One week down

I wasn't lying when I said I was going to sleep all month! hahaha I haven't been out to run since the 11.35km Tuesday. And honestly, I'm good. I'll get back to the grind tomorrow, promise! I only have two appointments....

Today it's been a week since my family stuck their giant noses up in my business and challenged me to finish my 100km in a month and go the 14 days eating properly (for me).  And I did the first one, so...now I HAVE to finish the second one.

Well, as on every July 5th, it's my dad's birthday.  Which means cake. And ice cream.

Which is fine because, generally, I don't even like cake.  I eat it because you're supposed to eat it on special occasions and people go through the trouble of baking these stupid sugar-sponge-bread-hybrid things and it's just... it's just what you do.

Also....ICING. I LOOOOOOOOVE icing. If you're ever with me when I eat cake you'll notice I tend to eat all the [gross] cake crap first and then swirl my icing around in a lovely little spinny-design on my plate and then om nom nom nom...

So, you'd think that turning my nose up at cake on my dad's birthday wouldn't be all that big of a deal. 

Right? 

WRONG. 

There's this cake. It comes from Heather's Bakery. It is AMAZING. It's.....just.....it's cake, but it's.... it's SO GOOD. 

And don't even get me started on the icing. OH. MY. GOODNESS. THE ICING. 

This is what we get when we have birthdays. We get a Heather's cake. And we gorge ourselves on the incredible edible delight that is Heather's cake. With icing. Which I still eat last.  

Today was Dad's birthday. 

there was a Heather's cake. 

.........

........I didn't have ANY. 

(Wilf knows)

Mom said she'd save a piece and put it in the freezer. I'm suspicious that it won't taste as good after it's defrosted, but YOU GUYS. I DIDN'T EAT THE CAKE. 

Do you know WHY this is such a big deal?? 

In the last 2.5 years every time I try to "reset" my brain and my tummy and get myself back on track (remember, I told you - I don't do this moderation crap. It's all or absolutely NOTHING. I'm too disordered to take it slow or whatever - I just sabotage and sabotage and sabotage myself) and I start my 14-day, uh, goal - just do it for 14 days and you can do anything - I get a few days in, see some progress, and then PARTY TIME! LET US EAT CAKE!! 

ALL THE CAKE! 

I lose a couple of pounds, and say, SWEET! It WORKS! And then eat all the things. With the intention of not ALWAYS eating all the the things....but you know what they say about good intentions... 

So EVEN THOUGH this morning I was FINALLY seeing the significant changes I expect when I'm working hard (I wore a dress to church I couldn't zip up a couple of weeks ago, NO lie!! WOOT! Oh yeah, plus I'm under 200lbs with some wiggle room..... WOOOOOOOOOOTT) ....

I was Hulking-out my arms for my 7yo photographer hahaha

.... I COULDN'T eat the cake. Because that's what I do EVERY time. And this time HAS to be different. I HAVE to do this. I HAVE to know that I can do this. That I am in control. The cake is not. I am. I will eat the cake, but not today. Today I am only half way to my goal. I will not REWARD myself with cake, because I am not a dog, but I will allow myself to ENJOY my piece of cake once I can prove that I can do this. And that the cake won't take over my entire existence and rip apart my brain with self-loathing and hatred as I spend the rest of the summer unable to leave the comfort of air conditioning because I can't fit into any of my summer clothes. 

hahaha I literally cannot financially AFFORD to not to this, because I cannot spare the money for an entire fat-wardrobe for warm weather hahahaha TIME TO GET THIS BOOTY MOVING!! 

So. I'm down 4lbs. And shrinking.  So now we get back to moving. Because I do love to move. 

I have two more birthdays to survive this week (thankfully none of the birthday persons' favourite desserts are my favourite desserts, so I should be okay!) and one road trip, then NEXT Sunday I can cheat for a meal (and eat CAKE), and I'm back in the game!! 

Halfway there.... only 7 days to go! 

I've got this :-D 

This month, I'm sleeping.

Yesterday was the last day of June. And at the start of yesterday I was 11.35km away from having run a full 100km in the month.

I would have been over the 100 mark easily if I hadn't let my brain take over all sense and quit when I had my little pre-intervention hiccup.....

...so part of the intervention was for my wonderful people to point out how stupidly CLOSE I was to making that mark, and I was basically ORDERED to finish it. (Thanks, Mom!)

Fun story, though. Intervention happened Sunday night.  I had over 17kms to go and two days.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate running??

And that I "only" ran 6km with the stroller up and down and over all the hills on Monday??

Yup. 11.35 left. And one day to do it in.

I was pretty sure that it was going to be "easier" to just go out and git r' done than to try to get out TWICE in one day - kids, work, and honestly, the pain of getting READY to go...twice? No thanks.  So...I went out and...just kinda....ran.... 

I ran forever. Ohmigosh. I don't know how you people do these crazy races that take 2-4 hours or whatever. Or ultra-marathoners? YOU'RE ALL NUTS! hahaha 

At about the halfway mark I was done. And SO FAR AWAY FROM MY CAR. I stopped my GPS and just....chillaxed for a minute. Walked very slowly. Caught my breath. Texted my inner struggle to my hubs. Rebutted the bad thoughts to my hubs. (Sometimes, my texting people, is my thinking "out loud" hahaha - SORRY, friends!!) Plugged back in, and....

ran another 5.5km. 

I honestly don't know how I did that. 

It was slow. And literally painful. But I did it. And I DID IT. I ran 100km in June!! 

The drive home was only about 5-10 minutes and my whole body was so seized up when I stopped the car I could barely get out hahahaha Oh man! I don't plan on doing anything that extreme or stupid again any time soon - if we go for another 100 goal it will be much better planned and spread out! 

And THEN, the best. Frig. So yesterday I tried to kill myself running.  And TODAY...

my baby brother moved. 

Which meant I spent....ALL day....moving...heavy things....stairs.... holy craptacular the stairs.... 

...my hip hurts.... 

...where's my foam roller?? 

The new house is LOVELY and SO much better than the gross dingy basement apartment they were living in and we were just THRILLED to have been able to be of assistance, and to get to be nosey and see the new digs!! 

But MAN! I'm SO FREAKING TIRED! hahaha 

I think I'm going to work tomorrow and sit around on my butt. And that's it. No extra exercise. I need a recovery day!!  Then, honestly, I'm excited, because I'm running a couple of adventure races (or obstacle races or whatever they're called) coming up and I need to get back to alternating my metabolic HIIT & strength training with the running. So, you know, my triceps are still existent when I try to go over the mud-soaked monkey bars... (Why do we think these events are fun??) 

Oh. And, of course. I'M HUNGRY! But haven't caved yet... Fingers crossed. 

Tomorrow is the last weigh-in for a "OneDerland" challenge I'm in - we'll see if I've made it back.... oy vey. 

I think I'm just going to sleep through July..... ;-) 

Day 1: bacon & eggs.

I have a wicked headache tonight and no energy to get up and get my peppermint oil to kick it to the curb (I'm THAT lazy, you guys) so this post is going to SUCK, but, here I am so.... #winning.

(Do people hashtag in blog posts? Did I just become THAT person? I'm a little embarrassed...)

But today, I woke up, and didn't go running.  Mini Miss follows after her elder sister and has WICKED night terrors, aaaaand when she has one, well, that's that. There goes any and all chances of sleep for the night.

So no, I didn't get up and run.

But I got up, and had a delicious, non-vegan, non-vegetarian, FABOOSH meal of pemeal bacon (from the butcher, guys. The GOOD stuff - it was soooooooooo tender and soooooooooo yummy) and scrambled eggs, with cut up orange and apple... my mommy and daddy spoiled me this Monday morning. And said "did you get up and go running?"

Hahahaha...... no. I did not. Boo.

Then, off to work. Massage massage massage. Fix everyone make them all feel better, massage massage. Yay.

Home. Break. No massage for a bit. Break. Run time!! Yay!! (I hate running).

Crap, I have the kid. The little one. Hmmm.....

RUNNING STROLLER! (I love BOB).

Me: "Let's go for a run!"
Mini Miss: "NO!"

.......oh.............

We're doing it anyway!

Stroller. "Baby." (Man, she's HEAVY!) Outside. RUN. Frigging hills. I HATE hills. And this baby is NOT a baby anymore. I'm TIRED. Walk up the hills. Too hard. RUN down the hills. And between the hills....

Hey, I just did 5K with hills and a stroller 4mins faster than last year's hills-with-stroller race at the Zoo. Cool.

Finish 6K.

Shower.

Work. More massage.

Home. Dinner. Healthy dinner. Mimi is on a mission to help me with my food.

......dinner was.......kinda'.....gross..... O:-) and I'm SO HUNGRY.

Mr. Man. Hi! Popcorn. Yay. Still so hungry...... stupid food addiction.

Headache winning. Baby sleeping. My turn now.

Day 2 tomorrow.....

My family accidentally staged an intervention...

Wow. So, it's been a year and a half since I was on here. Fun stuff.

I always think okay, this time I'm back, and I've got this, and I'm going to do it....buuuuut....who knows?

But I wanted to tell you about tonight, and what happened. And why it happened.

So, almost 2.5 years ago I gave birth to our perfect little Mini Miss. And she's perfect. And we love her. (And she's not really perfect - sometimes I think she's Satan. But I love her, so it's all good. [Please sleep tonight you devil child!!])

When I was pregnant with her, despite concerted efforts to watch what I ate and to exercise (I stayed attending regular kickboxing classes at the dojo until I was 30 weeks pregnant and performing roundhouse kicks literally made me pee my pants EVERY. SINGLE. KICK.) I ballooned to 60lbs heavier than pre-pregnancy. (Funny, too, because I "only" gained 50lbs with the Little Miss, for which pregnancy I sat around on my expanda-butt and ate ALL THE THINGS.... so.... go figure. The body does what the body's gonna' do!!)

Then, when I wasn't pregnant with her anymore I lost....maybe about 20 of those 60 lbs.

And I've been fighting tooth-and-nail to get the other 40 off ever since.

And it's driving me CRAZY.

Well, actually, technically, I was crazy before, but this crazy has been heading into the cray-cray zone.... Sigh.

In 2015 so far I've learned a lot about myself - I PROBABLY have PCOS, which is why I have the apparently insulin resistance I would have spoken about earlier - I CANNOT eat carbs. Of any kind. Just....can't.....do it - and why I can't lose weight. AND why there's 5 1/2 years between my kids (the fact I have kids is apparently somewhat of a miracle. Fun stuff).

I've also learned that I do not adjust well to...being thrown off course. hahaha I DO NOT like my plans to change, and I do not adapt well to unsuspected occurrences. Or whatever. I just don't do that crap well.

AND, I downloaded the Nike+ training app for running, and for the first time since my post-Little-Miss pregnancy when I was running regularly, started really running again.  My body LOVES running; I do not (this is not news).

Earlier this year I had a nasty bout of strep throat and literally  could not eat or drink for 3 days straight. I FINALLY got the number on the scale below 200lbs. But as soon as I was able to eat again I jumped back up to 'normal.'

Then, two weeks ago I tasted the sweet sweet victory of having FINALLY scraped my way back into OneDerland with a weigh-in under 200lbs. It was surprising and amazing, and felt GREAT.

......so obviously I had to sabotage myself. And eat. And eat. And eat.

I started this great intermediate 10KM training program with my Nike+ app on my phone, and was LOVING it - I HATE running, but I LOVE crushing distances and being #1 on my friends list for distance run this month. SHE ran a half marathon? Well, whoopee, I've run 50km more than her so BOO-FREAKING-YAH!

Problem is...the app schedules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How far you run, what type of run you do, and you check it off as you go.

So, at the end of week 3, when I'm scheduled to do my first 9.7km run on a Saturday that happens to also see me working with 3 patients, dealing with a family crisis, celebrating Father's Day, parenting my beautiful (devil) children, and all the other Saturday comings and goings.....

I DIDN'T GET MY RUN DONE.

A regular human being would just chalk it up to a busy day and adjust the training schedule.

But I can't DO that. The app SAYS that on Saturday I run 9.7km. On Sunday I rest. On Monday I run 6, Tuesday 6.4, Wednesday......... I CAN'T HAVE MISSED A RUN.

So, obviously, I've failed. I can't do it. It's only 8 weeks, I don't even need a full hour every day, and I can't even do it. I suck. I fail. I lose. No 10kms for me.

So I stop running.

And I eat. And EAT. AND EAT.

Croissants. Bowties (I LOOOOOVE farfalle! What is it about that shape of pasta that makes it so delectable?) Pizza. French Toast. TOAST (gross - why do we eat that?) Subway sandwiches.  Oh yeah, AND MORE CARBS.

I don't even want to know what next weigh in says.

My brother is getting married in 6 weeks.

We are moving into our new house in 8 weeks.

In 9 weeks I'm running Mud Hero.

In 11 weeks I'm running WipeOut.

Frig. I NEED to be under 200lbs. I CANNOT be 200lbs. I can't. My joints can't TAKE being this heavy.

So tonight, my parents, supported by my hubs (boo ganging up on me!! hahaha) corner me and ask about my running. Because I was running. Lots. For 3 weeks. And then it all stopped. ALL stopped.

Red, get off your ass and get running!! Your body NEEDS it. Do SOMETHING.

And I talk. About carbs. About how I can't do it. I keep trying and I keep failing. And I keep eating everything.

So now I have to run. And no one is eating carbs. And that's not fair to anyone. That's horrid that no one can eat what they want because I have no self-control.

But I CAN'T moderate my food. I can't do it. I've proven, over the last 2 years. I can't.  It's all or nothing, there's no in-between. I can't wean off. I can't just eat a little bit. I can't. I get lost, I don't even know I'm doing it. Or I do know, and I loathe myself with every single bite. But I keep shoving it down as fast as I can. So no one will see. So I don't get caught. Because I'm the only one who cares...

Dad pipes up and says "I would not eat carbs for 14 days to get your brother to stop smoking." (My brother did stop smoking, a little while ago now, too - congrats, bro!!)

My food is an addiction. Like my brother's smoking. And it's that bad that my dad will do this to help me.

And if we do this, if we do this together, I can do this. I've done it before. I've done it once. My body needs this. I need this. I need this success. I don't need a crash diet. I need to remind myself that I am in control. That I am the boss of me. That I am not controlled by my cravings or my mood, or even by what food I'm surrounded with. No one can make me eat a bun with my dinner. No one can make me cave and eat noodles.

And I will run. And I will train. And I will get faster, and stronger. And I will have fun. Because running these races, with my friends, and with my family? That's going to be fun.

I hate running. But I can do it. And I will learn to love it again. My body loves it.  I can do this.

14 days.

14 days.

14 days.

Here we go....