Death sucks. Period.

I'm a week away from my due date, now.  And I'm suddenly hoping this baby stays IN for as long as possible...

I had an acquaintance. An absolutely lovely acquaintance who was such an integral part of some of my dear friends' lives it always amazed me that we never really ventured passed being well acquainted with one another.

She was so many things I aspire to be.

Anyway. She died today. She had breast cancer, and beat it. She was a superstar. She wasn't going anywhere for anything.

But then the cancer suddenly showed up in her spine, and ever since then, well, that was kind of it.

And she's gone today.

And I don't know what to do.

I'm not crying - we weren't close enough that hearing of her passing has me bent over a box of kleenex, though goodness willing I will be at the funeral and I am certain the tears will flow freely.  But right now...I'm just...forlorn.  It's the only word I can come up with.

I'm sad for her family, her friends. I'm devastated for one of my dear friends who considered her a mother. For her grandchildren here now and those that will come in future. What a horrible thing to NOT know her.  I'm devastated for her best friend, who, in my humble opinion, is dealing with WAY too much in her life right now, and has now, officially, lost her one obvious go-to person in the world.  Best friends are so important. I'm lucky to be married to mine, but not everyone has that in life. How do you get through it when your person leaves??

And I don't know what to do.  I messaged Mr. Man earlier: I wish there were something we could do. Anything. I wish death could be "helped" for those who lose people. I think that's one of the worst things, how helpless it makes us feel. There's just...nothing you can even SAY, let alone do. It just sucks.

I have appointments tonight, and I don't want to keep them. I just want to hole up in my home with my family, mourn, and hold them close to drink up every moment with them that I get. Little Miss is sitting beside me here at the table drawing pictures of me - "Mommy! Look how big and fat you are, being pregnant!"  The only thing on her mind right now is the any-moment arrival of her little sibling... She asks why we're sad and we say that a friend died today, and she says, with all the gravity possible by her five-year-old self "I'm sad, too, Mom, because you're sad."  And then she skips off to keep playing being a pirate, and drawing pictures of her people.

It just sucks. And I DO have some pretty strong beliefs, faith, what-have-you about the eternal nature of life. I know that there's life after death, and that it's a bazillion times better than what one would be experiencing in mortality while cancer ravages one's body. And for that, for her, I rejoice. I am happy to know she's free from the pain and suffering of being here.

But that doesn't make it NOT suck. Maybe it makes it better, but it still sucks. Death just sucks. It sucks it sucks it sucks. It's sad, it's hard. It's impossible for us to really wrap our heads around, because mortality is all we KNOW. It's all we can fathom or even pretend to begin to understand.  So, yeah. When death wins, and it always does eventually, it sucks.

I had to laugh, though. One of my dear dear friends posted an "RIP" status on Facebook for this wonderful lady, and it just made me smile.  I can't imagine her either "resting" or "peaceful" with her new cancer-free self!  She used to say of herself that her passion was the theatre, while her day job was at a desk.  She was always up to and into something. Always on stage, acting, singing, dancing. She was beautiful. She had four sons, and from the little I know of their family, what a riot they must have had! She was one of the most infectiously-delightful people I've ever been in contact with.

So no, I can't imagine her resting. Or "peaceful." I'm sure she's at peace in that she's no longer suffering, but my goodness, did anyone ever know her to sit still? When she beat her breast cancer she took up different types of exercise, not that she was ever idle before - she's always been one of those beautiful, healthy ladies everyone envies because of her poise - started TEACHING exercise classes. Participating in different fundraising campaigns to BEAT cancer. She bought and redecorated a house, painted the whole thing, renovated the kitchen... she worked her butt off in her volunteer church positions, and even took on extra projects like putting on a musical production about the stories of the various women whose interactions with Christ are recorded in the New Testament and Book of Mormon. She did that just because she could, because she wanted to. No one asked her to do it.

She had the greatest collection of shoes a girl has ever seen.  hahaha Which is such a silly thing, but I love that she loved herself enough to take the time and the money to make sure her feet looked fabulous.  We don't all budget for that.

Anyway. I've had a few blog posts ratting around in my brain the last couple of weeks, but this...this just had to come out.

We loved her. We'll miss her.  Our hearts break for her.  I look so forward to the day when I understand eternity. And in the meantime, this sucks. We'll all survive it, her family, her friends. But I so wish life could end without tears.  I don't know.

It sucks.