Thankful "Thursday" (2 days late)

Hi!

I know, I'm two days late.  But I'm HERE aren't I??

I've had so much rattling around in my brain after coming up with this brilliant Thankful Thursday idea, and then so much actually going on in my LIFE, that I didn't get my post done on Thursday.

But, here we are.  Thankful Saturday! hahaha

Thankful "Thursday": the Unemployment edition

1) Clearance Racks

(image from: http://kristinemaeadelante.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html)

You may or may not know about me, I'm NOT the most, um, FEMININE of all the females ever.  I don't always (or even often) enjoy....I don't know how else to put it, but stereotypically 'girly' activities. Some of them even make me gag, balk, cringe, or just full-on LAUGH.  My poor mother, I think, has been somewhat regularly 'disappointed' in how non-genteel I can be, as she laughs in astonishment wondering how she got ME when she was told she'd had a baby girl! hahaha (Which is not at ALL to say I think my mom is disappointed with ME, she just may have occasionally over the past 29+ years thought GAH where's my little GIRL?!  If only in jest.... sheesh, don't WORRY. My mommy LOVES me BECAUSE I'm a nutcase.  Promise!)

Despite my somewhat, um, DIFFERENCES, though I will be the first to admit: I LOVE to shop.  And while the mall is actually NOT one of my happy places - I ALWAYS feel unattractive, frumpy, chubby, plain, and filthy when I catch my reflection at the mall, I do NOT know why - there is something just BRILLIANT about retail therapy.

And while my mommy and I have had a BLAST on three separate occasions now since Mr. Man was laid off in October, shopped until we dropped and had some seriously fabulous times together (which could honestly be a whole post in and of itself, and it would not be short. Mom and I....are a force in the mall. People LOVE us.  hahaha We scored a family and friends card at the Gap the other day JUST because the cash lady found us so delightful she didn't want to charge us full price for our loot! BOOyah!) I have to tell you how wonderfully empowering CLEARANCE racks are.

On a clearance rack this week I found a BEAUTIFUL skirt, my NEW size (it fits me PERFECTLY and I look skinny in it - hooray! Eat THAT mall mirrors! Muahaha!) and another one housed five-dollar blouses! FIVE FREAKING DOLLARS!! Well, I LOVE me a nice blouse, be it casually thrown over a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, paired with some nice dressy slacks, or over a skirt so I tend to go through blouses relatively quickly for a wardrobe.  And I found two for five bucks each.  NEW ones. Nice ones!

So, we haven't much income at the moment, but I make more than $5/week teaching piano. And you know what? I'm WORTH $5 AND looking neat and tidy and put together.

Yes, I absolutely know that there's a closet Becky Bloomwood inside of me. But one thing I LOVE about Ms. Bloomwood - she TOTALLY gets the satisfaction of a great new outfit.  Made zillions of times better by a FABULOUS deal.  I'm grateful for that rush of pleasure that helps ease the pain every now and then.  (And no, I am not an addict. hahaha)

2) Happy Pills

(image from: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=unraveling-the-mystery-of-antidepressants)

Another thing you may or may not know about me - I can never remember which of my deep dark secrets I've spilled on this blog over the past few years! hahaha - is that I suffer from clinical depression. I know, right? Sometimes people are SHOCKED to find that out about me, and other times (like after reading all my boo-boo-woe-is-me sporadic postings over the past year or so) people are NOT surprised. hahaha  Depression isn't as cut-and-dry as I think most people think it is.  But I digress. 

So I suffer from depression. Not CONSTANTLY - since first being diagnosed and treated (and HELPED - literally saved) in 2003 I've been OFF medication for a few years, symptom-free.  But, post graduation....yeah.  It came back and reared its ugly-butt head again.  And so I got chunky, which made me more depressed, unable to function...the whole thing made starting up at school again REALLY dicey... Little Miss and I were constantly bickering (which is pretty lame considering she's now four so would have been younger when I was at the height of my awesomeness - go me!)  Yeah, a depressed me is just...not good.  hahaha 

Anyway, I went to my doctor, honestly to have my hormone levels checked out. Depression this time around hadn't occurred to me - been there DONE that! Got better! MOVED ON.  Anyway, after testing and observation and lah-dee-da YES my depression was back.  But not like, full-swing.  I was suffering a 'moderate' case. 

So, we, my doc and I, decided that I did NOT need a prescription; moderate depression I can beat with nutrition, EXERCISE (which I was not regularly doing at the time), and just accepting my problem and facing it head on.  It's really, for me, just once I get moving I'm GOOD...I just have to get that first step done.  It's excruciating. 

For months I did what I was supposed to do.  I tried to eat better. I tried to exercise. I signed up for kickboxing to make a financial and temporal commitment to ME to get my expanda-butt in gear and boost my endorphin levels! I tried to study.  I got counselling.  

It didn't work. None of it.  I made NO improvement.  It was kind of crazy, actually.  How little affect my actions were having.  

Nothing worked for me until I got back on medication. 

And I know there's OODLES of controversy floating out there in the world about the usefulness of antidepressants, the placebo effect, overprescription.... Tom Cruise we all know is a strong advocate AGAINST these drugs while the big evil drug conglomerates are pushing pills down our throats faster than we can say "I'm having a grey day today."  Well, WHATEVER you want to believe is going on with me, that's totally fine, and you can have your opinion.  But placebo effect or WHATEVER happens to me when I'm sick and I get back on my medication to help... IT HELPS. 

And honestly. Do you really think I would have been able, thus far, to handle my husband's laying off and HIS emotional struggles around that for the past five months if I didn't have this incredible resource in my life, helping me be the best me that I can so that I can be there for him, for Little Miss, and for ME as we struggle through the humiliation of having to ask for help with our finances, facing increasing debt loads instead of our previously-planned elimination, and sometimes interesting dinner selections?  

I guarantee you there would be no way.  I needed to get better, and this time around the only way for me to do that was a drug intervention.  And for that option, I am truly thankful, because I can do what I need to do now. 

3) Exercise

(image from: http://www.thecolor.com/Category/Coloring/Sports.aspx)

My mom, over the years, has learned about both my brother and myself, that whatever it is about us, we are two individuals who NEED physical activity to like, survive.  My bro is a BMX biker (what a psycho - hahaha LOVE you, Bravo!) and if he hasn't gotten out for a while I swear it's like he gets the shakes.  He just HAS to ride.

Me? When I'm not exercising regularly, doing something I LOVE to do...I shut down.  I mean, I get chunky pretty quickly, which is a bummer, but my depressive tendencies? Yes, not exercising doesn't help. I can get pretty bad.  And getting OUT of that non-exercising funk is SO. INCREDIBLY. DIFFICULT. It's SO hard.

But right now? I'm totally out. I'm out.  I'm exercising regularly.  I'm exercising HARD.

I LOVE IT.

I try my darndest most weeks to give myself 3-4 sessions at the dojo for kickboxing. Just...for me. Because it feels awesome.  Because I'm a better me after I've done it.  I can just release all the crap and tension that I've let build up in me all day, and just..... aaaaaaahhhhhhh...... it's fabulous.  I'm SO much more myself after a bout of exercise than before.  It's the weirdest feeling, but immediately before I'm sluggish, I often have a difficult time talking myself into going, I tell myself that just this time staying home and watching tv is okay for me.  And you know what? Sometimes it is, and I do stay home.

But usually I go.  I NEED to go.  I get out of the house. I get away from our troubles.  My only focus when I'm kickboxing, running, playing soccer, is the SPORT.  It's the sport, my performance. Gritting my teeth and getting through the pain. Feeling super-human when I survive an 'F-U' day, or a full hour-and-a-half on the soccer field.

I have FUN.

When life's got you down, who doesn't need fun??

I'm SO thankful that sports are fun for me. That I can combine so many of my physical and mental needs into one fabulous experience and come out on top.  Even on the days when I can't remember which is jab, which is cross, or keep my rear leg from stepping in front of my lead.  I feel like a superstar.

4) School

(image from: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/209887/massage-therapy-1-hands.html)

This one's short! Promise!

But ohmigoodness, can I just tell you how AMAZING it is to know that (assuming I pass all my registration examinations and requirements - EEK!) I WILL NEVER BE IN THIS SITUATION AGAIN!! EVER! EVER EVER EVER!!  If Mr. Man gets another fabulous job that he love, that we live close to, that pays our bills and buys us food and clothing and all those things jobs are supposed to do....and he LOSES it?  PSHT! No big deal! I'LL be ABLE to work!  I'll be a skilled health-care PROFESSIONAL, with my own income to help the family.

I cannot tell you enough how insanely grateful I am for all the stars to have aligned to bring me this incredible opportunity.  The school for offering the accelerated program for kinesiologists, the incredible people who've made it possible for me to participate in the program - you KNOW who.  My friends and family for helping me, supporting me, yelling at me and knocking a wee bit of sense into my maniacal brain, encouraging me....  I wish the timing had been better and that Mr. Man's layoff had happened AFTER I had finished this course and was a viable help, but I think we needed to experience it this way to ensure we're going to be the best people we can become.

And that, is that.

5) People


I say quite often, I'm sad to admit, that people suck.  Day to day, that's my opinion. People suck. I don't generally care for people.  I find them annoying, nosy, intrusive, rude, insensitive, stupid...  I don't like people knowing my business, knowing me, slowing me down.

But lately I'VE been down.  I've been struggling with Mr. Man's struggling with unemployment.  I've watched him hurt, flounder, and get stuck.  And it's made it hard for me to be the awesome he needs me to be that my happy pills, shopping, schooling and exercising are pushing me towards.

So, I did something a little crazy.

I told some people.

I've told my parents - they're my go-to persons for just about everything. They're safe.  They're my home-away-from-home, because Mr. Man and Little Miss are my home now.  But my mommy is my sounding board.

I've told my in-laws.  I figure it's silly for them to be unaware of what's going on with my family because my family is part of their family, Mr. Man is their baby, and he has a mommy too who loves him like my mommy loves me.

And I've told some of the men at church.

You know what happened???

My parents mobilized - with smiles on their faces they've chatted with Mr. Man, drawn him out of his shell. Helped him set some short-term goals for job-hunting, current programming projects he's had.  Given him advice on HOW to present himself.  And taken him shopping. My mother and my husband. In the Gap buying khakis and collared shirts. Anything in the store professional-looking and interview worthy Mr. Man tried on.  Even my FATHER who HATES shopping offered his two cents on a blazer discussion.  And then took us out for dinner instead of letting me cook for them so we could save our food for ourselves.

My in-laws - My MIL phoned to offer her support and service as a conduit to our church's employment specialty team. An hour-long drive down to our house to pick him up for a meeting up near her house isn't a burden, but an opportunity for quality time with her son.  The whole family has come together to make family visiting easier on us and committed to come to OUR place more often so we don't have to worry about gas money. My SILs brainstorm ways we can work to increase our menial income RIGHT NOW while he's still in hunting mode and I'm still in school.  There are offers to take Little Miss for sleepovers and visits.  We are welcomed with open arms to mooch meals when we're in town, or invite ourselves over.

At church - I first wrote our bishop, not sure who exactly I should talk to about the problems we're experiencing at home.  I was immediately referred to his counsellors and the Elder's Quorum president (the, uh, 'extracurricular' church group Mr. Man is part of aside from our regular sacrament meetings - boys go to various priesthood quorum meetings, ladies go to Relief Society - it's very club-like hahaha), to make sure that neither my husband or my family fall through the cracks.  The next day the brand-spanking-new EQ president phoned to check in, offer his services, and arranged an in-home visit to do an even more thorough job in person.  We've been visited, ministered to, blessed, heard, and loved.

You know what?  "People" don't suck!  And I am SO grateful to be learning this now, when we need it so desperately.

And even though it doesn't look like this video will play on blogger... I thought of this song right away when coming to the realization that I'm thankful for people. :-)   Enjoy!