Pride

Reality sets in.

So, here it is, 12:46am the last "night" of reading week. What a great week we've had. You may remember last year we went to Ottawa for the week to visit friends. Well, this week we opted for a full-on "stay-cation" which we just....NEEDED! And LOVED! It has been SUCH a wonderful week being home, all three of us. We've been as busy as ever - I don't think we've yet had a free night? PHEW! But we've gotten so much done that we've been putting off...it's just been great!!

And now I'm feeling the staying-up-too-late exhaustion, and looking at my list of schoolwork and preparation to get back in the groove by Monday morning at 8am, when I have my first midterm, and my 10am meeting with my professor advising my independent study...and I'm having a bit of a panic attack.

UH oh!!!!!

And I'm thinking, oh, it's okay, I'll just get to work like mad tomorrow night and we'll get done what we get done.

Except I'm WORKING tomorrow night! hahaha

WHOOPS.

Anyway, it will all be fine. I'm an expert "fritter-er" and actually perform amazingly well under wicked self-imposed amounts of pressure to make up for it soooo while I may miss the A for Monday's midterm I have to admit....I DON'T CARE!

It's been a WONDERFUL week and I wouldn't have changed a moment of it for a higher mark if I HAD had a little more foresight.

On the other hand...these next couple of days are going to be pretty interesting... hahaha

Wish me luck! ;)

The Ins and Outs of the blog hiatus

So it feels more and more frequent that I go on these huge hiatuses from my beloved blog. Which is ridiculous because I do so enjoy writing down random nothings here and degrading my attempts and occasional successes with exercise..... Since posting the LAST post about my sugar addiction I can't even BELIEVE the number of great "blog posts" I've started in my HEAD that have just never made it over to the keyboard!! I have learned SO MUCH about sugar lately and it's enough to make your mind explode!

No, FOR REAL! ;)

Anyway.

I think we're just still really having a hard time getting in the swing of this semester! Which is ridiculous because it's halfway over. But Little Miss has been sick on and off (now is an off time - she's delightful as ever!), my lightened class schedule has me working with probably not ENOUGH structure so I'm a little flighty with some of my academic responsibilities (don't let my parents read that one! hahaha Don't worry! I AM graduating in the spring! hahaha PROMISE!), the house is in uproar, I can't always remember Little Miss' schedule with the sitter, Mr. Man still works 1.5 hours from home, etc. etc. etc.

Maybe it's just because it's my last semester? Maybe I'm just SO checked out and that's why I'm not functioning? My exercise "routine" is even....let's say OFF to put it nicely....at the moment. I'm SO much less than consistent. Which, I will tell you right now, is not doing anything to help this waistline of mine.

I miss hitting the gym regularly with The Jedi hollering at me "Up! Down. Up! UP! Down." Gosh, frankly, I miss the Jedi! And I was looking forward to getting some running in with Mi this semester...that hasn't happened.

It's just been a WEIRD couple of months. I don't know why, I don't know what to attribute it to, I don't know exactly what I need to change to fix it. In the meantime... I'm going to try when I have an awesome (or at least, a me-voted-awesome) blog post kicking around in my head to actually GET IT TYPED OUT so you're not left with....NOTHING. Aaaaand...maybe we'll get in the groove of this semester by finals??

I am SO SO SO ready to be finished school. SO ready. I even have the JOB I want and it's going GREAT and I LOVE it and I LOVE my kiddo and I can't wait to REALLY be home with her... siiiiiiiiigh

Today.... I did NOT run. I did NOT do 300. I DID eat too much ice cream, and some (some? HA! LOTS!) cookies, and I did enjoy our super-speedy celebration of Brown Mom's birthday before heading out to rehearsal. (Oh yeah, that's a WHOLE other story. hahaha I'm in a play. I know, right? Who in their right mind would put ME in a play??)

...please start leaving nasty comments if I don't post again by....Sunday. And something actually INTERESTING that people care about. hahaha THANKS!

Losing control

I don't remember if I've ever told you about my falling off the sugar-wagon - did I? I may not have mentioned my attempt to get back on it after my last downfall. I was doing great. I was feeling great. I looked great - seriously, I was wearing some things that I generally don't love how I look in and I LOVED how I looked in them. The combination of my sugar-less life and the Jedi's kicking my BUTT with 300 was FINALLY working wonders. The secret, honestly, seemed for me to be the sugar. When I eat sugar I eat a LOT of it.

Then, one night (and my dear friend, please don't ever take it that I'm BLAMING you, I just know this is when it started again...) the Jedi came over to do homework, and being the super sweet wonderful friend that he is he brought with him.....

....CHOCOLATE

And not just any chocolate. No no. This was authentic Polish dark chocolate-coated marshmallow.....

And I wasn't due to break my sugar-fast until the next birthday, but I rationalized. I rationalized that if my army-dictator-type-'trainer' was sharing chocolate with me that it MUST be okay for me to reunite with my nemesis for just a moment. Just one moment.

Right?

But then I didn't just eat one. I ate most of the top flat. Mr. Man and the Jedi ate a couple each, and I polished it off.

So fine. So I binged on chocolate. So what??

I've never STOPPED EATING!! I've been stuffing food in my face ever SINCE! I just...can't stop! (I'm eating "cool ranch" Doritos as I type this...they're SO GOOD).

I went to a girlfriend's house to watch "Glee" one night, and she had oodles of cake in her freezer left over from an event at work....and I said let's go GET it and then ate....at least 3, probably 4 pieces. Always cake-first to save the icing for last. (MMmmmmmmmm.....iciiing.... give me a 'tub' of Betty Crocker with a spoon....)

Somewhere in all the eating Christmas happened, which was pretty intense as far as food goes. Christmas Eve and Day dinners, fudge, oodles of the marshmallows that should have been going into the fudge.... OOOoooooooooo.....maaaarshmalllllooows.... drooling

And I've just...never recovered.

I was telling Mr. Man last night. I almost got caught in a marshmallow thieving-moment this weekend at my mom's. I was in the kitchen, dumping mini marshmallows out of the bag onto the counter for me to wolf down when Mom walked in. I am SO good, she didn't see me stash the bag under the counter, tuck the massive pile of marshmallows behind the card on the counter - counter's white, marshmallows are white, hallelujah camouflage - nor did she notice me quickly close up the bag and kick it behind the cheerios box on the ground while she popped popcorn for our Glee-a-thon. (I put the marshmallows back in the cupboard the next morning, when only Little Miss and I were in the kitchen).

When I was a kid I used to make up butter cream icing while my parents were busy doing...whatever, wrap the whole recipe's worth in saran wrap, and keep it in my underwear drawer. Then I had access whenever without having to put the money out on Betty Crocker. Which is an issue for a middle school kid. (And, actually, a 27-year-old student & mom....huh.)

When I think about food, which is often, I often like, day dream about food. And when I think about eating a doughnut I think about eating the whole dozen doughnuts. I can taste and feel the various Krispy Creme flavours on my tongue and feel the remnants making their way down my esophagus to my stomach. I can easily put away that whole box in one sitting. I can literally FEEL the food inside me. The picture at the top of this post? Is PAINful to look at - I can feel it, taste it, smell it, just sitting here looking at it. I like, NEED a doughnut!

I ate most of a bag of Miss Vickies at my mom's the other morning watching Glee (we had a fantastic FANTASTIC leisurely weekend, for like, the first time EVER it feels like! ....we watched a lot of Glee. I LOVE Glee.)

When I think about quitting sugar (again) I'm in agony - I think about and can taste and feel all my favourites (is anything not my favourite?) and think that I can't do it. Can't do it. I LOVE ice cream doused in corn syrup (there weren't any other "toppings" in the house....I ate that combination in abundance the other week... SO good. Little Miss kept asking what I was eating and I lied and told her it was yogurt so I wouldn't have to share with her.....)

So I think I have to do it. I HAVE to do it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep eating like this.

And I know I don't only binge on sugar, but it's my HUGE downfall. I don't mind eating the occasional over-sized bag of Doritos if I'm NEVER drinking corn syrup.

.....and I'm wondering if I should look further into this, which I stumbled upon doing research for my independent study on body image and eating disorders. The more I learn about it the more I worry I have it...but then the fact that I'm self-diagnosing negates my concerns. sigh

I have to go get my once again increasingly large stomach tucked into my gym clothes for my Therapeutic Applications of Exercise lab, which is super exciting. I won't eat a doughnut.

I'll let you know when I swear off sugar again for sure. Mr. Man offered to do it with me this time when we were chatting last night. I wonder if that will help.

I need help.