Hollywood, here I come!

Okay, FIRST off, I have to tell you this post is going to be a little bit off topic. Secondly, I'm NOT working out today. No way. Too woozy. And finally, have I ever told you about my bumps?? THEY'RE GONE......

I just ate a HUGE sandwich in an attempt to satiate my need for some sensory input other than the smell of burning flesh....

Let me back up a bit.

This morning, when I woke up, I had bumps. Yesterday, bumps. For as long as I can remember I've had bumps, though Mom says that they showed up sometime while I was in the wonderful pubertal stages of life. Not only did I start to notice boys but I also grew bumps with which to deter them. Huzzah, justice. One lovely person pointed out my largest nose-bump and said "wow, that's a big mosquito bite." Another pointed and asked if it was a zit. Those, though, are the only two times I can think of where the bumps were really an 'issue'.


Then, while pregnant with Little Miss, a new bump. A HUGE bump. A third-eyeball-sized-and-located bump. I LOATHED this bump. I poked it, I poked my eye with it, I tried, desperately, to POP it. Recently, about the bump, people have been asking, in shock and horror "what HAPPENED to you?!" They expect a dramatic and cool answer like I got in a fist fight, but all I can say is "hormones." I'm so tired of the bump explanation. World, the answer is hormones. Stop asking. Not that I MIND asking - I really don't mind 'rude' questions, I just really really mind the bump.


The nose bumps were never, as I said, really an issue for me. When I was younger Mom offered to arrange for me to get them off but I didn't really see the point. Surgery just to smooth some bumps?? Seriously?? No thanks. PLUS how many other people to you know with an awesome built-in-witch-mole for their hallowe'en costume?

The Third Eye? HATE HATE HATE it. It was in my peripheral vision, it could hold up Mr. Man if he leaned over to snuggle with me, it looked like a giant zit, or, apparently like swelling after a good fist to the face. It was big. When my dad finally learned of my dislike of the monstrosity he let me know how he felt about it - he jokingly went at it with a strap wrench. Last time I walked into his house he greeted Little Miss, and then looked at me, considering, and said "yeah, it's time to get that THING taken off..." hahaha I really doubt if you haven't seen it if the picture above does it justice, but there you go.

Because the Third Eye was big, growing, and new, I asked my doctor about it. She had a couple of not-so harmful theories - cyst, fat deposit, whatever - and referred me to a plastic surgeon. ME. Plastic surgery. UGH! I felt so VAIN!

Mom came down to go to my first appointment - we'd been lead to believe I'd have the thing off at that first visit after a greeting from the doc. Apparenty he was behind schedule, so it was a meet and greet, and Mom asked about my nose bumps, too. He checked me all over, said, no problem, and we scheduled my very first ever surgery of any kind. ELECTIVE, COSMETIC surgery. I half expected Britney to waltz through at any moment...

Well, today was the day. It's done. It's over. I am bumpless. I look like Frankenstein at the moment, blood and ooze and stitches all over my face, and feel, well......WEIRD.

(Our camera is missing, so this is from Mr. Man's blackberry - excuse the extra-grossness because it's not as fantastic a camera as our actual camera....)

It was surprisingly traumatic. Mr. Man came with me and was allowed to stay only for the most painful part as the good doc shoved needle after needle into my not-so-fat-full-cushion-free face - yeah, hurts A LOT more to get a needle in your nose than in your arm, just FYI. Then, when my nerves were JUST about out of control Mr. Man was booted out of the room and the good doc got to work. I was PETRIFIED. I'm one of those ones who watches HOUSE with my eyes closed the whole episode. Just the THOUGHT of taking something sharp to slice through my skin was making me FLIP. Seriously, my fear of labour and childbirth had nothing on my fear of this ridiculously small procedure. Definitely the most excruciatingly terrifying thing I've experienced, and I have not been free of new scary moments in life.

Pathetic, I know.

I was first off worried the freezing wouldn't numb everything. Boy was that silly! The only thing I felt was pressure, until the pressure became pulling - it felt like he was pulling as hard as he could while I struggled insanely to keep my poor unwilling eye crammed SHUT - I did not want to see ANY of what was going on! YANKED and YANKED, scraping sounds....sounds like kindergartners' scissors hacking at construction paper, all the while my poor eye fighting with all it's tiny-muscled strength to stay shut. Then it was done.

The NOSE bumps, though, now that was COOL! There was such immense relief when the third-eye came out and was stitched up, I watched the nose procedure! He literally burned them off with this like, metal hook thing - just scraped it back and forth until it was all nice and smooth. I had to blink a lot because burning flesh makes quite the amount of smoke - who knew? And it reeks - hence the dire need for a sandwich earlier. Thankfully the odor has died down, though we've ordered pizza for dinner to fill the house and my nostrils with the scent of something aside from the cauterized wounds on my nose.

And that's that. I'm bumpless!! In a few weeks my wounds will have all healed and I'll be as normal-looking as I'm going to get!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE people have plastic surgery 'regularly'. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER have anything akin to a face-lift, tummy-tuck, lipo - all those things all we women joke about getting that our famous friends do without batting an eyelash - NEVER. OH mi gosh.

But I am glad to be rid of my bumps. :)