Oh, go ahead. Kick me while I'm down.

I have the flu. Not like, the thing we all CALL flu but it isn't really, but the actual real influenza flu. Miraculously I HAVEN'T puked (knock on wood) but ohmigosh I don't remember EVER feeling as sick EVER as I did yesterday. I'm sure I HAVE been...but not on memory.

AND I have an assignment that was due today....30 minutes ago. Which I didn't a) finish or b) hand in.

Let me back up a bit and tell you about....life.

Heading into the school year Mr. Man and I did lots of strategizing and planning about how the heck we were going to make this work. My LAST year of school, our marriage, Little Miss, work/business opportunities, church commitments, extended family time.... We've had this (and similar) conversation(s) lots in our 6 year marriage but we both seem to be either a bit too overwhelmed to actually see it all through oooorrr..let's face it, we are a couple of SLOTHFUL individuals. (Which may in face BE from the constant overwhelm-ed-ness. Right??)

So I have been making a CONCERTED effort this semester to SCHEDULE and to stick to it. We have a rough monthly-calendar - this night is for date night, this night is for boys' night, this night is for girls' night, this day is for 'extracurricular' church activities, etc. etc. And then in my DAILY/WEEKLY schedule I've been trying to work with a to-do list - what do I need to get done that needs to get done, what can I get done so I'm not in a panic later, how much time do I have for this assignment and where does it fall with every other assignment, etc.

Sounds pretty good, eh? Like if someone is THAT organized EVERYTHING should just fall into place, right??

WRONG

Of course that assumption is wrong. Why would it work? This is ME we're talking about! Life can't ACTUALLY be that simple!! It can't JUST take planning.

So, LAST week my school to-do list consisted of beginning and getting a good chunk out of an assignment for this week (today, actually) and studying LOTS for a midterm on the Friday. Here's how well it went:

Monday
I had PLANNED to start studying on Monday for the test on Friday, but in my plan I was also VERY aware that Monday was Thanksgiving so didn't really COUNT on starting so early. As it was we had a relatively relaxing morning at Mom's, I ran a really good 5K, we headed over to my MIL's for the afternoon and turkey dinner where we visited, Little Miss played with her cousins and had a blast.... not an overly productive day for school, but I still had LOTS of time.

Tuesday
Tuesdays are my busiest days at school. Class 9:30-11, then the gym with the Jedi, then a lab from 12-1 then I try to get some homework done, then a lab from 2-3, then class from 3:30-5. It's a CRAZY day, and my breaks aren't really long enough to get much done, unfortunately.

This Tuesday in particular was....interesting.

In my one lab so far this semester we've been working in groups of 5 on a HUGE presentation/lecture on something about cardiorespiratory exercise physiology. MY group is full of a bunch of uber-keeners, which is GREAT because we're going to have a great presentation, I think. But they NEVER EVER EVER listen to me. It drives me NUTS. I LOATHE working with these people. They NEVER let me say anything, always interrupting, or jumping all over some aspect of what I was trying to suggest - they drive me completely bananas. I go into lab every Tuesday thinking, okay, it will be better, and by the end I'm clammed up just sitting there letting them jabber on about whatever. And the BEST on this Tuesday, I was suggesting since our group's presentation is mid-November and our 'group study notes' (so the class has something to go off of to study for the final) are due at the BEGINNING of November that we focus on the study notes and then take the basics out of THAT to put in our presentation. They looked at me like I was an alien.

Then my ONE ally in the group, maybe ten minutes later, suggested the EXACT same thing with the EXACT wording and everyone was like, hey-yeah-what-a-great-idea!

So I was feeling a little irked and upset this Tuesday.

THEN we got out of my last class half an hour early. I was SO excited. I'd be HOME before 5, have time to pee and make dinner before I even had to pick up Little Miss at 5:30... I could play with her a bit, print off my notes to study from, and get to work!!

It took me an hour to get home. An HOUR. When I told my mom later she responded with "HOW did it take an HOUR? I didn't think your city was BIG enough for ANYTHING to take that long??" On a BAD day it takes me 15 minutes to get to or from school. It took me an HOUR.

I was late picking up Little Miss. I tried to phone but of COURSE my cell was dead - why wouldn't it be?? I FINALLY got her at 5:45, RAN in the house, threw a pot of pre-made spaghetti sauce, a pot of water to boil, and sat down to watch SpongeBob Squarepants.

About five minutes later I looked at the kithen.

Which I couldn't see.

Because of the copious amount of SMOKE filling it up!!

I RACED to the kitchen, and discovered that in my slovenly house there'd been left a plastic jug on the stove top and I had of COURSE turned on the wrong burner.

I frantically tried to tidy up, opened all the windows, turned on fans, trying to get the smoke out of the house. Of course, turning the fan on just SPREAD the smoke until there was a dull haze everywhere. I called Mom in exasperation - she'd left a message to see how I was doing. She calmed me down a bit and ordered I get her granddaughter out of the house away from all the plastic fumes to a super-healthy, fume-free McDonald's around the corner.

Off we went.

We got home around 7:30. I was back on the phone with Mom for instructions what to do about the smell. Mr. Man came home. We got Little Miss to bed.

By the time I finally sat down to do my homework it was 9:30 and I was SO SO spent, I just tossed it aside and went to lay down.

Wednesday
Wasn't OVERLY eventful, other than some mishaps on Facebook in trying to make an event page for a Norwex party my mom is having while having a two-year-old demand for my attention. The five-minute 'create event' job ended up eating about an hour of the day.

THEN Wednesday night I had a choir practice for the church choir I'm in charge of - we had our biggest 'performance' EVER on Sunday and so were practicing with our last-minute-fill-in pianist Wednesday night. (That's a whole other story). Little Miss and I headed to the chapel just in time for her bedtime, daddy came and picked her up, and I was at the church practicing and going over parts and on and on for three hours. Got home after 10. And, as always with less than a week to go, the choir did NOT sound ready. We were going to BLOW it.

Thursday
Middle of the 'night' Little Miss was up. And up. And up. She would NOT stay asleep for goodness knows what reason. So then we were up all night, too.

Thursday morning rolled around.... I had a back-up alarm set (I usually do) in case Little Miss doesn't get us up in the mornings (at a DECENT hour, not 3am!!) that I MUST have just slapped off because I woke up at 9:06. Mr Man was still asleep, Little Miss was still (or finally?) asleep, and I had class at 9:30. WHICH if I'd LEFT immediately, no regard for clothes or gathering what I needed for the day I would have probably made. But inSTEAD I ran to my computer to e-mail the Jedi, who has that 9:30 class with me, to tell him I'd not make it today. For the first time.

I turned on my computer, opened my e-mail...

And there's an e-mail from HIM saying he'd been up 'till 3:30 studying for a midterm in another class and he didn't think he'd make it to our 9:30 - could I please take and send him notes.

Brilliant.

I went to my seminar at 11. Then I went home to finally START studying for Friday's midterm. (Notice I haven't gotten to my assignment yet....)

I melted down. I was so BEYOND not motivated. I couldn't do ANYTHING. I didn't workout, I took a bath. I didn't study, I read a book. I was just DONE. Had it. Complete insanity took over.

I managed through the day to get through my notes once.

Friday
Wrote the midterm - only time will tell. Complete recovery from meltdown.

Saturday
Tried to hunker down and work on assignment. DID work on assignment, but could NOT for the life of me come up with a topic. With less than a week and I'm still topic-less.

Mr. Man and Little Miss did the grocery shopping while I stayed at home and worked, then later we all went out to the mall for a change of scenery.

Sunday
Church.

Choir practice.

Home, lunch.

Get dressed fancy for the choir performance. Get to church 1.5 hours early for last minute rehearsals.

With a few exceptions, we NAILED IT. It was great!! I think Wednesday must have scared them all into some serious practicing because BOOYA it worked!!

ALSO means Sunday was another total write-off for homework. Which is fine - I try NOT to do it on Sunday unless my ox is in the myer and what-not.

Monday
Played with Little Miss. Sent her to daycare. Planned to tidy the house a bit and head to school early for a run with Mi. Got stuck on the phone. Kept saying 'bye' but conversation wouldn't end. Was late to meet Mi. By the time I got there I only had time for a 5K before having to hit the showers and get to my biomechanics class.

GOT to biomechanics only to discover that I'd left something out of my wonderful scheduling when I wrote it all in my book at the beginning of the semester - our midterm is next Monday.

OH. GOOD. GRIEF.

And how did I MISS that??

Tuesday
Uneventful - the Jedi KICKED MY BUTT at the gym, I went to my lab and got some help and ideas for the paper (TWO DAYS BEFORE IT'S DUE!!!) from my group, who seemed nothing short of shocked and appalled I hadn't figured it out yet on my own. FINALLY zeroed in on a research question. Spent Tuesday's breaks researching and reading up on the topic so I can write the thing.

Tuesday night, worked on the assignment for hours. As time goes on, head gets fuzzier. Paper is to be 5-8 single-spaced pages. I can't finish the first page. Everything I write is making little-to-no sense. But it's FINE - I can churn out 5 pages EASY on Wednesday. I have ALL DAY.

Oh, did I mention that in my 'plan' I'm supposed to have started studying for another midterm I have on Friday by this point??

Wednesday
Yesterday.

SOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo sick. So so so sick. I know I can't write the paper, watch the kiddo, and be this sick. I call daycare and send Little Miss early. Then try to work on the paper.

Still can't get it past a page.

Get sicker as day progresses.

To the point where I'm laying in bed, literally writhing in agony and sobbing through the phone to Mr. Man, BEGGING him to come home. It FINALLY sinks in that I'm not going to get this assignment done.

I e-mail my T.A. I e-mail my professor. My T.A. writes back, wishes me get-well-soon and says that I have to talk to the professor. Obviously. Professor doesn't write back.

Mr. Man and Little Miss come home. Little Miss wants Mommy. Mommy is sobbing from the hurt and ache and because she's SO afraid that this MIGHT be H1N1 and Little Miss might get it.

Today
Still sick, though MUCH MUCH better today. Fever appears to have mostly left, though I'm still a BIT warm. I registered with the school as having a case of flu. Haven't a) finished the assignment b) heard back from my professor, c) started studying for tomorrow's midterm, which I guess I may not be allowed on campus to write depending on whether or not my fever comes back, though I'm not expecting it to.

This weekend I'm supposed to: go to my mom's Norwex party, celebrate her birthday with a girls-only night on Saturday, play piano for the children's primary presenation at church on Sunday, study and master the entire semester-so-far's worth of impossibly difficult biomechanics problems - trigonometry is the EASY part! I'm SO knackered! - study for ANOTHER midterm on Tuesday, and OH yes, assuming he allows me to hand it in late, finish that STUPID assignment that was due....two hours ago now. I'm really not expecting any leniency, though - this professor is INTENSE and doesn't seem apt to give breaks. I'm really unimpressed with him so far, even if he IS the world's authority on thermoregulation (who CARES??)

That actuallly sounds like a manageable weekend, relative to everything else that's been going on! Now if only I could feel better ENOUGH to get my butt out of bed....

Time for another nap.

Inside the brain of a crazy person.

Do you really not know why it matters to me what you think??

Have you not noticed I care what EVERYONE thinks??

It's HARD having 'monsters' in your head constantly pointing out how horribly you do not belong where you are. And of course the "you" here is me.

I should have graduated YEARS ago. I should be done this. I shouldn't still be here. I don't LOOK like these people.

I shouldn't know what we know and study what we're studying and look like THIS. I should look like her and her and her...even that ugly girl has a FANTASTIC figure and she looks like she belongs here. Part of being credible in the professions that stem from what we're doing is LOOKING like you know what you're talking about. I can talk the talk 'till I'm blue in the face buuuut....who's gonna' listen to me??

I look like a 27-year old mom. At least in my mind. I probably talk more about [my kiddo] at school than anywhere else - like I need her front-and-centre so that people know why I am the way that I am, why I look like this. So she can take some of the blame for who I am. I babble about her constantly in seminars, group work....whenever I meet someone new "I have a two-year-old" is one of the first things that comes to mind. I have to explain why I'm different to make it okay.

I love my family. SO SO SO much. [My husband] and I are perfect. Weird, and quirky, but perfect. And I couldn't love [my kiddo] more if....well, anything. Life depended on it. Whatever cliche you want to use there, I couldn't love her any more. She is absolutely everything. I am THRILLED with her, I LOVE being her mom. I cannot sing enough of her praises to anyone and everyone who will listen.

But at school, they're a defense mechanism. A wall.

I don't wear makeup because it helps me think that I don't care. Or it makes me think that I'm maybe fooling people into thinking I don't care. And because I DO care SO much it seems a wasted effort on the days when my face more exactly resembles an order from Pizza Pizza than a beautiful woman.

I hang out with you guys - with you, and you, and you - I don't belong with you guys!! I'm constantly beset by horrid and prevalent feelings of inadequacy and what I'm sure is a borderline at best yearning to be as attractive as my peer group at school. You KNOW you're good looking. I'm still working on it.

So I'm SORRY I can't get over it or I bring it up too much or whatever the problem is. I have a REALLY hard time believing [my husband] thinks I'm as gorgeous as he should, which I'm sure he does, I just can't believe it. So feeling like I fit in with YOU and the other 'kids' at school?? Never going to happen.

I've always been really hung up on this. I workout and try to make it better, but I think at least as long as I'm in school, constantly SURROUNDED by beautiful people, this is the way I'm going to be.

I'll try to keep it to myself. Hazard of your weaseling into 'friend' status, I guess. You can back out anytime - the only person really STUCK with me is [my husband].

But I like to remember HE asked ME so he must not feel all that stuck after all!

Okay, I should be working on the research proposal.

Sorry for dumping on you but it's been bugging me since you 'asked'. In future I'll try not to vomit all my inner-everything on you....ever. hahaha I'm a pretty damn good bottle-er. Keeps me safe.

I'll talk to you later, sometime.
Me

The first illness of the schoolyear and...lots of other stuff!

So I got sick. It's actually been a good while, hasn't it?? I mean, I've had under-the-weather days, of course, but relative to my usual sick-for-two-weeks-every-five-or-six-weeks it has been FOREVER since I had a cold!!

Until now, of course.

My throat was giving signs of not-feeling-goodness last Wednesday night, but nothing too concerning. My darling mother gave me some Oil of Oreganol to choke back when I feel the I'm-getting-sick tickle (it is HORRID HORRID HORRID stuff - UGH! BUT the latest scientific data presented by my mom - so-and-so said to take this - suggests it is THE latest anti-cold miracle non-drug.....hahaha I take the relatively harmless ones JUST IN CASE one of these days so-and-so gets it right!) and at the first onset of throat-tickle I DIDN'T TAKE IT!!! THAT was my problem. Thursday morning I woke up with definite throat's-off-ed-ness, but nothing too big. I TOOK the Oreganol Oil, went to school went to the gym with the Jedi (ohmigosh - we did lunges, jump-lunges, single-leg knee curls and extensions, more lunges, calf raises, abductors & adductors [top outside and inside of thighs] and THEN he made me JUMP up on this bench repeatedly, after my legs were beyond gelatinous and no longer working I had to JUMP on a weight bench.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhh..... Whoa, was that a tangent???) and then.......(remember, we were at school working out with The Jedi)....I DIED. I was done. I felt like DEATH. Friday I was like a walking germ factory. But I TRIED to keep my potentially-H1N1 to myself, soooo here's hoping no one dies because of my I-will-never-cut-class-ed-ness.

Anyway, since then I've been just chillaxin'. Well, doing my homework, writing tests, starting a new business (don't worry - DEFINITELY more on THAT coming!), playing with the kiddo, playing with friends, working my butt off on Christmas cards to sell at an upcoming craft sale (I have 18 done and am hoping for at least 100....hahahaha)...... Yeah, even the sick me is probably a little too busy.

BUT I haven't run - my head's been too fuzzy or achy or swimming-in-gunk, and I only went to the gym with the Jedi once this week.

I ALSO haven't been eating sugar, again. It was delicious and wonderful at my birthday, but we're done again. Sugar and I are breaking up.

Until my MOM'S birthday. ;)

She's supposed to do it with me. We decided that birthdays and things are TOO much fun and we LOVE a REALLY REALLY good birthday cake (none of the homemade kinds - I don't like homemade or box-made cake. But the super-dee-duper amazing bakery cakes that cost too much money and are slathered in sickeningly sweet butter cream icing) with some good vanilla ice cream on the side....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...... SO for NOW we're going birthday-to-birthday. My birthday was in September, Mom's is in October. So going about a month sugar-less. Then we'll go from Mom's in October to Bravo's in December - a little MORE than a month... see, we even get to WORK UP our sugar-fast goals as we go! Cool, eh?? Anyway, that's enough of that. I broke up with sugar. We just acknowledge that we may (will) occasionally hook up for some serious NCMO in the future. But our dependent relationship is FINISHED.

The OTHER thing that's been going on, that I am WAY WAY too excited about, is that Mr. Man and I have gone into business together! Hooray!! Too much fun.

So it's a bit of a long story but a sister-in-law of a good friend contacted me about this new company/product she'd heard about to get my opinion, 'cause apparently I'm a genius or something. hahaha We talked LOTS and did LOTS of research and talked lots and lots to each other (Mr. Man and I) and we FINALLY came to the conclusion to be:

YOLI DISTRIBUTORS!

We are TOO TOO excited about this.

Yoli is a fantastic, in our humble opinion, NEW network-marketing company that we think is going to give QUITE the shake-up to the beverage industry, specifically health/energy beverages. They've developed this great technology, called "blast caps" where all of the ingredients to their delicious juice formulations are FREEZE-DRIED at the peak of ripeness to immediately and indefinitely LOCK IN the nutrients. This process completely eliminates the need for hot-fill/pasteurization (which kills OODLES and OODLES of vitamins and minerals in our regular fruit drinks), chemical preservatives (ever look at exactly what sodium benzoayte actually IS?? Read the WHOLE THING if you click on it...) AND it's TOTALLY natural - no SUGAR (hello, obesity epidemic?), no artificial colours or flavours, LOW glycemic index (diabetes, anyone?)...I could go on and on and on.

AND if you understand at all how network marketing works you know WHAT a fantastic opportunity it is to have a shot at the TOP - Yoli isn't even IN Canada yet and we're already in!! We're SOOOOOOOOO excited. WE are the people telling all the other people about it! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (If THAT sounds interesting to you, in ANY country, visit our website and let us know!! Or leave me a comment with your e-mail address and we'll send you some info).

Okay, so THAT is what's going on with us lately. I'm sick, but hopefully almost over it, I broke up with sugar (in my drinks, too!) AND I'm in LOVE with YOLI! hahaha

What's new with you??