Getting off my Arse?

Okay, well, I HAVEN'T exercised today, no.  Sorry. 

BUT...I DID dig my weight bench & paraphernalia out of the back CLOSET where it's been sitting for...ever?  And THAT took some SERIOUS cleaning and reorganizing of my basement.  Which isn't done.  And, apparently, never will be.... it's been an ongoing process since we moved in about 4.5 years ago.  Yeah, apparently it's just not meant to be usable space down there.  Which frustrates the heck out of me.  But that's another story all together.

I figured, though, I should check in.  I want to get back to this blog's original purpose - to keep me motivated, honest with myself, and keep track!!  So hopefully, if I don't forget (no promises) I'll hop on my Wii Fit later tonight and see just HOW bad the damage is after so many months of idleness aaaaand, I dunno.  We'll have the new starting point?  Sure.  Sounds good.

Well, on THAT note, I need to get back up off my giant rear and get back to cleaning this dumping zone we inhabit.  I wonder if I'll find the floor in the bedroom before going to bed tonight.  Huh.

Remember when....

Hey, it's me! 

Remember way back when in August I said I'd be back to blogging?

Remember when I used to use this blog to confess my I'm-a-kinesiologist-in-training-and-absolutely-know-better trespasses against my athletic physique?

Remember back in the spring, when I was practically SKINNY??

Remember when I qualified as a "runner"?

Remember when it didn't hurt to wear pants that don't belong to Mr. Man?

Remember when I used to fit a bra without that horrid my-boobs-are-too-big-for-this-but-I-apparently-like-to-look-like-a-hootchie-with-the-boob-bulge-over-this-line thing going on?  Because I had fantastically SMALL boobs????

Remember when I could do the 300 workout in under an hour, and found some definition under all my post-baby belly fat??

Remember when I used to love Yogilates??

Remember when I did the 30-day-challenge with some friends to test if we had any idea what we were talking about trying to help people with weightloss goals??

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have been itching to blog for...well, months, now.  But I've been WAY too embarrassed.  My CLOTHES do NOT fit, and I'm not even only talking about my fantastic, new-within-the-last-year-since-I-ACTUALLY-hit-the-impossible-Gap-8 clothes (which, by the way, are excruciatingly painful, if I can get them on at ALL...).  I saw my reflection the other day while cooking in my mom's kitchen for Thanksgiving - I'm HONESTLY starting to look like a fat girl - my thighs come so so soooooooo together WAY too early at what should be the top of my legs, but is really around my knees... it makes each movement look like one leg is going to have to go through the other in order to take a step forward.  I mean, I have giant, soccer-playing legs to begin with, but then there's all this...this.... GROSSSSSSSSSSSS around it and it's busting out of my pants.  And let's not even get INto my muffin top.  I mean, muffins?  PLEASE!  This is an entire CAKE busting out of not just the top of my pants (belt is like the cruelest word EVER right now - I fold over and cry in pain at the thought of attempting to cinch around this monstrosity).  And not only my pants, but my shirts, blouses....  If I'm not wearing a pair of my husband's baggy jeans and a sweatshirt I can guarantee you I am agonizingly uncomfortable, and super overly conscious of every jiggle, wiggle, waggle, and cellulite-loaded flapping-in-the-wind. 

I. Feel. Disgusting. 

My treadmill is STILL broken.  That thing has turned out to be the biggest joke on me, EVER.  And I KNOW the weather's actually PERFECT for running right now, because it's just cool enough without being biting, to keep a run a very comfortable affair.... but I'm so FAT and my running clothes, OBVIOUSLY are not MEANT to be worn by someone as chunky as me.  I feel like taking this thing out, dressed in THAT, is just cruelty to the world... and I can't seem to get myself past that mental hurdle and out on the street to go for a run.  I feel like I NEED my treadmill operational or I'm just going to keep expanding until I explode....which could be very soon because, SERIOUSLY, my clothes don't fit.  (Cautionary note: if you're hanging out with me any time soon, you MAY want to wear safety goggles to protect your eyes from sky-rocketing buttons flying from my overtaxed apparel...)

Please please, don't post that I'm silly, that I look great, and you don't know what I'm talking about.  YOU'RE silly if you can't see the difference between now and back when school ended and I was on top of things.  School ended, my routine got off, and it's just never gotten back on.  I'm NOT crazy.  I may slightly overstate the problem, but it is a problem.  When your mother will (grudgingly - she's still my mom! I'm always gorgeous to her) admit to you that your weight is ballooning you KNOW there's a problem. 
I can tell every morning when I open my drawers that there's a problem....

Though I know that I haven't been pregnant I was kinda' hoping that maybe by NOW I'd be pregnant and I could kind of excuse myself my holy-super-fatty transgressions and aim for slower-weight-gain pregnancy this time around.  BUT, of course, as in keeping with the year, I am NOT.  Big surprise there. 

So... I can keep wallowing in my expand-a-butt glory...which has honestly been going on for months.  And, really, may continue.  Or I can do something about it.  I hope I do something about it - I'm tired of feeling like this.  My brother's perfectly petite, dwarf-of-a-girlfriend came for Thanksgiving, ate reasonable amounts of food, and after her ONE splurge the entire weekend says "oh, I workout."  Well, congratulations, and hooray for you.  Even when I HAVE a really long, good go of on-the-wagon working out, I NEVER have and never WILL have the obvious success YOU have, so please, yes, rub that in my chipmunk-cheeked face again. 

You know what else is just ironic about the whole thing??  I'm currently growing my hair out.  hahaha  Okay, so I know I'm the only person on the planet who would ever find that funny, but last time I cut it short, before I got pregnant and had Little Miss, I always said I'd never ever grow it out long again unless I lost a tonne of weight and actually hit size 8.  Which I NEVER thought would be possible.  But I just think I look so extra CHUNKY with long hair, and I should keep it shorter unless my face was thin enough to pull it off....  Anyway, so I LOSE all the weight, do that silly play (remember when I was in a play?) and then decide life will be easier if my hair is longer NEXT year when we do the play again..... so I'm growing my hair out.  And I'm probably the fattest I've been in the last three years, barring immediately after giving birth.

Mom thinks my waist size is directly linked to my happiness level. 

I just think I need to figure out this stupid food problem.  I hate food. 

I need some popcorn.

Summer Lovin'

Alright.  So you have to admit, that even in the heat of the moment when I was as ill, exhausted, and ticked off as i was that I KNEW I'd be back.  I mean, the title of the last thing I wrote WAS "The Blog's End............at least for now." 

Anyway, after I flipped my lid, which I absolutely did, and re-read through everything I though, huh, maybe a TEENY bit of an overreaction?  hahaha  But I DO plead the I-was-ill-and-sleepy-and-couldn't-sleep-torqued-up, so for the sake of my falling asleep it had to be done. ;)

THAT said, even with this absolutely nothing going on or to write about, I'm back.  (Oh, please, you can all stop your cheering.  No, seriously, stop.  Thanks, but....  No really.  Stop.) O:-)

It's been a good summer!  Little Miss and I keep busy chillaxing with our neighbourhood friends (yeah, she still goes to daycare just about every day, except now her mommy goes with her!  HA!) some days in the backyard, some at one of the city's wading pools (those are GREAT!  Little Miss can run around the whole thing and the deepest section comes up to her chin!  Deep enough for us grownups to get wet and cool off but shallow enough to not kill the children (when supervised properly, of course).  It's GREAT.

Currently Little Miss and I are hanging out at a cottage my parents rented for the bunch of us for a couple weeks up by the beach.  We're on day two of our vacation and just having a blast.  One of my darling dearest best pals and her sister (who I also love) were already up here so came yesterday (the lazy bums are still sleeping - psht!) to hang with us.  Anyway, the long and short of it is that we're having a blast.  The waves on the lake yesterday were absolutely insane - I don't recall ever seeing them so huge!  QUITE the undercurrent, which, when we stayed in the shallower-ish water (instead of traipsing out until both the water and waves were crashing over our heads and we were sputtering for air... eh, B? hahaha) was an ABSOLUTE BLAST!  

And, in addition to my love and business for scrapbooking I've fallen head-over-heels in love with jewelry making!  I know, right?  All these very-ME-ish rough n' tumble activities of mine.... oy!  I LOVE making jewelry, and have way too much soooooo I'm dragging a couple friends of mine with me into business selling it, so I can make more and more and more! hahaha (You can check us out on Facebook - Mr. Man has been researching website options for me but in the meantime our Facebook page will be it! hahaha)  So I'm sitting up at the cottage with my beads and my paper crafting and feeling like one of the biggest nerds ever and absolutely LOVING it. 

Anything else I can bore you with??  Oh yes.  I need to update you on my expanding girth, UGH, but I'll save that for another day.

Little Miss is awake!  Gotta go! 

The blog's end. (For now, at least).

I haven't been blogging, anywhere, at all, lately.  I would love to be, but there are so many things I would love to be doing and they're not getting done either soooo... MEH. 

Initially the blog started to help me with my health goals, and keeping myself responsible to the void that is the internet universe instead of just my inner daemons about my exercise habits.  And while that's currently a constant struggle since school's end with either Little Miss or my near constant state of illness, I have, obviously, ceased using this for that purpose. 

I'm once again ill, surprise surprise, and while I lay in bed tonight longing for the fatigue that will lead to sleep and help bolster what's left of my shoddy immune system, I find I cannot shut the last anonymous comment I got on my blog out of my head.

I have been accused of many things and of being many things.  But when I'm attacked by commentators too chicken to put a face to their criticisms I have a hard time letting it go.  Does sitting safely behind your screen typing insults at people make YOU feel better?  I certainly hope so and suggest you man-up and sign your name. 

I've been accused of being selfish, stubborn, and rude.  I'm FULLY aware of my grade A bitch streak.  I whine more than my 2 year old.  I am about as far away from negligent of my many, many flaws as one can get.  So come here, where I take slight pleasure from sharing scholastic information, posting family pictures, suggesting tips and techniques to make your exercise more useful and letting out VERY carefully edited and cautious rants on occasion and JUDGE me?  Whatever.  Tonight, I DO care, and that's a deal breaker for me.  I'm done with this.  Maybe if I ever get better from being sick I'll see fit to post again, but for now, you critical anonymous authors (don't worry, last-anon-commenter, though you were the straw you have certainly not been the first, though if I had an opportunity right now I'd love to take your holier-than-thou assumptions about me and, well, I'm sure you can dream up some BITTER end to that thought) have ruined this.

Maybe now that I've said my piece my brain will shut off and I'll be able to sleep.  

Why I'm NOT pregnant.

Okay, so this is one of those hot-under-the-collar topics that really has nothing to do with anything.  hahaha  It just drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS, and so OBVIOUSLY needed to be written about. 

But people, I do not care WHO THE HECK you are, you do NOT get to have an opinion as to whether or not it is time for Mr. Man and I to have another baby.  NO ONE gets to decide that, and for FLIP sake none of you are even allowed an OPINION, okay??  GEEEEEEEEEEEzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........!!!!!!!!! 

I swear I can't go a day without being asked by someone when we're having another baby, or worse, TOLD it's TIME.  Really?  REALLY?  You think it's time?  REALLY?  Do you??  Huh, that's interesting.  Would YOU like to be in my family and a part of this marriage?  Because THEN you can have an opinion.  And, oh WAIT!  I'm pretty sure even THEN it's not 100% up to Mr. Man and I but hugely to do with whether or not the Lord thinks it's time, too - if it had been up to me do you really think I would have chosen 9 months of discomfort followed by squeezing a human being out of you-know-where to get Little Miss??  ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY NOT. 

What is it about EVERYONE that makes them the expert?  Or that entitles practical STRANGERS to xeroxed copies of my life's plan??  WHY does small-talk at church with EVERYONE ALWAYS go from what-are-you-doing-now-that-school's-over (with some you-evil-career-pursuing-sinner, oh-what-wait-you-want-to-stay-at-home-with-your-offspring? Wasn't-school-a-waste-of-time-then? You-must-be-the-dumbest-person-on-Earth [yeeeeeeaaaahhhh.... I have that conversation A LOT]) to when-are-you-having-another-baby??

I ABSOLUTELY understand when my FRIENDS ask.  When I look at my friends and wonder about their plans, desires, or possibly lack-of-success trying to procreate YES I will ask.  But ohmigosh, if I've EVER asked you or teased you about expanding your brood consider yourself one of my absolutely most adored persons EVER because it is just WAY WAY too personal a topic to broach with ANYONE else. 

Why do we think it's okay to ask strangers about it??  I have one friend who was married for 8 years in which she had at LEAST that number of miscarriages becoming increasingly devastated with every failed pregnancy only to be reminded and looked down on every week she went baby-less to church.  What the hell IS that??  "When are you going to start having kids, do you think?"  Good grief, what if she'd miscarried YESTERDAY when you asked her that question.  Is her agony really worth your filling the air with gut-wrenching "small-talk" so you're up on the latest gossip?

I've lately taken to just discontinuing conversation with ignoramuses who ask if, or tell me it's time for another bun in the oven.  OR I'll spill the gory details of why I'm not.  And frankly, I'm tired of repeating it day in and day out. 

No.  I am NOT pregnant.  Little Miss will be at least well over 3 years old before she becomes a big sister, and who knows how much older.

No, I would NOT love to be pregnant.  It's uncomfortable, tiring, vomit-inducing, and I have a ridiculously active 2.5 year old to keep up with.  I figure that attitude comes from not having loved being pregnant the first time around, but I do absolutely recognize it is a means to a WONDERFUL end, and yes, do absolutely hope to get pregnant again in my future, at least one more time. 

Mr. Man and I had been hoping to get pregnant by Jan/Feb of this year.  Which is ridiculously difficult to do during your last insane semester of an undergraduate degree with a husband commuting 3 hours a day.  I know, I've tried.  AND since I've been suffering from amenorrhea since February, I don't imagine I'm going to GET pregnant in the near future, until that sorts itself out, at least. 

So, with our stated desire to get pregnant and the apparent cessation of my menstrual cycle, including the oh-so-important ovulation, it seems quite obvious to ME that NOW is NOT the time, despite what you may think.  Pretty sure that Mr. Man and I decided, were overruled, and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 

And you know what?  I'm fine with that.  I was disappointed to keep peeing on sticks and getting one instead of two lines, sure.  But it's not going to happen now, so what's the point in getting all bent out of shape about it??  Except for our air conditioner failing to respond to the flicking of the ON switch, I have had a glorious two weeks staycation.  Little Miss and I are absolutely loving finding our groove and figuring out how the heck the whole mommy's-home-all-the-time-now thing works (no, she is not emotionally ruined or scarred for life, thank you, my critics, for THAT vote of confidence.)  And when we've found our groove, if my cycle hasn't regulated with the reduced stress and new-found level of NORMALCY in my life then YES I WILL get to the doctor (please for goodness' sake do not leave a comment telling me to go to the doctor.  I WILL.  It's NORMAL for me to have amenorrhea-ic episodes - I went all last summer with no period.  And no, I am NOT anorexic.  I just wrote a paper on that, and got an A+, so that should tell you I learned a little bit of SOMETHING about it - seriously, the things I've been asked or accused of the last few weeks astound me).  When Mr. Man, myself, and the Lord are all in agreement that it's time for baby number two I'm SURE it will happen.  Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be another 3 years from now.  Maybe we're done having kids and going to adopt.  WE don't know, so why should you?

So THAT is WAY too much information about THAT, and if any of you ask me in the future I reserve the right to smack you up the side of your head.

And when you DO ask someone, PLEASE for the love of anything and everything, be TACTFUL, and maybe reserve that question for someone who WANTS to tell YOU what's going on, and not just as it's-my-Christian-duty-to-check-on-your-obedience-to-Mormon-doctrine-as-a-concerned-Relief-Society-sister-who's-never-spoken-to-you-before-in-my-life. 

I'm sitting on a really uncomfortable non-chair, and I can't imagine having anything constructive to add, so now you know. 

Trying to find my head

Well, it's over.  It has been for a bit, now, actually.  Well, a week, I guess.  hahaha  I e-mailed the final copy of the paper to my prof. last Friday morning.  Crazy. 

Then Friday night through Saturday I went to a women's conference (Time Out For Women) in Toronto with my mom.  Then when that was over my mom and I rushed out so that Mr. Man and I could go to Mi's wedding (CONGRATULATIONS, MI!  LOVE you, girl!).  THEN it was Mother's Day, which is a story in itself - lots of tears and a happy ending!  hahaha  THEN this week....I've kind of just....died. 

It's like my head just turned off and I haven't been able to totally turn it back on yet.  I still have OODLES to do and get done..... but I've shut down. 

Which, as it's been a whopping week, I'm not too worried about.  I'm sort of relishing in this new-found I-have-no-schoolwork state of being.  It's WEIRD.  I can sit and read a (super cheesy) Nicholas Sparks novel in a day (at least this one I could tell who was going to die within the first couple of chapters, and it WASN'T one of the love-interests!  HOORAY!  I find his tragedies so......ugh.  Tragic.  hahaha) without feeling GUILTY for not studying something or reading a text book... siiiiiiiiiiiigh

It's WONDERFUL.

Anyway, I'm also trying to not really dive into anything too quickly, because, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little bit insane.  So we're trying to make sure I/we take like, a month, to just get USED to life.  I don't remember - did I tell you about Mr. Man getting a new job that's literally within walking distance from our house?  So....we just gained back his 3-hours commuting each day....and he's been some days coming home for lunch, even.  So yeah.  A WHOLE whack of whoa....what happened to our life?  We're trying to figure out the whole oh-yeah-we're-MARRIED-not-roommates thing. hahaha  It's weird to suddenly have time together....

So yeah.  I have different options available and different things presenting, but for NOW I'm going to try my hand at jack squat!  See how I do.  Honestly, I need some time.  Oh, and to clean my house....that's going to be quite the job.  I can't wait.  hahaha This is going to be a spring clean like you've never seen!


But right NOW?


I'm packing for an over-nighter scrapbooking event with my mom and some of the gals.  My gal Spo is picking me up this afternoon, then we're driving an hour to pick up Mom, then we're off another hour north to the Inn.  We're going to get there early, unpack our clothes, go SWIMMING (I'm going to relax in a POOL today!!!) and then go paper craft until the cows come home.  I'm SOOOOOOOOO excited.  I get such a kick out of creating these things.  I got started a little early and made a card with a friend last night.... bring it on. 


So this has turned into a long rambler with no direction.  I've been asked a few times lately when I'm going to update the blog, so wanted to write SOMETHING so you'd at least know where I'm hiding out.  I have every intention of re-becoming a half-decent blogger, but it's one of those things I'm letting slide at the moment during the figure-myself-the-freak-out time! hahaha  My APOLOGIES, but there it is.


Okay, and on THAT less-than-riveting note, I'm signing off!

Almost over. For real this time.

image from http://blog.runalong.se/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/finishline.jpg

So, I probably should have posted something, but a while ago I decided to put a moratorium on blogging until I finished writing my paper.  A few times since I've logged into my blogger dashboard and clicked on "new post" and then remembered OH yeah.... creative juices are to be saved for the time being.... which is maybe silly because blogging can, at times, be such a fantastic outlet for me, and writing this thing.... oy.  But I think it was a good thing.  Sitting here now writing this dribble feels like a REWARD and isn't accompanied by the sometimes sheepish feeling I get when I'm blogging instead of doing my homework. 

Draft 1 of the paper..... IS FINISHED.  I can't BELIEVE how amazing it feels.  I'm not even DONE DONE done yet - still have to e-mail it to my prof, who will read it and give feedback, and then I'll have until next Friday for revisions - but the huge project is finished.  It's done.  I can actually see the finish line.  I can take tomorrow to spend with my family and not feel a moment's guilt for not opening a text book or reading a scientific article.  

On the other hand, I have SO much information rattling around in my brain about eating disorders and possible familial risk factors I'm a little useless in...just about everything.  hahaha  I was on the phone a couple of hours ago with just a great gal I work with in Yoli who has this great strategy for our marketing campaigns and I could barely get out "uh, duh, yup - sounds good.  Um, okay."  hahaha it was BRUTAL. 

So when my head's back on straight and reconnected with LIFE I'll write and fill you in on some of the super exciting things that have been going on in our house lately, my training progress, my complete and absolute FAILURE in some things (oh holy cow am I ever a stress eater.  And I'm DANG GOOD at hiding it from people.  I'm so glad I have HERE to come and confess my wrongdoings, geeeeeeeeeeze.  Keeps me accountable, and lets me get it out there.  

Anyway, while I'm coasting on boring-old auto-pilot I wanted to send you over to a few of my favourite blogs; some are older and well-established, and some not so much.  

First: Reflections of a Recovering Food Addict.  I ADORE this blog.  I know, I know.  It's only 4 posts in, but what she lacks in longevity she makes up for in honesty. When you get to her page scroll down and read from the beginning so you can take the whole journey with her.  I LOVE it.  Leave her a comment, follow her blog, whatever you can do to give her the support she needs and help keep her on track.  This gal is incredible and I love her to bits!! 

Second: Healthy Families. This blog's done by a recent acquaintance of mine who is an absolute peach.  While I don't agree with EVERYTHING she posts (there's at least one post mentioning a magic way to reduce cellulite - I hate to break it to you guys, but "cellulite" is totally made up - it's JUST FAT.  Adipose tissue is lumpy and dimply, and when it's subcutaneous like we find around the tops of our thunder thighs it looks gasp lumpy and dimply.  Rubbing cream on it or using a brush on it isn't going to make it go away.  Eating right and exercising will help, but almost everyone has at least a little bit SOMEwhere - sorry, was that a tangent??) I absolutely ADORE what she's doing.  She just LOVES health and being healthy, and decided to blog about it to maybe help someone else love it as much as she does.  I don't even think she has AdSense on her blog, so she's not getting ANYTHING out of it except satisfaction of writing awesome health-tip posts.  Read her, follow her, and love what she has to offer. 

Third: Run Faster, Mommy! I found this blog listed on someone else's - this gal definitely does not know I exist, but I love reading her posts.  She's much more hardcore into running than I am, but has TWO bambinos, a husband, and is working on HER undergraduate degree in exercise science, I think.  I love her descriptions of races, her rationale for running, reading about her reaching personal bests, having horrible training days, and everything else.  I think I just relate to her so much I find her a great read.  

And that is that for now.  Little Miss needs cuddling, and I could use some myself.  

I can't believe I really really am almost done school.  Wow.