Losing control

I don't remember if I've ever told you about my falling off the sugar-wagon - did I? I may not have mentioned my attempt to get back on it after my last downfall. I was doing great. I was feeling great. I looked great - seriously, I was wearing some things that I generally don't love how I look in and I LOVED how I looked in them. The combination of my sugar-less life and the Jedi's kicking my BUTT with 300 was FINALLY working wonders. The secret, honestly, seemed for me to be the sugar. When I eat sugar I eat a LOT of it.

Then, one night (and my dear friend, please don't ever take it that I'm BLAMING you, I just know this is when it started again...) the Jedi came over to do homework, and being the super sweet wonderful friend that he is he brought with him.....

....CHOCOLATE

And not just any chocolate. No no. This was authentic Polish dark chocolate-coated marshmallow.....

And I wasn't due to break my sugar-fast until the next birthday, but I rationalized. I rationalized that if my army-dictator-type-'trainer' was sharing chocolate with me that it MUST be okay for me to reunite with my nemesis for just a moment. Just one moment.

Right?

But then I didn't just eat one. I ate most of the top flat. Mr. Man and the Jedi ate a couple each, and I polished it off.

So fine. So I binged on chocolate. So what??

I've never STOPPED EATING!! I've been stuffing food in my face ever SINCE! I just...can't stop! (I'm eating "cool ranch" Doritos as I type this...they're SO GOOD).

I went to a girlfriend's house to watch "Glee" one night, and she had oodles of cake in her freezer left over from an event at work....and I said let's go GET it and then ate....at least 3, probably 4 pieces. Always cake-first to save the icing for last. (MMmmmmmmmm.....iciiing.... give me a 'tub' of Betty Crocker with a spoon....)

Somewhere in all the eating Christmas happened, which was pretty intense as far as food goes. Christmas Eve and Day dinners, fudge, oodles of the marshmallows that should have been going into the fudge.... OOOoooooooooo.....maaaarshmalllllooows.... drooling

And I've just...never recovered.

I was telling Mr. Man last night. I almost got caught in a marshmallow thieving-moment this weekend at my mom's. I was in the kitchen, dumping mini marshmallows out of the bag onto the counter for me to wolf down when Mom walked in. I am SO good, she didn't see me stash the bag under the counter, tuck the massive pile of marshmallows behind the card on the counter - counter's white, marshmallows are white, hallelujah camouflage - nor did she notice me quickly close up the bag and kick it behind the cheerios box on the ground while she popped popcorn for our Glee-a-thon. (I put the marshmallows back in the cupboard the next morning, when only Little Miss and I were in the kitchen).

When I was a kid I used to make up butter cream icing while my parents were busy doing...whatever, wrap the whole recipe's worth in saran wrap, and keep it in my underwear drawer. Then I had access whenever without having to put the money out on Betty Crocker. Which is an issue for a middle school kid. (And, actually, a 27-year-old student & mom....huh.)

When I think about food, which is often, I often like, day dream about food. And when I think about eating a doughnut I think about eating the whole dozen doughnuts. I can taste and feel the various Krispy Creme flavours on my tongue and feel the remnants making their way down my esophagus to my stomach. I can easily put away that whole box in one sitting. I can literally FEEL the food inside me. The picture at the top of this post? Is PAINful to look at - I can feel it, taste it, smell it, just sitting here looking at it. I like, NEED a doughnut!

I ate most of a bag of Miss Vickies at my mom's the other morning watching Glee (we had a fantastic FANTASTIC leisurely weekend, for like, the first time EVER it feels like! ....we watched a lot of Glee. I LOVE Glee.)

When I think about quitting sugar (again) I'm in agony - I think about and can taste and feel all my favourites (is anything not my favourite?) and think that I can't do it. Can't do it. I LOVE ice cream doused in corn syrup (there weren't any other "toppings" in the house....I ate that combination in abundance the other week... SO good. Little Miss kept asking what I was eating and I lied and told her it was yogurt so I wouldn't have to share with her.....)

So I think I have to do it. I HAVE to do it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep eating like this.

And I know I don't only binge on sugar, but it's my HUGE downfall. I don't mind eating the occasional over-sized bag of Doritos if I'm NEVER drinking corn syrup.

.....and I'm wondering if I should look further into this, which I stumbled upon doing research for my independent study on body image and eating disorders. The more I learn about it the more I worry I have it...but then the fact that I'm self-diagnosing negates my concerns. sigh

I have to go get my once again increasingly large stomach tucked into my gym clothes for my Therapeutic Applications of Exercise lab, which is super exciting. I won't eat a doughnut.

I'll let you know when I swear off sugar again for sure. Mr. Man offered to do it with me this time when we were chatting last night. I wonder if that will help.

I need help.