The Lost Voice

Sooo I've been wrestling a bit with whether or not to write about my cold, opening night, and all the events leading up to it because, really, NONE of this has anything to do with the "subject" of the blog, except perhaps my being sick and the anti-health that is... AND because I don't think I can talk about it without bringing religion and my beliefs into it and I think I've managed quite well to like, NEVER be preachy or whatever. hahaha Anyway, so JUST warning anyone who might care to be warned. hahaha

So yeah. I wrote before about the play and the ridiculousness that has me a pretty darned important role in the play. And then earlier this week I wrote, surprise surprise, about me being sick. I KNOW that me being sick is NOT a novel topic for this blog - I get sick ALL THE FREAKING TIME. (I asked my doctor about it once, like, WHAT the heck is up with my immune system or the complete and utter lack thereof, and she just aid I keep coming up against stuff that I'm not immune too! So...there ya' go. If you've got something I WILL catch it, so please stay the heck away! Seriously, I'm like, the most sickly health-fanatic I've ever heard of.)

Okay, so. I got sick on Monday. Dress rehearsal was scheduled for Thursday, opening night on Friday, etc. etc. Sooo yeah, I spent a little WAY too much time this week stressing out about whether or not I'd be able to sing.

I'm a HUGE believer in God, in His power over everything. I believe there's a PLAN and while I do NOT believe in fate I do believe that He is in control of everything, knows exactly what's going on where, everywhere, with everyone, and even the BAD stuff happens for some reason that He has.

So on a scale of bad stuff happening me getting this cold is like, a zero. This is SO not a big deal. Except that I'm in this play, and there are OODLES of people who have put in RIDICULOUS amounts of ridiculously hard work, and there are OODLES of people coming to see the play.....aaaaaaand even though there are oodles of people involved there aren't enough of us with enough time for there to be understudies for the parts.

Right. So no understudy. Sick with a cold.

I spent a LOT of time on my knees this week. BEGGING the Lord for a miracle. I KNOW that all He has to do is, whatever it is that He does and in an INSTANT my cold can be completely and totally eliminated. Just, POOF, gone. BUT that while that may be what I'M begging for, it may not be exactly how it's going to work. He CAN make me better in an instant, or for some reason that only He will ever know...he'll leave me with my cold through opening & second shows. So I find Ihave to be careful what it is that I'm asking Him for, you know? 'Cause I don't want Him to have to say NO! hahaha So instead of asking (or demanding?) specifically HEAL ME NOW! I'd phrase it something more like..."thou canst heal me in an instant....please just bless me that I'll be able to get through the song on Friday night!" Right? 'Cause maybe, for WHATEVER, WEIRD reason, I'm supposed to be sick right now. Sure, why not. Right?

So it's Thursday night. I, feeling like death and having little to no voice to even SPEAK with, hop in the van with my carpooling buddies to head to dress rehearsal. I figure I can at least put on my costume and stand like a prop or something.

But by the time we get to the venue I've had it. RaeDawn is with me and helps me track down the Director to apprise him of the situation. That man was great - didn't even bat an eyelash. Asked if I could put on my costume and stand around for blocking, and was absolutely CERTAIN I'd be able to sing the part the next night.

Then he went and round up an understudy for me. With about 15 minutes notice this darling woman grabbed a script, practiced the song, was given a few very brief instructions about the acting, and dove in.

I got to sit in the back of the auditorium with my box of tissue and a garbage pail to collect the snot-filled ones in, and watch the show. (It's pretty good! Hooray!)

Right before the play started I ran into two missionaries who have been acting as ushers for the performances. I was like, OH, great! We ran to get Mr. Man and one of the Elders (what we call missionaries) helped Mr. Man give me a healing blessing (okay, if you DON'T understand that just...leave it for now. hahaha!) My blessing said Heavenly Father's aware, loves me, is proud of me, and I'll recover quickly from my cold.

By the end of the show that night I felt actually pretty good. Still little to no voice, but with additional prayers from I swear, every single cast member (at least it seemed!) FRIDAY came and I could sing.

Now don't get me wrong - it was NOT my best. I definitely sounded like I had a cold, but at least I could get the notes OUT and stay in tune. ;) It WAS my miracle. INSANE. Apparently backstage was the quietest when I went to sing because everyone was itching to hear if I'd be able to or not after all that praying!

Huzzah! Faith: 1. Adversary: 0.

SATURDAY MORNING I get up. Voice still isn't back. I feel great but the voice...yeah. Not good. But I leave it for a while. I don't want to test too early and strain it and not be able to sing that evening. But even if I have no voice all day I'll be fine, right? I mean, HELLO miracle?

I tested the voice briefly in the late afternoon.

Bad news.

Definitely can't sing.

Definitely can't sustain that high note (which on a regular day is SO not a high note! UGH!) DEFINITELY sound like garbage.

Oh. Mi. Gosh.

After some slight panic I'm all, oh it'll be fine. The Lord got me through last night, He's not going to leave me stranded tonight. But just in case I got BACK down on my knees to BEG for assistance. hahaha 'Cause OBVIOUSLY I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own.

Spent the WHOLE first act, sitting, waiting. Not feeling anything different in my voice. Definitely still sounding like a man when responding to questions (and constantly being told to not talk - so STOP TALKING TO ME so I CAN stop talking! GAH!) Then I got called up to be fit for my microphone (they tape them to our faces - it's weird and doesn't like staying put for me!). Then intermission was ending and I headed backstage. Then I was onstage, but it's a silent scene. Then it's the scene before my "big" scene. Then, it's my scene. Moment of truth.

I've been sucking on lozenges, eating honey, drinking Yoli and water, TRYING to keep the talking, at least DOWN if not to a minimum (I'm sorry - I'm one of these horrible people who when someone speaks to me I usually acknowledge them and speak back to them. I KNOW, I'm horrid).

Song starts.

I start singing.

Or..honking? What WAS that sound? UGH! Missed the first note, got back on, tried to move to another note, voice cracked, wheezed, broke....hit another note, screeched one for a split second before disappearing....

It was AWFUL. AWFUL. I just COULDN'T get the sound out. Couldn't do it. I was TRYING.

So here I am in front of a couple hundred people (maybe a few? venue's not huge, thank goodness, but we have all the cast and crew, too...) making a complete fool out of myself, TRYING to sing this incredibly beautiful song meant to portray Mary Magdalene's anguish that not only has Christ been killed but now that His body's gone missing. And I'm RUINING it. RUINING it.

I honestly started crying between breaths and croaks and the odd good note. I mean, the show must go on, right? Even though it's not really, it just keeps on going regardless of whether you're ready or not.

The final part of the song has me sitting at the edge of the stage, about 3 or 4 feet from the folks in the front row, and I can totally see them and I'm bawling, trying to squawk out some semblance of a melody. I think part of me was feeling a bit betrayed and let down - I sang it last night, Lord, where did You GO? I need HELP! WHY WHY aren't You with me tonight? What did I do? In the grand scheme of things this is SO not important, but here, right now, for these people, and those who've put in ALL this work, this is IMPORTANT and I'm TRYING and HELP ME PLEASE!

It was humiliating.

I trudged back to the tomb at the end of the song and for the first time on stage literally wept. And I thought, well, she's supposed to have been weeping, so that's fine.

We finish the scene - Mary Magdalene sees the resurrected Saviour and leaves to tell the brethren. I dash offstage, which is normal for the end of that scene, but ohmigosh, I couldn't get off fast enough.

I got behind that curtain and just BAWLED. I sobbed and sobbed - oh it was HORRIBLE. I just felt so horribly disappointed in myself, let down...i was SO upset. But we had to snap me out of it quick and fix my tremendously ruined stage makeup (MAN does it run when you're wearing it that thick! hahaha YIKES!) so I could get back out there and try to choke out "Peter! Oh Peter," and the rest of my lines.

When I was finally finished for that performance I was SO relived.

But then I had some time to think about it. And some wonderfully supportive people and feedback helped, too. Everyone backstage just said my lack of voice helped ADD to it, and it sounded like I had been crying and that added so much to the spirit of the song. Of course, they couldn't see backstage that I WAS sobbing my way through the disaster, but in retrospect they're totally right - she WAS weeping. When Christ showed Himself to her at the tomb He DID ask, "woman, why weepest thou? Whom seekest thou?" And having the complete and utter inability to sing that song the way I wanted to made ME weep and made it look like I was actually able to channel some of her feelings. So no, it wasn't an amazing spiritual moment for ME while it was going on, but I guarantee that someone in that building who could hear or see what was going on last night needed to see Mary Magdalene weeping at the tomb, abd because the Lord DIDN'T answer my prayers the way I had begged Him to I was able to do that.

That doesn't mean I'm not hoping with everything I've got that my voice isn't 100% better and back to normal for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday's performances coming up. ;) But maybe that's just because I have a limited earthly perspective on life.