Inside the brain of a crazy person.

Do you really not know why it matters to me what you think??

Have you not noticed I care what EVERYONE thinks??

It's HARD having 'monsters' in your head constantly pointing out how horribly you do not belong where you are. And of course the "you" here is me.

I should have graduated YEARS ago. I should be done this. I shouldn't still be here. I don't LOOK like these people.

I shouldn't know what we know and study what we're studying and look like THIS. I should look like her and her and her...even that ugly girl has a FANTASTIC figure and she looks like she belongs here. Part of being credible in the professions that stem from what we're doing is LOOKING like you know what you're talking about. I can talk the talk 'till I'm blue in the face buuuut....who's gonna' listen to me??

I look like a 27-year old mom. At least in my mind. I probably talk more about [my kiddo] at school than anywhere else - like I need her front-and-centre so that people know why I am the way that I am, why I look like this. So she can take some of the blame for who I am. I babble about her constantly in seminars, group work....whenever I meet someone new "I have a two-year-old" is one of the first things that comes to mind. I have to explain why I'm different to make it okay.

I love my family. SO SO SO much. [My husband] and I are perfect. Weird, and quirky, but perfect. And I couldn't love [my kiddo] more if....well, anything. Life depended on it. Whatever cliche you want to use there, I couldn't love her any more. She is absolutely everything. I am THRILLED with her, I LOVE being her mom. I cannot sing enough of her praises to anyone and everyone who will listen.

But at school, they're a defense mechanism. A wall.

I don't wear makeup because it helps me think that I don't care. Or it makes me think that I'm maybe fooling people into thinking I don't care. And because I DO care SO much it seems a wasted effort on the days when my face more exactly resembles an order from Pizza Pizza than a beautiful woman.

I hang out with you guys - with you, and you, and you - I don't belong with you guys!! I'm constantly beset by horrid and prevalent feelings of inadequacy and what I'm sure is a borderline at best yearning to be as attractive as my peer group at school. You KNOW you're good looking. I'm still working on it.

So I'm SORRY I can't get over it or I bring it up too much or whatever the problem is. I have a REALLY hard time believing [my husband] thinks I'm as gorgeous as he should, which I'm sure he does, I just can't believe it. So feeling like I fit in with YOU and the other 'kids' at school?? Never going to happen.

I've always been really hung up on this. I workout and try to make it better, but I think at least as long as I'm in school, constantly SURROUNDED by beautiful people, this is the way I'm going to be.

I'll try to keep it to myself. Hazard of your weaseling into 'friend' status, I guess. You can back out anytime - the only person really STUCK with me is [my husband].

But I like to remember HE asked ME so he must not feel all that stuck after all!

Okay, I should be working on the research proposal.

Sorry for dumping on you but it's been bugging me since you 'asked'. In future I'll try not to vomit all my inner-everything on you....ever. hahaha I'm a pretty damn good bottle-er. Keeps me safe.

I'll talk to you later, sometime.
Me