"Just" had a baby.

Well, here we are. Nine weeks after my Mini Miss joined the family. And she's PERFECT. As, honestly, all babies are, who am I kidding?

....but mine is UBER perfect. Hahaha

Mini Miss, Day 1. Sheer perfection, honestly!

Seriously, I love being a mom. I ADORE my girls. Snuggles, tickles, giggles, burps, cries, "cupcakes," lost teeth, butterfly kisses, sausage-link legs, and unibrows. BEST. GIG. EVER.

But as much as I love BEING Mom, I do NOT love looking like "Mom." This whole, frumpy-Mormon-mama look I have going on at the moment? Yeah....sooooo done with this. Hahaha

Now, one of my all-time favourite quotes EVER is from the excellent J.K. Rowling about how ridiculous we, as a society, are about fat and weight and appearance. And I 100% totally agree with her position (which position I actually hope to address soon in a specific blog post... Time will tell!) but at the same time, which, again, I will write about later, I can't handle being this fat any longer. Hahaha

Okay, and here's what you're going to say. Or, at least, what everyone DOES say: but Red, you JUST had a baby!

Well, as true as this is, it's not entirely. She's still pretty new, but she's not TOO new anymore. I mean, as teeny as she is, she's gained about 4lbs aaaand you can't tell me that grinning face belongs to a newborn baby.

And I'm breast feeding thus far, so, obviously I need to be eating like a cow because, well, gosh darn it I AM a cow!

Here's the thing: I don't think cows secretly binge whenever no one is looking.

On EVERYTHING.

Yeah, since Mini Miss arrived I have been SERIOUSLY struggling with keeping it together, usually failing miserably. Just with food, though. I've still got my head about me. Well, as far as I can tell, anyway... Maybe Mr Man has a different opinion of that, but he hasn't yet shared it with me if that's the case....

Let me explain a bit better. I made fudge to take for dessert to a friend's house for dinner one night; my fudge recipe requires marshmallows. So...I bought a bag of marshmallows and an extra to have on hand so next time fudge-making comes up I have some on hand. ...both bags of marshmallows were empty by the evening.

I bought some fruit-by-the-foot crap "for Little Mss" the other day because the ginormous box was seriously on sale and it's a nice treat for her on the rare occasions I buy them. I put her to bed at 8 and by 8:15 I'd eaten 3 without Mr Man even knowing I was eating anything at all.

I sneak chocolate chips from my baking supplies until I run out.

I ate ALL my Easter candy in two days. And I got a LOT of candy for Easter. And I snuck candy from Little Miss until she ran out. Poor kid.

Oh yeah. That fudge? Yeah. I ate all the leftovers in a day. Almost all by myself. No big deal.

It's kind of funny; I've lately been trying to explain to Mr. Man about my food troubles, and he TOTALLY doesn't get it. You should have SEEN the look on his face when I told him I'd eaten 5 of Little Miss' fruit-by-the-foot snacks during the day, and how ridiculously extra face-crazy he was when I said I had JUST inhaled 3.

But he's never struggled with eating disorders, so, well, duh. This is NORMAL for me. This is my LIFE. I KNOW that I'm in control and I can make decisions, but my gosh, with food? SO not in control. I make up my mind that I'm never eating a fruit roll up again, and five minutes later I've had three. And there's like, no in between. I'm CONSCIOUS when I'm eating, but like, not in control.

I don't know how to explain it. Because I am, obviously, in control. It's just...I'm not. There's a disconnect between my brain, my feelings, my taste buds, and my stomach. And it's not something I can explain to anyone who doesn't experience it or hasn't.

I don't think I'll ever NOT be like this with food, because this is even after years of help, therapy, and I'm like, all BETTER, you know? It's just how I'm wired, now. Shrug. I don't know,

ANYWAY. So...YES, I just had a baby. But not "just" so much anymore. I'm into my fourth week back at kickboxing. My face, thankfully, is a little less fluffy than ten weeks ago, so that's a start. But I'm pretty big. A least, for me. And, honestly, I don't think just for me am I big anymore, but whatever. It doesn't matter.

SO, since I have such a hard time with this on my own, I'm planning to be back to blogging. I NEED the extrinsic motivation and accountability, even if NO ONE reads this stuff I need to think that MAYBE someone MIGHT, and I'm horridly the type of person who hates admitting to failure, so, THAT is often the kick I need to get myself where I need to be. Honestly, if you need me to do something, just give me a deadline and tell me you'll be checking, and it'll be done PRONTO. Don't give me a deadline? Yeah, that sucker will never get done.

Anyway, starting tomorrow at kickboxing we have the option to be weighed in and have skin-fold assessments done (again) so I will be opting for that, will post my current stats (they're fabulous) and track from there. Also, will be restarting my fourteen-day detox protocol to get myself back to my body's proper eating so that I'm back to being the healthy me that I'm used to living with, instead of the me that's hiding in garbage-bag-shaped tunics all the time.

Aaaaand the baby is crying for the boob and the Mister is getting a bit agitated waiting for me to finish the post sooo...until TOMORROW, friends! Please let me know if you check in so know how embarrassing it will be to fail because I need me to be able to do this. For me. For my family. I need to be my best me, and that means taking care of me. And I suck at that on my own when I'm just "starting" out.

Thanks, folks! Check ya latah!
Red