Disorganized

If you've ever been to my house you know that as a family we are totally disorganized.  We're all over the place.

I was a slobby kid, for sure. Mom used to have to really coerce me to clean my room, and it always took me FOREVER.  I've just never been good at seeing the mess, seeing each item's home, and putting them all away.

Except when I lived in Utah for a while.  I dunno.  Maybe because I was SUPPOSED to be studying at school?  But I cleaned all my and my roomates' dishes and tidied the kitchen like, daily, and YES my room would be a disaster, but I would self-motivate and clean it SPOTless before I could sit down and focus on my homework.  That room of mine would glisten.

No mommy to make me do it, either!

....I kinda' flunked out, though.....

Yup, balance is one of my super-strong points.  oy

I don't know remember when in our married life it became a problem.  I feel like we've been having the same issue, fight, conversation, whatever, since the day we got married, but looking back there must have been a START, you know? One of us was the first to not put something away and then the other would have followed suit until the craziness that is us fully reared its ugly ugly ugly head.  And we can sit and talk and strategize until we're both blue in the face - me from talking and Mr. Man from holding his breath waiting for me to STOP talking? KIDDING - but we never get on top of it.

It's really really disheartening.

I KNOW it's a clutter problem. There's just TOO MUCH STUFF.

But after a several-hundred-dollar-costing pick up from the junk company of a ginormous pile of stuff we threw into the backyard, it didn't get better.  Like, the day after the pick up you couldn't tell we'd gotten rid of anything.

Regular piles of donations and trips to Goodwill doesn't cut it down.

Most recently we donated 7 garbage bags PLUS to Canadian Diabetes Association in their neighbourhood pickup.

Not even a dent in the problem.

Which I find REALLY REALLY disheartening, because we don't bring a lot INto the house - we can't afford it!  hahaha  We're not out constantly adding to our collection because we haven't any money with which to do so, so when we oust something that should be that, right?

Which means we're REALLY just super-dee-duper slovenly.

And it's not a habit I know how to break.

And it SUCKS because this is my JOB. I'm the MOM, currently a stay-at-home Mom, soooooo my job description includes all this everything-in-the-house.  Not going to lie, housekeeping has never ever ever ever eeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvver been my dream job.  Ever.  And I'm terrible at it.

Livingroom

Front entrance, closet side

Front entrance, window-side. Pretty sure that green thing is mostly full of literal garbage.  AND there's crap piled in the window-sill.

Livingroom from entrance. Children's place bag full of hand-me-downs I have to sort through (I love hand-me-downs, except all the additional work they mean).

Sit at your own risk!

At least there's more than a pathway of floor, but man does it need to be de-crumbed. View from livingroom to diningroom.

Every single surface in my house looks like this.

Top of the piano.

That painting of Little Miss' on the left is the top sheet of a pile of papers including umpteen paintings of hers, epicure ordering information, and sheet music. The file on the right is the file about our bathroom renovation.

Surfaces, nooks, crannies.... can't get in to de-dust-bunny 'cause of all the stuff, wires, etc.

This is where I'm currently sitting.  I tried to clear it the other day but got in trouble for un-organizing the organized mess of bills..... we lose stuff here daily.

Hide it behind the curtain in the windosill.  You CAN see these piles from outside. There's a laptop in one corner that was diagnosed DOA probably close to a year ago.

The view to the kitchen from the diningroom.  Don't you just itch to eat food from here?

And here?

The view of the playroom from the kitchen.

The playroom looks like this after Little Miss & the daycare kiddies from last week decided to dump all the toys from the giant bin we keep in there - the bin is better to use as a car, bathtub, boat, hiding place, etc etc than a place to store toys - aaaaand Little Miss went on a paper-cutting frenzy, sitting in the playroom with her scissors chopping up everythnig in sight.  Great for fine-motor-skill development, not so great for cleanliness.

One side of Little Miss' bedroom.

The other side. Stickers falling off the wall (any suggestions for how to get those things to STAY ON? They're SO CUTE but becoming the bane of my home's decor) aaaaand an explosion of the in-the-bedroom toy bin onto the end of the unmade bed. Apparently there was a party after lights-out last night.

With the bathroom reno finished we've been working, for weeks now, on the paint job. So the bathroom extras reside in the hall.  Tight space to fit through to get to our room.

Bagged and boxed bathroom stuff waiting for me to finally finish painting.

The unfinished bathroom paint job. It WILL look amazing when I finally get it finished, I've decided, but oy it's a lot of work.

Our hoarders-esque bedroom. Note you can't see the tops of dressers, the shelf on the wall over there that's been in a need-to-move-that spot for about a year - I have a scar on my shoulder from running into it getting into bed.

So before you freak on me and go all-clean-the-dang-house-why-are-you-BLOGGING, hear me out.  I will clean it today.  I've already supervised Little Miss cleaning up her playroom (there IS a floor under all that, all the toys are back in the bin, the paper pieces are in the garbage, the puzzles back on the shelf....), run the dishwasher, put away some of the clean dishes that were out from a party we went to on the weekend.... I will get it to a tolerable state today.  At least, parts of it. The livingroom, diningroom...hopefully I'll get a few more stripes painted in the bathroom tonight after Little Miss goes to bed.

But I have been trying my darndest since I graduated last year and being a mom became my full-time employ to get on top  of this house.  And I can't.  I. Can't. Do. It. 

I don't know WHY.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know why I work so hard and clean and tidy and organize and get on top of one room and every single other corner of the house has become uninhabitable (don't even get me STARTED on our basement, which I did NOT go on a photo-frenzy with).  And YES I know it doesn't have to be perfect - mess means lived in and sometimes indicates a healthy prioritized household, but come on. Did you SEE the pictures?? There's a line, and we're WAY WAY WAY over it. And this is the more-normal-than-not state of our house.

I couldn't even hire a maid to come in and clean and help me because there are no friggin surfaces to be found for all the piles of crap everywhere! 

So I'll work at it today. I'll find the counters in the kitchen and get the dishes put away. But I won't get the stickers back up on the wall in Little Miss' room or clear the floor in our bedroom.  Again.  I'll tidy and dust around the tv and in the livingroom, but I'll never find a 'home' for the stinkin' nuts and bolts sitting on the end table by the couch that held Little Miss' old toddler bed together.  And maybe I'll tidy the computer desk, and then none of our bills will get paid because I'll have totally knackered the piles. 

The only thing I know for sure about my house is that I am absolutely 100% incapable of fixing this by myself, but have no alternative.  It's discouraging to know that forever and always you are destined to spend your life spinning your wheels getting nowhere.

Back to the useless grind I go!

Remember when....

Hey, it's me! 

Remember way back when in August I said I'd be back to blogging?

Remember when I used to use this blog to confess my I'm-a-kinesiologist-in-training-and-absolutely-know-better trespasses against my athletic physique?

Remember back in the spring, when I was practically SKINNY??

Remember when I qualified as a "runner"?

Remember when it didn't hurt to wear pants that don't belong to Mr. Man?

Remember when I used to fit a bra without that horrid my-boobs-are-too-big-for-this-but-I-apparently-like-to-look-like-a-hootchie-with-the-boob-bulge-over-this-line thing going on?  Because I had fantastically SMALL boobs????

Remember when I could do the 300 workout in under an hour, and found some definition under all my post-baby belly fat??

Remember when I used to love Yogilates??

Remember when I did the 30-day-challenge with some friends to test if we had any idea what we were talking about trying to help people with weightloss goals??

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have been itching to blog for...well, months, now.  But I've been WAY too embarrassed.  My CLOTHES do NOT fit, and I'm not even only talking about my fantastic, new-within-the-last-year-since-I-ACTUALLY-hit-the-impossible-Gap-8 clothes (which, by the way, are excruciatingly painful, if I can get them on at ALL...).  I saw my reflection the other day while cooking in my mom's kitchen for Thanksgiving - I'm HONESTLY starting to look like a fat girl - my thighs come so so soooooooo together WAY too early at what should be the top of my legs, but is really around my knees... it makes each movement look like one leg is going to have to go through the other in order to take a step forward.  I mean, I have giant, soccer-playing legs to begin with, but then there's all this...this.... GROSSSSSSSSSSSS around it and it's busting out of my pants.  And let's not even get INto my muffin top.  I mean, muffins?  PLEASE!  This is an entire CAKE busting out of not just the top of my pants (belt is like the cruelest word EVER right now - I fold over and cry in pain at the thought of attempting to cinch around this monstrosity).  And not only my pants, but my shirts, blouses....  If I'm not wearing a pair of my husband's baggy jeans and a sweatshirt I can guarantee you I am agonizingly uncomfortable, and super overly conscious of every jiggle, wiggle, waggle, and cellulite-loaded flapping-in-the-wind. 

I. Feel. Disgusting. 

My treadmill is STILL broken.  That thing has turned out to be the biggest joke on me, EVER.  And I KNOW the weather's actually PERFECT for running right now, because it's just cool enough without being biting, to keep a run a very comfortable affair.... but I'm so FAT and my running clothes, OBVIOUSLY are not MEANT to be worn by someone as chunky as me.  I feel like taking this thing out, dressed in THAT, is just cruelty to the world... and I can't seem to get myself past that mental hurdle and out on the street to go for a run.  I feel like I NEED my treadmill operational or I'm just going to keep expanding until I explode....which could be very soon because, SERIOUSLY, my clothes don't fit.  (Cautionary note: if you're hanging out with me any time soon, you MAY want to wear safety goggles to protect your eyes from sky-rocketing buttons flying from my overtaxed apparel...)

Please please, don't post that I'm silly, that I look great, and you don't know what I'm talking about.  YOU'RE silly if you can't see the difference between now and back when school ended and I was on top of things.  School ended, my routine got off, and it's just never gotten back on.  I'm NOT crazy.  I may slightly overstate the problem, but it is a problem.  When your mother will (grudgingly - she's still my mom! I'm always gorgeous to her) admit to you that your weight is ballooning you KNOW there's a problem. 
I can tell every morning when I open my drawers that there's a problem....

Though I know that I haven't been pregnant I was kinda' hoping that maybe by NOW I'd be pregnant and I could kind of excuse myself my holy-super-fatty transgressions and aim for slower-weight-gain pregnancy this time around.  BUT, of course, as in keeping with the year, I am NOT.  Big surprise there. 

So... I can keep wallowing in my expand-a-butt glory...which has honestly been going on for months.  And, really, may continue.  Or I can do something about it.  I hope I do something about it - I'm tired of feeling like this.  My brother's perfectly petite, dwarf-of-a-girlfriend came for Thanksgiving, ate reasonable amounts of food, and after her ONE splurge the entire weekend says "oh, I workout."  Well, congratulations, and hooray for you.  Even when I HAVE a really long, good go of on-the-wagon working out, I NEVER have and never WILL have the obvious success YOU have, so please, yes, rub that in my chipmunk-cheeked face again. 

You know what else is just ironic about the whole thing??  I'm currently growing my hair out.  hahaha  Okay, so I know I'm the only person on the planet who would ever find that funny, but last time I cut it short, before I got pregnant and had Little Miss, I always said I'd never ever grow it out long again unless I lost a tonne of weight and actually hit size 8.  Which I NEVER thought would be possible.  But I just think I look so extra CHUNKY with long hair, and I should keep it shorter unless my face was thin enough to pull it off....  Anyway, so I LOSE all the weight, do that silly play (remember when I was in a play?) and then decide life will be easier if my hair is longer NEXT year when we do the play again..... so I'm growing my hair out.  And I'm probably the fattest I've been in the last three years, barring immediately after giving birth.

Mom thinks my waist size is directly linked to my happiness level. 

I just think I need to figure out this stupid food problem.  I hate food. 

I need some popcorn.

Inside the brain of a crazy person.

Do you really not know why it matters to me what you think??

Have you not noticed I care what EVERYONE thinks??

It's HARD having 'monsters' in your head constantly pointing out how horribly you do not belong where you are. And of course the "you" here is me.

I should have graduated YEARS ago. I should be done this. I shouldn't still be here. I don't LOOK like these people.

I shouldn't know what we know and study what we're studying and look like THIS. I should look like her and her and her...even that ugly girl has a FANTASTIC figure and she looks like she belongs here. Part of being credible in the professions that stem from what we're doing is LOOKING like you know what you're talking about. I can talk the talk 'till I'm blue in the face buuuut....who's gonna' listen to me??

I look like a 27-year old mom. At least in my mind. I probably talk more about [my kiddo] at school than anywhere else - like I need her front-and-centre so that people know why I am the way that I am, why I look like this. So she can take some of the blame for who I am. I babble about her constantly in seminars, group work....whenever I meet someone new "I have a two-year-old" is one of the first things that comes to mind. I have to explain why I'm different to make it okay.

I love my family. SO SO SO much. [My husband] and I are perfect. Weird, and quirky, but perfect. And I couldn't love [my kiddo] more if....well, anything. Life depended on it. Whatever cliche you want to use there, I couldn't love her any more. She is absolutely everything. I am THRILLED with her, I LOVE being her mom. I cannot sing enough of her praises to anyone and everyone who will listen.

But at school, they're a defense mechanism. A wall.

I don't wear makeup because it helps me think that I don't care. Or it makes me think that I'm maybe fooling people into thinking I don't care. And because I DO care SO much it seems a wasted effort on the days when my face more exactly resembles an order from Pizza Pizza than a beautiful woman.

I hang out with you guys - with you, and you, and you - I don't belong with you guys!! I'm constantly beset by horrid and prevalent feelings of inadequacy and what I'm sure is a borderline at best yearning to be as attractive as my peer group at school. You KNOW you're good looking. I'm still working on it.

So I'm SORRY I can't get over it or I bring it up too much or whatever the problem is. I have a REALLY hard time believing [my husband] thinks I'm as gorgeous as he should, which I'm sure he does, I just can't believe it. So feeling like I fit in with YOU and the other 'kids' at school?? Never going to happen.

I've always been really hung up on this. I workout and try to make it better, but I think at least as long as I'm in school, constantly SURROUNDED by beautiful people, this is the way I'm going to be.

I'll try to keep it to myself. Hazard of your weaseling into 'friend' status, I guess. You can back out anytime - the only person really STUCK with me is [my husband].

But I like to remember HE asked ME so he must not feel all that stuck after all!

Okay, I should be working on the research proposal.

Sorry for dumping on you but it's been bugging me since you 'asked'. In future I'll try not to vomit all my inner-everything on you....ever. hahaha I'm a pretty damn good bottle-er. Keeps me safe.

I'll talk to you later, sometime.
Me

At Rope's End?

In the past I've commented on my issues with keeping my house tidy & clean. And seriously, keeping on top of this super-tiny house of ours while going to school full time being a mom and a wife has literally reduced me to tears on numerous occasions. If the inside of my house looks good the outside is in such horrendous disrepair - we're the house bringing down the value of the neighbourhood. If I get the lawn mowed, the weeds weeded AND put in the green-bin, the toys "put away", the plants watered... then the inside resembles the aftermath of a nuclear war.

For MONTHS I have been vetting. GET IT OUT. I've probably gotten rid of enough to have made a fortune holding yard sales, but would have had no where to organize the things to sell so have just been bagging it and sending it to good will (which means it gets put in a bag where it resides in my front hall, added to until beyond overflowing, and then months later on one of those super-dee-duper productive Saturdays it finally makes the trek only to be replaced by the next bag). And honestly, with the whole yard sale thing, I'd love the 'extra' cash, but I just want it OUT of here.

So, recently, I got my living/dining room under control. It was fantastic. Mr. Man and I trekked off to Ikea to look at some storage solutions for Little Miss' toys, books, movies... all the stuff "she" keeps close-at-hand. We had some ideas when we headed to the store and came away SO SO SO thrilled with the result. I couldn't be more thrilled with how my living room has ended up and how easy it is to tidy up and subsequently CLEAN!! I dust and mop regularly in there now BECAUSE I CAN!!

Then we started looking, with Mom's suggestions and assistance, looking at ideas for how to permanently find the ever-so-tiny counter in my kitchen, and we came up with an idea that was fantastic but we weren't totally sure how to implement it. So, we got step one done, LOVED it, and Mom and I went back to acquire the necessary parts for operation-save-the-kitchen-step-two. WHICH I have to admit I was thrilled about and confused as to how we'd make it work, but above all DETERMINED!!

Mom and I found it. We found IT! We FOUND the answer!! Our step-two plans dramatically changed, we spent WAY more money than we meant to (but it was ON SALE, like 50% off!! And when things are that expensive - come on, it's Ikea; you know even the EXPENSIVE stuff isn't that bad! - you're saving OODLES!!!) and we lugged it all home. Home where I explained the new vision with Mr. Man. Who seemed totally on board.

So, the other day Mr. Man went to work, Little Miss went to daycare, and I got to work. I worked and built and lugged and hammered until my hands were quite literally raw and sore from over-utilization of the screwdriver - by the time Mr. Man got home from work I couldn't close my hand around the handle. My hand still hurts a bit though normal function has more-or-less returned.

We got one of the big items in, though it needs to be sanded and treated with oil before I can use it, still. And the other one.... in a fit of extreme exhaustion yesterday afternoon Mr. Man announced that he doesn't think it will work. We can't mount it (it goes on the wall) without risk of killing us all WHEN it falls down.... Basically I will forever have this hunk of furniture just sitting on the floor in front of the piano in the next room, never to be used. It is an impossible task.

I can't finish cleaning/organizing my kitchen without it as it's an integral part of the plan. With our current new implements I've run out of "away" places to put things and desperately need more. I'm an extraordinarily capable woman but I will admit my knowledge and skill-set for all things...like this do not extend past following the Ikea instructions. I do not volunteer to use a drill without supervision and I would have no idea how to even explain to the helpful staff at The Home Depot or wherever what the heck I'm trying to accomplish. I fear that if I spearhead the operation we really will need to fear for our lives waiting for my handiwork to come crashing down.

ALSO in our basement we've done tonnes of work. We acquired a FANTASTIC new shelving unit from the "as is" section of Ikea to replace these decrepit old hunks of junk full of more junk - Mr. Man and I set out the other night to put it together to I'd have the next day to sort and organize and find the floor in the basement so we can actually use it for more than just catching all the junk that makes it down the stairs. Except something went wrong and the last shelf doesn't line up and we can't finish the thing!! So that's been sitting downstairs unfinished for days now with a giant mountain of books that desperately needs sorting and putting-away so we can dig out the rest of Little Miss' toys and whatever else junk we have down there so we can get RID of it so there's room for Mr. Man's family to come visit and stay in a couple of weeks.....................................

Today was supposed to be spent finishing the kitchen. The "man" work of all that was supposed to be all done yesterday - I even lined up a couple of guys to come over and help Mr. Man hold it up on the wall (I CAN do that, but Little Miss gets in the way aaaaand it's EASIER to hold it steady if there's someone on either side) while he installed it. But he called and cancelled - just told them "we're not as far along as we planned." Which is a lie.

And so now, today....I don't know what to do. The house, as always, looks like a bomb went off in each of the rooms. I feel like I'm never going to win this battle. My parents were going to be on a mini-vacation near us and Dad was going to go golfing and Mom was going to come help me finish the kitchen, but then all hell broke loose and I don't even think they're really talking so I can't get them to come and help.

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of unfinished good intentions.

The whole POINT of the summer was to take a break from school and get this stupid house in order so it'd be easier (NOT easy, but easiER) to keep in order NEXT school year so I can actually focus on my homework every now and then. So far....I have two workspaces completely covered in crap (I'm typing this on my lap), a kitchen I can't find for any extended length of time, a bedroom I can't vacuum for all the crap everywhere, a kiddo's room that gets torn apart every night after the door is shut on bedtime, an interpretation of Everest in my basement wedged between and around large currently useless hunks of furniture, and zero motivation to do anything about it.

Maybe if I adopt a more laissez-faire attitude someone will take pity and just do it all. OR someone will finally call child services on me and take my kid away from this squalid existence.

Maybe I'll go do a load of laundry - I think my soccer uniform is in the hamper from last week.

Happy Mother's Day?

So before we get down to 'business' I HAVE to tell you about my Mother's Day. hahaha

This is my second Mother's Day as a mom. Last year I got a new ceiling fan for my dining room (if you'd have seen the old one you'd be as ecstatic as I was TOO! Little Miss has EXCELLENT taste in ceiling fans!) This year....

Yesterday Mr. Man, Little Miss and I piled into the car for a trip to the Home Depot to get a shelf to put up in our bedroom - we have a tiny house and are falling ever-so-much-more in love with shelves because we suddenly go from NO space to hey-there's-a-spot-to-put-this.... Anyway, we're in the car, about 3pm, and Mr. Man asks "So when IS Mother's Day this year??" hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I figured that was that for this year. TOO funny. He was shocked and horrified to discover that he only had 9 hours until Mother's Day.

THEN later, we put Little Miss to bed and were all ready to snuggle down and watch a movie and Mr. Man's pager went off for work. He looks at it, GROANS, and says NOOOOOOO........ He ended up working for a couple of hours (= our movie-watching time) and that was that. We were almost asleep AFTER work when he phone rang ('bout 11:30/12ish - occasionally I hate his job) and he was up working again 'till 1am or so.

SO instead of breakfast in bed this morning to make up for the lack of card, gift or anything Mother's-Day-Ish I was woken by a screaming Little Miss at 6am who I had to tend to as Mr. Man had had the late night working.

I DID get a yummy dinner of BBQ pork chops, and lazed around in bed most of the afternoon so it wasn't a TOTAL bust, but still pretty funny. I thought, anyway. It's just a date on the calendar, though - I know they love me regardless. (It's my BIRTHDAY that really counts... hahaha)

BUT all that aside I wanted to get BACK on track here - I haven't been posting about my exercise or eating or goal-fulfillment (or incredible lack thereof) aaaaaaaand I don't know how I look to the outsider but lemme tell ya' I FEEL like a Heffalump. (Little Miss and I watched "Pooh's Heffalump Movie" today - cute. I'm Mrs. Heffalump. Not-so-cute).

A while back I said I was going to watch the food with my whole belief that I may actually have a PROBLEM and not just a need-for-fuel with food. I did okay for a couple, maybe a few weeks buuuuuut..... ohmigosh, yesterday I made a double-batch of cookies that didn't turn out to be my best batch because I ate too much of the butter/sugar combination before mixing in the other ingredients so the finished product (of which there are WAY WAY WAY WAY too many - what was I THINKING?!?!) is slightly more flour-tasting than it should be. How did I solve that? Rolled the dough in sugar before baking it.

Oy.

See??

And that's not all. Every year for Easter Mom buys Uncle Bravo, Mr. Man, and I each our very own box of 48 Cadbury Cream Eggs - my FAVOURITE. Seriously, I ate them ALL in about a week. Maybe two. Disgusting.

I can't STOP EATING.

And I haven't been running 'regularly' - I've been working so hard on WORK stuff since finals ended I've been finding/making excuses. And while the running may be blasting fat when I can drag my butt away from my desk to do it I have oodles of sags and lumps and bumps to deal with still. Not pretty.

I think part of my problem is the new schedule. Mr. Man's work schedule got changed, too, so we're dealing with all sorts of whoa-what-who's-where-when and it throws me off.

SO here's what I'm HOPING to do, starting tomorrow:

I'd like to re-start the Five-Factor-Fitness workout I used to do BEFORE I got pregnant - I tried to reinstate it immediately after but found it too stringent for life with a newborn. BUT we're going to see if we can buckle down and get this puppy done. I'd like to add three runs/week to the workout if I can - five factor consists of 5 25-minute (intense) exercise sessions/week starting with some high-intensity cardio and then focusing mainly on strength training. Which is all fine-and-dandy but I need to bust FAT soooo need more aerobic training!! Enter running. Which I more-or-less enjoy now anyway, sooo just have to make it all fit in the schedule! But I figure I'm looking at:
Monday: 5-factor+run = 1hr
Tuesday: 5-factor = 25 min
Wednesday: Run = however far/long I go that day ;)
Thursday: 5-factor = 25 min
Friday: 5-factor (plus soccer in the evenings once that starts....SO probably no run)
Saturday: 5-factor + run = 1hr.
Sunday: COMPLETELY OFF

I'm DETERMINED that I can shed this weight. I just have to DO it. SO we'll start with the workout and then work on the food. (There are a LOT of cookies in this house right now - I don't think I'm ready to just throw them out.... *sigh*)

WISH ME LUCK and if you want to JOIN me...leave me a message - it's easier with back-up!!

If cleanliness is next to Godliness...

...then I must be the devil incarnate!!

GEEEEEEZE!!!

Okay, so MYSELF, I'M clean. Like, I showered today and I even used soap!! PROMISE!! But my HOUSE?? TOTALLY different story. Not only is this thing untidy but underneath all the clutter I'm CERTAIN is dirt. There must be. Because I haven't been able to rummage through the clutter well enough to CLEAN the dirt in...well, I don't think I'll admit to you how long. hahaha

WHY is this relevant?? I want to to some yogilates tonight - Little Miss is in bed, Mr. Man's on his way home from work and we have a stay-at-home-and-play-a-game date, and I figure, HEY what the heck? I'm in a weight-loss challenge and seriously seriously need to get back with the yogilates to complement my awesome running, why not? THEN I look in what used to be my living room, where I usually DO the yogilates. Yeah. Not going to happen. Like not a chance in h*ll, which is apparently where I reside.

I have been TIDYING and CLEANING all week and I CANNOT get on top of this. Driving me NUTS. It's Mr. Man's birthday on Monday and at the moment I think the plan is for all my in-laws to descend upon us Sunday to partay - where the heck am I going to put them? Currently they won't be able to get in the door, let alone sit down somewhere!!

SOOOOOOO no yogilates tonight. I'm going BACK to my cleaning. Maybe in a few days you'll actually be able to tell that I've cleaned something....
_______________________________
AND on a TOTALLY different note:

You have GOT to go check out this FANTASTIC new blog by MrsSuzyQ a.k.a. The Treadmill Goddess. I was absolutely riveted. Give it a read and let's give her our support!! KUDOS, MrsSuzyQ; I'll be checking up on you!

Somethings

Didn't run yesterday but DID exercise - YAY! hahaha AND I had a total meltdown, too. It was awesome. I'm much better today.

I posted the other day that I've discovered I NEED to run because it releases all the angst and stress I build up in my body on a CONSTANT basis, and let me tell you, yesterday, was an angst-ridden day. Oy!

So yesterday afternoon, feeling like garbage (stressed to the max) I popped in a dvd I acquired in January to help fight off the baby-incubator-fat I'd PILED on. It's The Biggest Loser like, on DVD, and the trainers are INSANE. Anyway, I went through Bob's sick Cardio Max and got myself calmed down, all sweaty, and felt thin. hahaha

THEN Little Miss and I went to school to meet my group to work on a project. Yeah, if there was ever a dead-weight for a group project it's me in this one. OH MI GOSH. I don't understand the class even enough to have anything to contribute to the project. It's one of those ones I had a critical test in last week (I got an A on that; thank goodness for neuroANATOMY because neuroSCIENCE is kicking my trash) because I barely passed the midterm.... Anyway, combination of not having a clue what's going on and Little Miss SCREAMING her head off in the middle of the library full of students who are NOT parents trying to study and shooting us looks of what-the-HECK (I'm SORRY everybody! There was no way around it!!)and I don't even KNOW what else, I LOST it last night. Not 'till after Little Miss went to sleep and Mr. Man came home and I started talking about my day - then I seriously just flipped my lid. I sobbed like I don't remember having ever sobbed before, and you can ask anyone who's seen me - when I sob I hold NOTHING back.

So, TODAY I feel amazing. :) Weight lifted. I'm no closer to understanding the project or being an asset to my group but for whatever reason I'm A-okay anyway.

And tonight, soccer!! Wish us luck!

What happened to October Goals?

Soooooooo I've been slacking. I'm happy to be the first to admit it, and sad that I am at a point where I have to say it. I DO think the midterms are a good, not EXCUSE, but REASON for having taken more time for school than for exercise this week ;) (my grades will definitely agree, I promise you), but I've let myself get so burnt out feeling that my non-studying time has been spent doing NON exercise things. But I DID make this WHICH I think is pretty cool. AND is work-related so it wasn't even like I was WASTING time!!

Anyway, I'm watching a video taken earlier today of me emceeing a children's talent show (we're giving the kids the video for Christmas) and feeling like a WHALE. I look GINORMOUS and THEN some poundage!! GAH!! Hopefully I'm the only one who will ever watch this video and think that, but it's discouraging.

At the same time, I had a great...encourager? hahaha today - I put on a pair of dress pants that Mom-O and I bought a good while ago, post-pregnancy, that were kinda' snug at the time but I figured, hey, if I need 'em I have 'em. Anyway, they're almost HUGE on me today, which in light of the fact I feel like a whale must mean I was beyond large when I bought them. But they're HUGE today, which means I'm SMALLER! Which means, IT IS WORTH IT to run 5K periodically!!

One more midterm, on Monday, and then expect to hear about me being totally and completely back on track. And leave me mean and rude comments about being a fat-reared slacker. PLEASE. I need all the help I can get!!

Thanks for "listening" to me tonight - a bit of a pity-party rant, but it is what it is.