many things I would prefer to a bouquet of flowers, even the Gerber daisies.

What things do you find romantic?

The Lost Voice

Sooo I've been wrestling a bit with whether or not to write about my cold, opening night, and all the events leading up to it because, really, NONE of this has anything to do with the "subject" of the blog, except perhaps my being sick and the anti-health that is... AND because I don't think I can talk about it without bringing religion and my beliefs into it and I think I've managed quite well to like, NEVER be preachy or whatever. hahaha Anyway, so JUST warning anyone who might care to be warned. hahaha

So yeah. I wrote before about the play and the ridiculousness that has me a pretty darned important role in the play. And then earlier this week I wrote, surprise surprise, about me being sick. I KNOW that me being sick is NOT a novel topic for this blog - I get sick ALL THE FREAKING TIME. (I asked my doctor about it once, like, WHAT the heck is up with my immune system or the complete and utter lack thereof, and she just aid I keep coming up against stuff that I'm not immune too! So...there ya' go. If you've got something I WILL catch it, so please stay the heck away! Seriously, I'm like, the most sickly health-fanatic I've ever heard of.)

Okay, so. I got sick on Monday. Dress rehearsal was scheduled for Thursday, opening night on Friday, etc. etc. Sooo yeah, I spent a little WAY too much time this week stressing out about whether or not I'd be able to sing.

I'm a HUGE believer in God, in His power over everything. I believe there's a PLAN and while I do NOT believe in fate I do believe that He is in control of everything, knows exactly what's going on where, everywhere, with everyone, and even the BAD stuff happens for some reason that He has.

So on a scale of bad stuff happening me getting this cold is like, a zero. This is SO not a big deal. Except that I'm in this play, and there are OODLES of people who have put in RIDICULOUS amounts of ridiculously hard work, and there are OODLES of people coming to see the play.....aaaaaaand even though there are oodles of people involved there aren't enough of us with enough time for there to be understudies for the parts.

Right. So no understudy. Sick with a cold.

I spent a LOT of time on my knees this week. BEGGING the Lord for a miracle. I KNOW that all He has to do is, whatever it is that He does and in an INSTANT my cold can be completely and totally eliminated. Just, POOF, gone. BUT that while that may be what I'M begging for, it may not be exactly how it's going to work. He CAN make me better in an instant, or for some reason that only He will ever know...he'll leave me with my cold through opening & second shows. So I find Ihave to be careful what it is that I'm asking Him for, you know? 'Cause I don't want Him to have to say NO! hahaha So instead of asking (or demanding?) specifically HEAL ME NOW! I'd phrase it something more like..."thou canst heal me in an instant....please just bless me that I'll be able to get through the song on Friday night!" Right? 'Cause maybe, for WHATEVER, WEIRD reason, I'm supposed to be sick right now. Sure, why not. Right?

So it's Thursday night. I, feeling like death and having little to no voice to even SPEAK with, hop in the van with my carpooling buddies to head to dress rehearsal. I figure I can at least put on my costume and stand like a prop or something.

But by the time we get to the venue I've had it. RaeDawn is with me and helps me track down the Director to apprise him of the situation. That man was great - didn't even bat an eyelash. Asked if I could put on my costume and stand around for blocking, and was absolutely CERTAIN I'd be able to sing the part the next night.

Then he went and round up an understudy for me. With about 15 minutes notice this darling woman grabbed a script, practiced the song, was given a few very brief instructions about the acting, and dove in.

I got to sit in the back of the auditorium with my box of tissue and a garbage pail to collect the snot-filled ones in, and watch the show. (It's pretty good! Hooray!)

Right before the play started I ran into two missionaries who have been acting as ushers for the performances. I was like, OH, great! We ran to get Mr. Man and one of the Elders (what we call missionaries) helped Mr. Man give me a healing blessing (okay, if you DON'T understand that just...leave it for now. hahaha!) My blessing said Heavenly Father's aware, loves me, is proud of me, and I'll recover quickly from my cold.

By the end of the show that night I felt actually pretty good. Still little to no voice, but with additional prayers from I swear, every single cast member (at least it seemed!) FRIDAY came and I could sing.

Now don't get me wrong - it was NOT my best. I definitely sounded like I had a cold, but at least I could get the notes OUT and stay in tune. ;) It WAS my miracle. INSANE. Apparently backstage was the quietest when I went to sing because everyone was itching to hear if I'd be able to or not after all that praying!

Huzzah! Faith: 1. Adversary: 0.

SATURDAY MORNING I get up. Voice still isn't back. I feel great but the voice...yeah. Not good. But I leave it for a while. I don't want to test too early and strain it and not be able to sing that evening. But even if I have no voice all day I'll be fine, right? I mean, HELLO miracle?

I tested the voice briefly in the late afternoon.

Bad news.

Definitely can't sing.

Definitely can't sustain that high note (which on a regular day is SO not a high note! UGH!) DEFINITELY sound like garbage.

Oh. Mi. Gosh.

After some slight panic I'm all, oh it'll be fine. The Lord got me through last night, He's not going to leave me stranded tonight. But just in case I got BACK down on my knees to BEG for assistance. hahaha 'Cause OBVIOUSLY I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own.

Spent the WHOLE first act, sitting, waiting. Not feeling anything different in my voice. Definitely still sounding like a man when responding to questions (and constantly being told to not talk - so STOP TALKING TO ME so I CAN stop talking! GAH!) Then I got called up to be fit for my microphone (they tape them to our faces - it's weird and doesn't like staying put for me!). Then intermission was ending and I headed backstage. Then I was onstage, but it's a silent scene. Then it's the scene before my "big" scene. Then, it's my scene. Moment of truth.

I've been sucking on lozenges, eating honey, drinking Yoli and water, TRYING to keep the talking, at least DOWN if not to a minimum (I'm sorry - I'm one of these horrible people who when someone speaks to me I usually acknowledge them and speak back to them. I KNOW, I'm horrid).

Song starts.

I start singing.

Or..honking? What WAS that sound? UGH! Missed the first note, got back on, tried to move to another note, voice cracked, wheezed, broke....hit another note, screeched one for a split second before disappearing....

It was AWFUL. AWFUL. I just COULDN'T get the sound out. Couldn't do it. I was TRYING.

So here I am in front of a couple hundred people (maybe a few? venue's not huge, thank goodness, but we have all the cast and crew, too...) making a complete fool out of myself, TRYING to sing this incredibly beautiful song meant to portray Mary Magdalene's anguish that not only has Christ been killed but now that His body's gone missing. And I'm RUINING it. RUINING it.

I honestly started crying between breaths and croaks and the odd good note. I mean, the show must go on, right? Even though it's not really, it just keeps on going regardless of whether you're ready or not.

The final part of the song has me sitting at the edge of the stage, about 3 or 4 feet from the folks in the front row, and I can totally see them and I'm bawling, trying to squawk out some semblance of a melody. I think part of me was feeling a bit betrayed and let down - I sang it last night, Lord, where did You GO? I need HELP! WHY WHY aren't You with me tonight? What did I do? In the grand scheme of things this is SO not important, but here, right now, for these people, and those who've put in ALL this work, this is IMPORTANT and I'm TRYING and HELP ME PLEASE!

It was humiliating.

I trudged back to the tomb at the end of the song and for the first time on stage literally wept. And I thought, well, she's supposed to have been weeping, so that's fine.

We finish the scene - Mary Magdalene sees the resurrected Saviour and leaves to tell the brethren. I dash offstage, which is normal for the end of that scene, but ohmigosh, I couldn't get off fast enough.

I got behind that curtain and just BAWLED. I sobbed and sobbed - oh it was HORRIBLE. I just felt so horribly disappointed in myself, let down...i was SO upset. But we had to snap me out of it quick and fix my tremendously ruined stage makeup (MAN does it run when you're wearing it that thick! hahaha YIKES!) so I could get back out there and try to choke out "Peter! Oh Peter," and the rest of my lines.

When I was finally finished for that performance I was SO relived.

But then I had some time to think about it. And some wonderfully supportive people and feedback helped, too. Everyone backstage just said my lack of voice helped ADD to it, and it sounded like I had been crying and that added so much to the spirit of the song. Of course, they couldn't see backstage that I WAS sobbing my way through the disaster, but in retrospect they're totally right - she WAS weeping. When Christ showed Himself to her at the tomb He DID ask, "woman, why weepest thou? Whom seekest thou?" And having the complete and utter inability to sing that song the way I wanted to made ME weep and made it look like I was actually able to channel some of her feelings. So no, it wasn't an amazing spiritual moment for ME while it was going on, but I guarantee that someone in that building who could hear or see what was going on last night needed to see Mary Magdalene weeping at the tomb, abd because the Lord DIDN'T answer my prayers the way I had begged Him to I was able to do that.

That doesn't mean I'm not hoping with everything I've got that my voice isn't 100% better and back to normal for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday's performances coming up. ;) But maybe that's just because I have a limited earthly perspective on life.