All by myself.

So, I'm in a rut today. Which is okay, I think. I've been waiting for the 'right time' to write about this.

The short version is that this morning while getting Little Miss and Mr. Man ready to leave the house I got an e-mail from a professor. It was sent to myself and my four other group members, "commenting" on our presentation last week. Which is FINE - seriously, bring on the feedback. If I don't know what or where I/we went wrong then I can't learn how or what to improve, right? I've learned tonnes in school from comments and suggestions in the margins of my papers and assignments.

This e-mail....wasn't so much comments as.....well, just MEAN. And I'm the only one in the group who was singled out. Apparently I AM THE WEAKEST LINK.

Now, my group members have done their best to quell my worries that this is in fact TRUE; they all deny vehemently I presented poorly and one goes so far as to accuse the prof. of "picking" on me. Which, honestly, I wouldn't put past him.

But none of this is the point. I'm done talking about this today. I can't talk about it anymore. I'm tired of trying to find the CONSTRUCTIVE in the criticism I received. The longer I think about and work on it the more torqued up I get and feel.

So fine. Big deal. I'm having a bad day. It happens. Who cares?

Well, THAT'S my problem.

And I KNOW I'm going to get messages in the comments section and on Facebook in response to this, but I don't have any friends.

None.

I have buds and pals and people who I think like me who I like. I even have people I think are friends who turn out not so much to be, and there are SOME people I wish were my friends. Or a few who were once friends who....moved on and left me behind.

Think of it this way: who do you call when you're feeling trodden underfoot? Like you'd rather die than be alone? Like the last thing on Earth you can do is go home and face your two-year-old? When you're so torqued up about something your heart is literally racing, your limbs won't stop bouncing, your fingers are constantly tapping, and the word dinner almost reduces you to tears?? Don't you have someone?

Even if you don't have someone else....do you have your significant other??

I have no one. Mr. Man doesn't even get home until 7:30, on a good night. By that time I need to be deep into my next assignment, putting Little Miss to bed.... if we take time to connect and him help me through my funk I can't get my homework done. Or if I do...I'll be up all night. Again.

When I think who to call.....I draw a blank. No one.

And then I put it back on me. Who would call me??

No one.

There are probably a good number of people for whom I would move the heavens and Earth if I could. But none of them would call me. I'm no one's best friend and I don't have a best friend.

My current 'best friend' at school is too busy text messaging his rotating female companions, whining about TAs, and hollering "how YOU doin'?" to half the university's female population. Which, honestly, is fine BECAUSE he's a he.

I need a girl friend.

So. Here's your chance to apply. I know, I know - don't all jump through your screens at once.

APPLICATION TO BE RED'S GO-TO GAL FOR DAYS WHEN HER PROFESSORS ARE ASSES, HER HUSBAND IS WORKING, HER SPAWN IS TWO, AND SHE FEELS LIKE SHE'S DROWNING IN THE SEA OF LIFE

REQUIREMENTS
- must be female (otherwise you're not a GIRL friend - though I've always gotten along with the guys better - is THAT my problem??)
- must give a damn
- must give AND take - please no more take-take-take-ers. I've got nothing left for you people. I have one word for you people and I don't want to use it because I've already written two I'm sure will startle some of my readers. (Sorry)
- must NOT already/currently HAVE a "best friend" or use the term to describe someone else - it's horrendously difficult to have one's best friend's best friend be someone else. Relationship MUST be fully and completely reciprocal. Or it won't work.
- must NOT be my mother (I love you Mom!!! Thanks for being my one-and-only always-constant best friend!! I wish you were here today!)
- must have DESIRE to just hang out and play with me on occasion, outside of either of our residences. Child-free.
- must not be an idiot. Now, this is OBVIOUSLY subjective - my prof. thinks I'M an idiot, sooo....idiots, apply at your own risk.
- must NOT be high-maintenance - must be able to be satisfied with a best friend (me) who's also a mom, wife, 4th year student, business owner, daughter, sister, runner, choir director, pianist, secretary, and may have some other acquaintances that need help and/or assistance at times, while also being willing to work on the friendship to ensure it is and stays BEST.
- must be encouraging when needed
- must be ready, willing, and able to tell me when I'M an idiot, without making me want to slap you. Which I'd never do, but I'd for sure want to. Don't pussy-foot around me.
- must be someone I enjoy! (You know sometimes you like someone but they're just trying to be around for some reason? Like, you're just not....the same enough or something? There's a WEIRD lull in the conversation or your head hurts when they leave from over or understimulation....)

NO high-maintenance individuals, please. Common interests are a plus but are not a requirement. No previous experience required.

Please submit your application in writing via the comments link. ('Anonymous' comments are welcomed, but without some sort of identifier I won't know who you are, which is fine unless you're the successful candidate).

Applications will be accepted until....forever. Please, someone, be my friend.

"Pearls"

Okay. So Mr. Man and I chatted. My kitchen's still a disaster, but we're good. We're a work in progress, what can I say??

I LOVED posting Josh so much the other day, I figured I'd do it again. hahaha

Days like yesterday...I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song of his. It's one of my absolute FAVOURITES (and this LIVE version is the BEST BEST BEST). This is definitely one of my all-time-favourite I'm-in-a-funk songs. Very cathartic, or something along those lines. ;) hahaha I put it on, CRANK it, and then BELT it out. Love it. (The song's only like, 4.5 minutes - there's a couple minutes of chatting aftewards wherein my darling Josh hugs...someone else sigh, which is actually on the CD, so there ya' go - don't let the length freak you out).



Okay, and NOW we're heading out to someone's house who's taken pity on us for dinner!! HOORAY for charity! hahaha

Happy Sunday!

Tired and Cranky

I have had too much homework lately. WAY too much.

I mean, I'm not expecting 'them' to just GIVE me my degree. I'm all on board about earning it and everything - I get a bit irritated with people who can't accept a poor mark when they've deserved it.... HELLO, it's SUPPOSED to be hard! If it wasn't hard to get a degree then there wouldn't be so relatively few people to do it and it wouldn't be worth anything in the end.

So I GET it. I totally get it. Fourth year. University. HARD.

Bring it on.

The problem, I think, I'm having is everything ELSE.

I'm 27.

I'm married.

I'm a MOM.

I go to school ALL day, rush home, grab whatever I can out of the pantry, throw it on the stove, pick up Little Miss, and eat some poor excuse for "dinner."

My dear, darling husband, who I love OH so much, works in a city 1.5 hours from our home. He's not home a lot. And you know, because of what he does, he gets called at home from work TO work. A lot. Or at least sometimes it FEELS like a lot. So he's a pretty busy guy who's pretty tuckered out when he finally gets home in the evenings, and he REALLY REALLY doesn't like...well, to be frank, doing ANYTHING on Saturdays.

Today is a Saturday.

Let me just say this before I continue: Mr. Man has been AWESOME today. AND I'm SUPER tired and I think I must be SUPER cranky.

Because amidst all of Mr. Man's awesomeness today, this is all I can see:



So let me tell you a little about...well, just today, I guess. Prefacing it with LOTS of missed sleep in the last couple of weeks, including Thursday night, writing papers for school, making power point slides for group presentations, meeting with group members, writing EXAM questions (oy - don't EVEN get me started on THAT one...). I've been a tired, sleepy, walking zombie the last couple of weeks.

Today I participated in a craft sale at one of the local schools. Some of my girlfriends were participating (CHECK THIS OUT!) and I let myself get talked into participating. Mr. Man and I talked about it, and how busy my school schedule was, and decided we could pull it off, hoping it would be worthwhile (I'm selling hand-made Christmas cards, among other things - check them out here).

So, last night after my group members (for a presentation on Tuesday) all filed out of my house after a surprisingly (THANK GOODNESS!) productive meeting last night I started gathering what things I had left that weren't already set up at the school (I went after classes yesterday). Then I went to bed. Only to get up WAY too early to get showered, pretty, and dressed like I was going to work, because, well, I WAS going to work, and get everything together and over to the school.

Then at the school from 8:45am 'till probably about 3:30pm. LOOOOOOOOOONG day. REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLY tired. My FEET hurt from standing so much of the day talking to potential customers, selling cards, talking about my wonderful scrapbooking business....chasing Little Miss around who got left with me while Mr. Man did groceries (BOY is she exhausting in a public place crowded with people when you're operating on not-near-enough-sleep-in-the-last-two-weeks and she's throwing tantrums and chairs a women in wheelchairs - NOT kidding).... It was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNG day.

So when I got home? COLLAPSED. I have been GOING NON-stop for two weeks STRAIGHT. I am EXHAUSTED. I have NOTHING left.

Mr. Man was wonderful and agreed to let me crash on the bed and catch up on my missed Glee episode this week (OH how sad was it that it was away for two weeks?? WELCOME BACK, GLEE!!).

And then it was nearing dinnertime.

I asked what was for dinner - Mr. Man did the shopping!

"I dunno."

Great.

So then I cooked dinner.

And fed my family.

And I was REALLY REALLY spent - seriously, I don't know HOW I'm still functioning at this point. So I said something to the effect of, hey, STILL tired, I cooked, YOU clean up the kitchen (= unload clean dishes from dishwasher, reload dishwasher. This shouldn't be the end of the world) and I'M going to go die some more, on the bed, and watch my missed episode of The Vampire Diaries (I'm almost embarrassed to admit I got into this silly one, but I LOVE LOVE Ian Somerhalder in it - FANTASTIC!!).

Thoroughly enjoyed this week's episode - I do very much enjoy television programming about the occult. It's never TOO freaky, like you can get in movies, but pretty darned riveting all the same.

Finished the episode. Read some blogs.

Came out to see my nice clean kitchen.

Found Mr. Man on the computer. Little Miss, 10 minutes before bedtime, watching the beginning of a 1.5 hour movie. Kitchen.... as you see above.

CURRENTLY: NOTHING has changed in the kitchen. The jacket I asked Mr. Man to put away has been moved from the chair in the dining room to the chair in the front entry - really?? The closet's RIGHT THERE! The table's still out from my meeting yesterday though I asked it get put back. Little Miss' toys are put away because I put them away. Mr. Man is sitting at his computer blissfully unaware that his tired and cranky wife is exploding via blogpost at the moment. I'm too tired to deal with it, I think. This is why my house gets so horrendously filthy.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am loved!

So you may have noticed that while I'm still managing, I'm having a difficult time at the moment. People keep saying to me they don't know how I can do school AND raise a two-year-old and my flip response is usually that I can't.... Some days that's truer than others.

Today, Little Miss has done an EXCELLENT job of amusing herself while I've worked on my two assignments and two group presentations still looming.... Then off to 'daycare' for a few hours while I went to school for biomechanics.

I just got home.

And there was a message flashing on my computer screen waiting for me from my bud, Steph: "Figured you need a little pick me up after these strenuous weeks. Hopefully he helps." With a link to the following



You were right - I've been blasting Josh for a few days now in the car between home and school. But this was special; thanks Steph. :)

70 X 7

I need to confess.

AGAIN.

It's been a bad little bit for me. A VERY bad little bit for me. Holly commented yesterday how I've been having the WORST luck lately - I feel like that doesn't even BEGIN to describe it, but yes, Holly, you are right.

I am SO worn down and SO tired - largely due, probably, to the two all-nighters I had to pull last week to get everything done and the fact I'm not fully recovered yet - and SO overwhelmed and just so....BLECH.

Even my WRITING has been all of those things lately. Which I know I addressed last time I wrote, but still. It's awful. I'm in a funk in a big way and everything about me shows it. Funk funk funk funk FUUUNK.

And in the midst of all of it, I need to confess.

How many times can you repent before it doesn't count anymore? Aren't you supposed to CONFESS and then FORSAKE?? So, if I keep confessing to you that I'm a Kin-failure is there a point where you stop 'forgiving' me? Where's my calculator - what IS 70x7 anyway? (You smart math people can do it in your head.... :P to you. I probably COULD I just don't CARE to try...)

Confession 1:
I'VE BEEN EATING SUGAR

Okay, okay. Not just eating. INHALING.

sigh

I made it to Mom's birthday cake, as planned. The cake was a couple days before her birthday, but that was expected because her birthday was on a Monday. So we had cake on the Saturday. It was DELICIOUS.

And I was in the throws of fighting off my H1N1 (it's kinda' fun to be part of a worldwide pandemic.... People FREAK out when they find out - WE'RE ALL ALIVE AND WELL, EVERYONE!!) which the following day I used, internally, as an excuse to partake of the cake leftovers.

It was downhill from there.

And then Hallowe'en. OH Hallowe'en how I've decided I absolutely adore you.


And really, if I had been ON the anti-sugar bandwagon, as anticipated, at Hallowe'en then this wouldn't have been a problem:

As it was, I almost single-handedly ate all the 'leftovers' (we 'accidentally' bought WAY too much candy) in...well...ALMOST two sittings. There were a few that made it out alive, I think Mr. Man managed to eat some....but yeah. It was a massacre.

We're potty training Little Miss. I've eaten all of her potty-candies on multiple occasions - thankfully she's getting past the point of 'needing' them so it's usually not an issue, except for the fact that I ATE THEM ALL.

AND with the flu for two weeks and then last week's absolutely INSANE school-load...I hadn't exercised at ALL in three weeks.

Today the Jedi and I were supposed to hit the gym and I'm just in such a funk I managed to talk him out of it. In hindsight...we should have gone - that might have helped bust me out of this funk.

I REALLY want to go for a run...but it's WAY too dark out, Optimus Prime is BUSTED... (more on that when we have something - looks like the circuit board is broken which Mr. Man thinks can only have happened before we even GOT it - kinda' weird that's it's worked all this time...)

SO......I don't know what to say other than to have told you my wrongdoings. I'm not ready today to make any claims or plans or promise to be better. I DO want to re-break up with sugar, but I've been toying with the idea of going 2010 sugar-free.... we'll see.

I just wanted to let you know that at the moment I'm not doing so well, I guess. shrug

Back to homework - yippie.

Anything else? Please, just pile it on.

Optimus Prime is broken.

Priorities schmriorities.

I just want you to know that I KNOW my blogging has been pathetic and oh-so BEYOND lacking of late. For the two of you that read me, I'm SORRY!! But....hopefully you've gotten a slight idea of what life has been like around here lately from my last few posts....as spread out as they've been...

After posting about my massive to-do list the other day... it got BIGGER.

The day I was REALLY hit with the flu was the day before I had this assignment done in this class which I REALLY don't want to get going on so don't let me - I HATE HATE HATE this class; 'nuff said. I think I mentioned the assignment, actually.

The prof NEVER e-mailed me back about handing it in late. I was like, WHAT THE HECK, man! I even said, um, duh if I'd been done early this wouldn't be a problem so obviously I'll take a zero, but let me know either way, and he never wrote back!

So Monday, before I posted, I'd e-mailed all my TAs about trying to catch up what I'd missed and all whatever, and figured what-the-heck and e-mailed the prof again.

He wrote back SO fast.

And gave me less than 24 hours to a) hand in the late assignment, which I hadn't finished because, honestly, I'm not going to kill myself finishing an assignment I'm going to get zero on - I'd SO much rather use that time to be with Little Miss and Mr. Man or...well, just about ANYTHING, and b) hand in the lab assignment PLUS some extra work for the lab I'd missed the previous week due to rushing home to get the H1N1-infected Little Miss from daycare! (Yeah...that's a WHOLE OTHER STORY)

So that list I had on Monday?

I didn't even START until Tuesday.

After having been up 'till 4am "Monday" night finishing all that homework. So TUESDAY was a bit of a write-off 'cause I was a TOTAL zombie.

Then Wednesday night...up 'till 4 again finishing the stuff I hadn't had time to finish Monday/Tuesday from the all-of-a-sudden-I-have-a-week's-worth-of-stuff-to-do-in-less-than-a-day.

Then Thursday and last nights I was up 'till midnight and 2am respectively finishing off cards and creative projects for a craft sale I was in this morning.

PHEW!

So my BLOGGING....has gone to the wayside at the moment. 'Cause I know when I DO sit and write...it sucks! All I have to talk about is how I'm going nuts and I don't even write it WELL - these latest posts have definitely NOT been my best. Which is fine...but yeah.

So THAT'S where I've been, what's going on, and even though I love you very very much, why I might continue to have little to nothing to do with you for the next little while.



Here's a pic of Little Miss to make it better - she's so cute how could she NOT make it all better??