Getting off my Arse?

Okay, well, I HAVEN'T exercised today, no.  Sorry. 

BUT...I DID dig my weight bench & paraphernalia out of the back CLOSET where it's been sitting for...ever?  And THAT took some SERIOUS cleaning and reorganizing of my basement.  Which isn't done.  And, apparently, never will be.... it's been an ongoing process since we moved in about 4.5 years ago.  Yeah, apparently it's just not meant to be usable space down there.  Which frustrates the heck out of me.  But that's another story all together.

I figured, though, I should check in.  I want to get back to this blog's original purpose - to keep me motivated, honest with myself, and keep track!!  So hopefully, if I don't forget (no promises) I'll hop on my Wii Fit later tonight and see just HOW bad the damage is after so many months of idleness aaaaand, I dunno.  We'll have the new starting point?  Sure.  Sounds good.

Well, on THAT note, I need to get back up off my giant rear and get back to cleaning this dumping zone we inhabit.  I wonder if I'll find the floor in the bedroom before going to bed tonight.  Huh.

Remember when....

Hey, it's me! 

Remember way back when in August I said I'd be back to blogging?

Remember when I used to use this blog to confess my I'm-a-kinesiologist-in-training-and-absolutely-know-better trespasses against my athletic physique?

Remember back in the spring, when I was practically SKINNY??

Remember when I qualified as a "runner"?

Remember when it didn't hurt to wear pants that don't belong to Mr. Man?

Remember when I used to fit a bra without that horrid my-boobs-are-too-big-for-this-but-I-apparently-like-to-look-like-a-hootchie-with-the-boob-bulge-over-this-line thing going on?  Because I had fantastically SMALL boobs????

Remember when I could do the 300 workout in under an hour, and found some definition under all my post-baby belly fat??

Remember when I used to love Yogilates??

Remember when I did the 30-day-challenge with some friends to test if we had any idea what we were talking about trying to help people with weightloss goals??

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have been itching to blog for...well, months, now.  But I've been WAY too embarrassed.  My CLOTHES do NOT fit, and I'm not even only talking about my fantastic, new-within-the-last-year-since-I-ACTUALLY-hit-the-impossible-Gap-8 clothes (which, by the way, are excruciatingly painful, if I can get them on at ALL...).  I saw my reflection the other day while cooking in my mom's kitchen for Thanksgiving - I'm HONESTLY starting to look like a fat girl - my thighs come so so soooooooo together WAY too early at what should be the top of my legs, but is really around my knees... it makes each movement look like one leg is going to have to go through the other in order to take a step forward.  I mean, I have giant, soccer-playing legs to begin with, but then there's all this...this.... GROSSSSSSSSSSSS around it and it's busting out of my pants.  And let's not even get INto my muffin top.  I mean, muffins?  PLEASE!  This is an entire CAKE busting out of not just the top of my pants (belt is like the cruelest word EVER right now - I fold over and cry in pain at the thought of attempting to cinch around this monstrosity).  And not only my pants, but my shirts, blouses....  If I'm not wearing a pair of my husband's baggy jeans and a sweatshirt I can guarantee you I am agonizingly uncomfortable, and super overly conscious of every jiggle, wiggle, waggle, and cellulite-loaded flapping-in-the-wind. 

I. Feel. Disgusting. 

My treadmill is STILL broken.  That thing has turned out to be the biggest joke on me, EVER.  And I KNOW the weather's actually PERFECT for running right now, because it's just cool enough without being biting, to keep a run a very comfortable affair.... but I'm so FAT and my running clothes, OBVIOUSLY are not MEANT to be worn by someone as chunky as me.  I feel like taking this thing out, dressed in THAT, is just cruelty to the world... and I can't seem to get myself past that mental hurdle and out on the street to go for a run.  I feel like I NEED my treadmill operational or I'm just going to keep expanding until I explode....which could be very soon because, SERIOUSLY, my clothes don't fit.  (Cautionary note: if you're hanging out with me any time soon, you MAY want to wear safety goggles to protect your eyes from sky-rocketing buttons flying from my overtaxed apparel...)

Please please, don't post that I'm silly, that I look great, and you don't know what I'm talking about.  YOU'RE silly if you can't see the difference between now and back when school ended and I was on top of things.  School ended, my routine got off, and it's just never gotten back on.  I'm NOT crazy.  I may slightly overstate the problem, but it is a problem.  When your mother will (grudgingly - she's still my mom! I'm always gorgeous to her) admit to you that your weight is ballooning you KNOW there's a problem. 
I can tell every morning when I open my drawers that there's a problem....

Though I know that I haven't been pregnant I was kinda' hoping that maybe by NOW I'd be pregnant and I could kind of excuse myself my holy-super-fatty transgressions and aim for slower-weight-gain pregnancy this time around.  BUT, of course, as in keeping with the year, I am NOT.  Big surprise there. 

So... I can keep wallowing in my expand-a-butt glory...which has honestly been going on for months.  And, really, may continue.  Or I can do something about it.  I hope I do something about it - I'm tired of feeling like this.  My brother's perfectly petite, dwarf-of-a-girlfriend came for Thanksgiving, ate reasonable amounts of food, and after her ONE splurge the entire weekend says "oh, I workout."  Well, congratulations, and hooray for you.  Even when I HAVE a really long, good go of on-the-wagon working out, I NEVER have and never WILL have the obvious success YOU have, so please, yes, rub that in my chipmunk-cheeked face again. 

You know what else is just ironic about the whole thing??  I'm currently growing my hair out.  hahaha  Okay, so I know I'm the only person on the planet who would ever find that funny, but last time I cut it short, before I got pregnant and had Little Miss, I always said I'd never ever grow it out long again unless I lost a tonne of weight and actually hit size 8.  Which I NEVER thought would be possible.  But I just think I look so extra CHUNKY with long hair, and I should keep it shorter unless my face was thin enough to pull it off....  Anyway, so I LOSE all the weight, do that silly play (remember when I was in a play?) and then decide life will be easier if my hair is longer NEXT year when we do the play again..... so I'm growing my hair out.  And I'm probably the fattest I've been in the last three years, barring immediately after giving birth.

Mom thinks my waist size is directly linked to my happiness level. 

I just think I need to figure out this stupid food problem.  I hate food. 

I need some popcorn.

Summer Lovin'

Alright.  So you have to admit, that even in the heat of the moment when I was as ill, exhausted, and ticked off as i was that I KNEW I'd be back.  I mean, the title of the last thing I wrote WAS "The Blog's End............at least for now." 

Anyway, after I flipped my lid, which I absolutely did, and re-read through everything I though, huh, maybe a TEENY bit of an overreaction?  hahaha  But I DO plead the I-was-ill-and-sleepy-and-couldn't-sleep-torqued-up, so for the sake of my falling asleep it had to be done. ;)

THAT said, even with this absolutely nothing going on or to write about, I'm back.  (Oh, please, you can all stop your cheering.  No, seriously, stop.  Thanks, but....  No really.  Stop.) O:-)

It's been a good summer!  Little Miss and I keep busy chillaxing with our neighbourhood friends (yeah, she still goes to daycare just about every day, except now her mommy goes with her!  HA!) some days in the backyard, some at one of the city's wading pools (those are GREAT!  Little Miss can run around the whole thing and the deepest section comes up to her chin!  Deep enough for us grownups to get wet and cool off but shallow enough to not kill the children (when supervised properly, of course).  It's GREAT.

Currently Little Miss and I are hanging out at a cottage my parents rented for the bunch of us for a couple weeks up by the beach.  We're on day two of our vacation and just having a blast.  One of my darling dearest best pals and her sister (who I also love) were already up here so came yesterday (the lazy bums are still sleeping - psht!) to hang with us.  Anyway, the long and short of it is that we're having a blast.  The waves on the lake yesterday were absolutely insane - I don't recall ever seeing them so huge!  QUITE the undercurrent, which, when we stayed in the shallower-ish water (instead of traipsing out until both the water and waves were crashing over our heads and we were sputtering for air... eh, B? hahaha) was an ABSOLUTE BLAST!  

And, in addition to my love and business for scrapbooking I've fallen head-over-heels in love with jewelry making!  I know, right?  All these very-ME-ish rough n' tumble activities of mine.... oy!  I LOVE making jewelry, and have way too much soooooo I'm dragging a couple friends of mine with me into business selling it, so I can make more and more and more! hahaha (You can check us out on Facebook - Mr. Man has been researching website options for me but in the meantime our Facebook page will be it! hahaha)  So I'm sitting up at the cottage with my beads and my paper crafting and feeling like one of the biggest nerds ever and absolutely LOVING it. 

Anything else I can bore you with??  Oh yes.  I need to update you on my expanding girth, UGH, but I'll save that for another day.

Little Miss is awake!  Gotta go! 

The blog's end. (For now, at least).

I haven't been blogging, anywhere, at all, lately.  I would love to be, but there are so many things I would love to be doing and they're not getting done either soooo... MEH. 

Initially the blog started to help me with my health goals, and keeping myself responsible to the void that is the internet universe instead of just my inner daemons about my exercise habits.  And while that's currently a constant struggle since school's end with either Little Miss or my near constant state of illness, I have, obviously, ceased using this for that purpose. 

I'm once again ill, surprise surprise, and while I lay in bed tonight longing for the fatigue that will lead to sleep and help bolster what's left of my shoddy immune system, I find I cannot shut the last anonymous comment I got on my blog out of my head.

I have been accused of many things and of being many things.  But when I'm attacked by commentators too chicken to put a face to their criticisms I have a hard time letting it go.  Does sitting safely behind your screen typing insults at people make YOU feel better?  I certainly hope so and suggest you man-up and sign your name. 

I've been accused of being selfish, stubborn, and rude.  I'm FULLY aware of my grade A bitch streak.  I whine more than my 2 year old.  I am about as far away from negligent of my many, many flaws as one can get.  So come here, where I take slight pleasure from sharing scholastic information, posting family pictures, suggesting tips and techniques to make your exercise more useful and letting out VERY carefully edited and cautious rants on occasion and JUDGE me?  Whatever.  Tonight, I DO care, and that's a deal breaker for me.  I'm done with this.  Maybe if I ever get better from being sick I'll see fit to post again, but for now, you critical anonymous authors (don't worry, last-anon-commenter, though you were the straw you have certainly not been the first, though if I had an opportunity right now I'd love to take your holier-than-thou assumptions about me and, well, I'm sure you can dream up some BITTER end to that thought) have ruined this.

Maybe now that I've said my piece my brain will shut off and I'll be able to sleep.  

Why I'm NOT pregnant.

Okay, so this is one of those hot-under-the-collar topics that really has nothing to do with anything.  hahaha  It just drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS, and so OBVIOUSLY needed to be written about. 

But people, I do not care WHO THE HECK you are, you do NOT get to have an opinion as to whether or not it is time for Mr. Man and I to have another baby.  NO ONE gets to decide that, and for FLIP sake none of you are even allowed an OPINION, okay??  GEEEEEEEEEEEzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeee.........!!!!!!!!! 

I swear I can't go a day without being asked by someone when we're having another baby, or worse, TOLD it's TIME.  Really?  REALLY?  You think it's time?  REALLY?  Do you??  Huh, that's interesting.  Would YOU like to be in my family and a part of this marriage?  Because THEN you can have an opinion.  And, oh WAIT!  I'm pretty sure even THEN it's not 100% up to Mr. Man and I but hugely to do with whether or not the Lord thinks it's time, too - if it had been up to me do you really think I would have chosen 9 months of discomfort followed by squeezing a human being out of you-know-where to get Little Miss??  ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY NOT. 

What is it about EVERYONE that makes them the expert?  Or that entitles practical STRANGERS to xeroxed copies of my life's plan??  WHY does small-talk at church with EVERYONE ALWAYS go from what-are-you-doing-now-that-school's-over (with some you-evil-career-pursuing-sinner, oh-what-wait-you-want-to-stay-at-home-with-your-offspring? Wasn't-school-a-waste-of-time-then? You-must-be-the-dumbest-person-on-Earth [yeeeeeeaaaahhhh.... I have that conversation A LOT]) to when-are-you-having-another-baby??

I ABSOLUTELY understand when my FRIENDS ask.  When I look at my friends and wonder about their plans, desires, or possibly lack-of-success trying to procreate YES I will ask.  But ohmigosh, if I've EVER asked you or teased you about expanding your brood consider yourself one of my absolutely most adored persons EVER because it is just WAY WAY too personal a topic to broach with ANYONE else. 

Why do we think it's okay to ask strangers about it??  I have one friend who was married for 8 years in which she had at LEAST that number of miscarriages becoming increasingly devastated with every failed pregnancy only to be reminded and looked down on every week she went baby-less to church.  What the hell IS that??  "When are you going to start having kids, do you think?"  Good grief, what if she'd miscarried YESTERDAY when you asked her that question.  Is her agony really worth your filling the air with gut-wrenching "small-talk" so you're up on the latest gossip?

I've lately taken to just discontinuing conversation with ignoramuses who ask if, or tell me it's time for another bun in the oven.  OR I'll spill the gory details of why I'm not.  And frankly, I'm tired of repeating it day in and day out. 

No.  I am NOT pregnant.  Little Miss will be at least well over 3 years old before she becomes a big sister, and who knows how much older.

No, I would NOT love to be pregnant.  It's uncomfortable, tiring, vomit-inducing, and I have a ridiculously active 2.5 year old to keep up with.  I figure that attitude comes from not having loved being pregnant the first time around, but I do absolutely recognize it is a means to a WONDERFUL end, and yes, do absolutely hope to get pregnant again in my future, at least one more time. 

Mr. Man and I had been hoping to get pregnant by Jan/Feb of this year.  Which is ridiculously difficult to do during your last insane semester of an undergraduate degree with a husband commuting 3 hours a day.  I know, I've tried.  AND since I've been suffering from amenorrhea since February, I don't imagine I'm going to GET pregnant in the near future, until that sorts itself out, at least. 

So, with our stated desire to get pregnant and the apparent cessation of my menstrual cycle, including the oh-so-important ovulation, it seems quite obvious to ME that NOW is NOT the time, despite what you may think.  Pretty sure that Mr. Man and I decided, were overruled, and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 

And you know what?  I'm fine with that.  I was disappointed to keep peeing on sticks and getting one instead of two lines, sure.  But it's not going to happen now, so what's the point in getting all bent out of shape about it??  Except for our air conditioner failing to respond to the flicking of the ON switch, I have had a glorious two weeks staycation.  Little Miss and I are absolutely loving finding our groove and figuring out how the heck the whole mommy's-home-all-the-time-now thing works (no, she is not emotionally ruined or scarred for life, thank you, my critics, for THAT vote of confidence.)  And when we've found our groove, if my cycle hasn't regulated with the reduced stress and new-found level of NORMALCY in my life then YES I WILL get to the doctor (please for goodness' sake do not leave a comment telling me to go to the doctor.  I WILL.  It's NORMAL for me to have amenorrhea-ic episodes - I went all last summer with no period.  And no, I am NOT anorexic.  I just wrote a paper on that, and got an A+, so that should tell you I learned a little bit of SOMETHING about it - seriously, the things I've been asked or accused of the last few weeks astound me).  When Mr. Man, myself, and the Lord are all in agreement that it's time for baby number two I'm SURE it will happen.  Maybe it will be tomorrow, maybe it will be another 3 years from now.  Maybe we're done having kids and going to adopt.  WE don't know, so why should you?

So THAT is WAY too much information about THAT, and if any of you ask me in the future I reserve the right to smack you up the side of your head.

And when you DO ask someone, PLEASE for the love of anything and everything, be TACTFUL, and maybe reserve that question for someone who WANTS to tell YOU what's going on, and not just as it's-my-Christian-duty-to-check-on-your-obedience-to-Mormon-doctrine-as-a-concerned-Relief-Society-sister-who's-never-spoken-to-you-before-in-my-life. 

I'm sitting on a really uncomfortable non-chair, and I can't imagine having anything constructive to add, so now you know. 

Trying to find my head

Well, it's over.  It has been for a bit, now, actually.  Well, a week, I guess.  hahaha  I e-mailed the final copy of the paper to my prof. last Friday morning.  Crazy. 

Then Friday night through Saturday I went to a women's conference (Time Out For Women) in Toronto with my mom.  Then when that was over my mom and I rushed out so that Mr. Man and I could go to Mi's wedding (CONGRATULATIONS, MI!  LOVE you, girl!).  THEN it was Mother's Day, which is a story in itself - lots of tears and a happy ending!  hahaha  THEN this week....I've kind of just....died. 

It's like my head just turned off and I haven't been able to totally turn it back on yet.  I still have OODLES to do and get done..... but I've shut down. 

Which, as it's been a whopping week, I'm not too worried about.  I'm sort of relishing in this new-found I-have-no-schoolwork state of being.  It's WEIRD.  I can sit and read a (super cheesy) Nicholas Sparks novel in a day (at least this one I could tell who was going to die within the first couple of chapters, and it WASN'T one of the love-interests!  HOORAY!  I find his tragedies so......ugh.  Tragic.  hahaha) without feeling GUILTY for not studying something or reading a text book... siiiiiiiiiiiigh

It's WONDERFUL.

Anyway, I'm also trying to not really dive into anything too quickly, because, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little bit insane.  So we're trying to make sure I/we take like, a month, to just get USED to life.  I don't remember - did I tell you about Mr. Man getting a new job that's literally within walking distance from our house?  So....we just gained back his 3-hours commuting each day....and he's been some days coming home for lunch, even.  So yeah.  A WHOLE whack of whoa....what happened to our life?  We're trying to figure out the whole oh-yeah-we're-MARRIED-not-roommates thing. hahaha  It's weird to suddenly have time together....

So yeah.  I have different options available and different things presenting, but for NOW I'm going to try my hand at jack squat!  See how I do.  Honestly, I need some time.  Oh, and to clean my house....that's going to be quite the job.  I can't wait.  hahaha This is going to be a spring clean like you've never seen!


But right NOW?


I'm packing for an over-nighter scrapbooking event with my mom and some of the gals.  My gal Spo is picking me up this afternoon, then we're driving an hour to pick up Mom, then we're off another hour north to the Inn.  We're going to get there early, unpack our clothes, go SWIMMING (I'm going to relax in a POOL today!!!) and then go paper craft until the cows come home.  I'm SOOOOOOOOO excited.  I get such a kick out of creating these things.  I got started a little early and made a card with a friend last night.... bring it on. 


So this has turned into a long rambler with no direction.  I've been asked a few times lately when I'm going to update the blog, so wanted to write SOMETHING so you'd at least know where I'm hiding out.  I have every intention of re-becoming a half-decent blogger, but it's one of those things I'm letting slide at the moment during the figure-myself-the-freak-out time! hahaha  My APOLOGIES, but there it is.


Okay, and on THAT less-than-riveting note, I'm signing off!

Almost over. For real this time.

image from http://blog.runalong.se/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/finishline.jpg

So, I probably should have posted something, but a while ago I decided to put a moratorium on blogging until I finished writing my paper.  A few times since I've logged into my blogger dashboard and clicked on "new post" and then remembered OH yeah.... creative juices are to be saved for the time being.... which is maybe silly because blogging can, at times, be such a fantastic outlet for me, and writing this thing.... oy.  But I think it was a good thing.  Sitting here now writing this dribble feels like a REWARD and isn't accompanied by the sometimes sheepish feeling I get when I'm blogging instead of doing my homework. 

Draft 1 of the paper..... IS FINISHED.  I can't BELIEVE how amazing it feels.  I'm not even DONE DONE done yet - still have to e-mail it to my prof, who will read it and give feedback, and then I'll have until next Friday for revisions - but the huge project is finished.  It's done.  I can actually see the finish line.  I can take tomorrow to spend with my family and not feel a moment's guilt for not opening a text book or reading a scientific article.  

On the other hand, I have SO much information rattling around in my brain about eating disorders and possible familial risk factors I'm a little useless in...just about everything.  hahaha  I was on the phone a couple of hours ago with just a great gal I work with in Yoli who has this great strategy for our marketing campaigns and I could barely get out "uh, duh, yup - sounds good.  Um, okay."  hahaha it was BRUTAL. 

So when my head's back on straight and reconnected with LIFE I'll write and fill you in on some of the super exciting things that have been going on in our house lately, my training progress, my complete and absolute FAILURE in some things (oh holy cow am I ever a stress eater.  And I'm DANG GOOD at hiding it from people.  I'm so glad I have HERE to come and confess my wrongdoings, geeeeeeeeeeze.  Keeps me accountable, and lets me get it out there.  

Anyway, while I'm coasting on boring-old auto-pilot I wanted to send you over to a few of my favourite blogs; some are older and well-established, and some not so much.  

First: Reflections of a Recovering Food Addict.  I ADORE this blog.  I know, I know.  It's only 4 posts in, but what she lacks in longevity she makes up for in honesty. When you get to her page scroll down and read from the beginning so you can take the whole journey with her.  I LOVE it.  Leave her a comment, follow her blog, whatever you can do to give her the support she needs and help keep her on track.  This gal is incredible and I love her to bits!! 

Second: Healthy Families. This blog's done by a recent acquaintance of mine who is an absolute peach.  While I don't agree with EVERYTHING she posts (there's at least one post mentioning a magic way to reduce cellulite - I hate to break it to you guys, but "cellulite" is totally made up - it's JUST FAT.  Adipose tissue is lumpy and dimply, and when it's subcutaneous like we find around the tops of our thunder thighs it looks gasp lumpy and dimply.  Rubbing cream on it or using a brush on it isn't going to make it go away.  Eating right and exercising will help, but almost everyone has at least a little bit SOMEwhere - sorry, was that a tangent??) I absolutely ADORE what she's doing.  She just LOVES health and being healthy, and decided to blog about it to maybe help someone else love it as much as she does.  I don't even think she has AdSense on her blog, so she's not getting ANYTHING out of it except satisfaction of writing awesome health-tip posts.  Read her, follow her, and love what she has to offer. 

Third: Run Faster, Mommy! I found this blog listed on someone else's - this gal definitely does not know I exist, but I love reading her posts.  She's much more hardcore into running than I am, but has TWO bambinos, a husband, and is working on HER undergraduate degree in exercise science, I think.  I love her descriptions of races, her rationale for running, reading about her reaching personal bests, having horrible training days, and everything else.  I think I just relate to her so much I find her a great read.  

And that is that for now.  Little Miss needs cuddling, and I could use some myself.  

I can't believe I really really am almost done school.  Wow.

Coming up...

This week:

Monday:
8am group presentation on case study. (Finished powerpoint this afternoon during first session of General Conference - huzzah multitasking).

Wednesday:
Written portion of "practical" exam for athletic therapy class. (Studying not started)
Submit part 2 of independent study paper. (Part 2 not started)

Thursday:
Practical exam for athletic therapy class (as long as I pull "ankle taping" from the pile I'm good to go. Yeah...studying not started).

Friday:
HUGE deadline for awesome, amazing, I'm-so-excited-it's-killing-me project for Yoli (information forthcoming). Deadline USED to be Tuesday but got pushed due to rushing. (....BARELY started this...technical stuff involved so could be super quick and easy or, with my luck, will take the entire week all on its own).

Friday night?
TOTALLY VEGETATING.

Running 5K with my dad.

So it's Easter weekend. Which, at least last year, was a total write-off. I'm pretty sure I didn't even attend any Easter dinners really last year, even though I was at my parents' house for the weekend, but I was holed up in a room by myself studying and doing homework. I was so so so frantic with schoolwork last year at Easter I even sent poor Mr. Man and Little Miss off to my in-laws BY THEMSELVES.

I know. I'm a horrible person.

Maybe this school-is-life approach should have been in full force today, but I will admit: I definitely took a "vacation day."

On this vacation day my dear, darling dad had expressed interest in joining me for a 5K run. Now, my dad is not (currently) a runner, though he's been tossing the idea around for over a year now if memory serves correctly. He seems to like the IDEA of running, but just hasn't got into it yet, I guess.

My dad is also 62.

And HILARIOUS. Which has nothing to do, really, with my story today, but it needs to be said. My dad is usually said to be one of the funniest people that anyone who knows him knows. (hahaha follow that?)

So, my 62-year-old non-runner dad, after some rather lengthy discussion about diet and exercise and increasing activity levels decides to run 5 kilometres.

Which, really, I REALLY think he could have done. OBVIOUSLY we would have taken our (very sweet, sweet SLOOOOOOOOW) time to make sure he didn't have a heart attack or injure himself in some way, and gosh darn it, the first time I ran 5K that's exactly what I did. I just did it. I wanted to see if I could and so I did. (It took me 38 minutes. hahaha W.O.W.)

My mother is ALSO hilarious, but for different reasons. She's just adorable, which the horribly cynical, sick, and twisted members of the family (like...all the rest of us?) find quite amusing. Anyway, Mom was CONVINCED that Dad was NOT going to make it back alive if he tried to run 5K with me today. Which I have to admit I took a LITTLE bit personally - I mean, I'm going to SCHOOL for this stuff - I'm not an IDIOT! I know all about progression and injury prevention and blah blah blah - I was NOT going to push him hard, just move him far, you know?? And I was going to MAKE him walk up the hills 'cause while he thinks it's nothing I KNOW they're hard.

Anyway, Mom thought Dad was going to die, and made me take one of our cell phones. Which, I'm sure you can imagine, just looked and felt RIDICULOUS bouncing around in one of the useless pockets in my running shorts. I had to tie the drawstring like, EXTRA tight so I didn't feel, whether in reality or not, like my shorts were falling down!

So Dad and I head out the front door. And he says, okay, let's go! AAaaand I said...NO WAY! We have to warm up (and by WE I mean specifically YOU, Mr!) So I made him walk for a few minutes. We walked to the end of the street - not the longest warm up but not TOO too short, and he was chomping at the bit to get going....

We're sauntering along the road chatting and laughing at how silly Mom is and how awkward and huge the cell phone felt in my pocket.... we talked about some rude kids not saying "please" when yelling to their mother for something from inside the house.

We got to the end of the road, and I suggested we cross to the other side where we would then start our run. We cross the road. All is well. Beautiful, sunny day, HOT (I think it feels way hotter today than it is because it was winter like, last week? Why were the neighbour kids in bathing suits playing in a sprinkler today?? It DID get to 77 degrees on the inside thermostat - I was DYING) PERFECT day and weather for a good run.

I suggested to Dad that since he's the beginner (not that I'm anything to brag about with this sport, please!) he set the pace. And so he takes a few strides.

And then he teeters.

And he starts laughing.

And I SWEAR it was in slow motion, and yet all of a sudden he was curled up in a ball on the ground.

WHAT the heck just happened??

And WHY the heck am I LAUGHING???

My dad FELL DOWN! SERIOUSLY, like, FIVE STEPS INTO THE RUN!!

Ohmigoodness, if I hadn't been laughing so hard I might have been seriously concerned, but I thought he'd just tripped and he'd get up, brush off, and away we'd go!

So he got up, didn't brush off, turned to find the evil culprit that had tried to take his life (darn ROCK! And honestly it WAS a big one, I PROMISE!) tried to walk to it and REALLY limped. Like, a LOT!

Dad? Are you OKAY??

Honestly, I don't even remember his answer, but I DO remember that I didn't know WHAT to do.

We're thirty seconds from the house - do I call for someone to bring the car? Do I just give him my shoulder to lean on and we'll hobble back up the road?

All the while killing myself laughing.

As he was, too, between winces of pain.

I offered to help, asked repeatedly if he was okay, and eventually we had made our way, slowly, back to the house. Where I of COURSE burst through the door in GALES of laugher, walked into the kitchen where the food preparation for dinner was happening, and tried to explain what had happened.

Only to be followed in by my dad, lots of blood, and the rock that made it all happen.

Seriously, TOO funny. My POOR dad!!

He sat down and took off his shoes and socks. And his one ankle was definitely looking swollen.

Thank goodness I'm in an athletic therapy class right now and the ONE THING I feel I've learned really well in it this semester is how to tape an ankle. :) So we checked his ankle compared to the other, checked for fractures or breaks, checked to make sure he'd inverted it (like, stepped down on the "outside" of the foot)....and we're like 100% sure he's actually sprained his ankle.

As the day wore on the pain grew worse. I sat him with his leg up and lots of ice.... and when he was feeling the need to be more mobile I taped him up (I'm an AWESOME ankle taper! Need something else done...maybe get someone else! hahaha But ANKLES I'm your gal!)

Anyway, long and short of it is that my dad is currently out of commission. He's going to try to see someone about it tomorrow to make sure I'm not missing any busted bones or anything, and to get working on rehab as quickly as possible so he doesn't lose any range of motion in it, but he's DEFINITELY not allowed to come running with me again for a few months, at least.

(I ended up running 5K on the treadmill downstairs while he watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - you know, the gross one that makes me queasy all the time with all the bugs and voodoo.... ick! But MMMMmmmmmmmm........Harrison Ford....)

Sorry, Dad. Better luck next time. :)

No time to write...

...because I've been busy WRITING! hahaha

Have I mentioned that for one of my three final classes (HOORAY!) this semester I'm doing an independent study? So, it's me, a professor, and whatever the heck I want to study.

I'm super excited about it. I've spent the semester so far reading anything and everything I can get my hands on about eating disorders. I've learned SO much. Like, have you ever heard of EDNOS or binge eating disorder? I know, right? What? And did you know you can't be both anorexic and bulimic at the same time but you can SWITCH BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN ILLNESSES! AND that anorexia has the highest mortality rate for a psychiatric illness - 10% of those diagnosed will die within 10 years of first presentation either from starvation or suicide.

Seriously, this is intense stuff.

Anyway, I've spent WAY too much time today writing a whopping THREE PAGES (double spaced, no less, hahaha!) introduction for my paper on the family dynamic and it's correlation to development, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders.

And prior to today I've been busy collecting, sorting thoughts, etc. etc. Oh yes, and acting/singing in a play (which I have to write about, I know, I know), trying to find my house under all the mess, keeping up with business (boy do WE have exciting things going on THERE!) and OH yes, the two-and-a-half year old who lives in the house.... what? I have a husband? DARN IT! I KNEW I dropped a ball SOMEwhere!

So I wanted to SHARE with you some of the spoils of my labours thus far... this will be TWEAKED before the full paper is submitted at the beginning of May, but I wanted to post what I have so far.

Read it, love it, and HOLY COW keep coming back because I'll be working on it all month long! :D

In today's North American society there is perceived a huge pressure for individual persons to constantly portray their best selves to the world. This best self encompasses many ideas including attitude, temperament, humour, and most easily and immediately presented, appearance. Unfortunately human nature appears to have many using the means of inter-individual comparison to define their best selves in these manifold aspects of life. Persons of all ages compare themselves to their neighbours, friends, co-workers, famous personalities, and family members. Social ideals for appearance have shifted from full figures, indicating nourishment and affluence, to a preference for “a slender, long-legged, and flat-chested look” (Dumas & Nilsen, 2003, p. 312) leaving persons with larger stature ever envious of their surrounding leaner counterparts, embarrassed that they too do not fit the perfect, slender mold.
“This preoccupation with slimness has continued to increase in recent decades. By the 1990s, middle-class European American girls described the 'ideal' body size as 5'7” tall and 110 pounds. Today, the average weight of fashion models – who are seen by many as standards of American beauty – is lower than the weight of over 95% of women!” (Dumas & Nilsen, p. 313).

Interestingly, over the twentieth century as the aesthetic ideal for female appearance has shifted to thinness the occurrence of eating disorders has dramatically increased (Dumas & Nilsen, 2003, p. 311). This is not to say that the increasingly prevalent ideal of thinness as a cultural norm is the only or even main catalyst causing eating disorders; some “non-Western cultures indicate...patients voluntarily reach an emaciated weight for a variety of psychological reasons” outside of body image disturbances (Cash & Pruzinsky, 2002, p 300). Even with these cultural differences it is near impossible to ignore the apparent dramatic correlation between socially driven thin ideals and the increasing development of eating disordered behaviours associated with body dissatisfaction in local society.
The National Institute of Mental Health (2009) defines an eating disorder as:
“...serious disturbances in eating behaviour, usually in the form of extreme and unhealthy reduction of food intake or severe overeating. They are not due to a failure of will; rather, they are real and treatable medical illnesses in which certain patterns of behaviour get out of control.”

Usually it is expected to see these disorders develop in adolescence and/or early adulthood, but with severe cases documented in patients as young as four (Bar-Or & Rowland, 2004 p.__) it is imperative to understand not only the disease but any potential underlying issues causing it that may be used for prevention in future susceptible cases.
Eating disorders are generally categorized under three headings: anorexia nervosa (AN), bulimia nervosa (BN), and eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS). While eating disorders are not bound by sex they are found to be much more prevalent in females: it is approximated that only 5% to 15% of AN or BN patients are male (NIMH, 2009). And while AN and BN are believed to afflict a seemingly small percentage of the female population in Western culture, approximately 1% and 1.5% respectively (National Eating Disorder Information Centre, 2008), these percentages translate to 170,074 Canadian women with AN and 255,111 Canadian women struggling with BN during their lives. Both disorders together give an astounding 425,185 Canadian women fighting a life-threatening disease largely characterized by incredibly strong negative body image (numbers calculated based on estimate of approximately 17 million female Canadians in 2009 by Statistics Canada).
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) diagnostic criteria for AN and BN as reported by Dumas and Nilsen (2003) are listed as follows:
Anorexia Nervosa
Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height.
Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
Disturbance in the way in which one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
In postmenarcheal females, amenorrhea, i.e. the absence of at least three consecutive menstral cycles.
Bulimia Nervosa
Recurrent episodes of binge eating
recurrent inappropriate compensatory behaviour in order to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting; misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications; fasting; or excessive exercise.
The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behaviour both occur, on average, at least twice a week for 3 months.
Self-evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of AN.

Both AN and BN are severely detrimental to one's overall well-being, causing manifold problems for patients of either disease, including, but not limited to: irregular heart rhythm, heart disease, osteoporosis, anemia, constipation and bloating, brain and nerve damage, seizures, tooth decay, dehydration, and kidney failure (Katz Group Canada Inc., 2006; National Institute of Mental Health, 2009). Both illnesses if left untreated are life threatening and do result in death. AN also has “the highest mortality rate for any psychiatric illness – it is estimated that 10% of individuals with AN will die within 10 years of the onset of the disorder” (National Eating Disorder Information Centre, 2008) either from starvation or suicide (Shaffer et al., 2002, p 175).
Eating disorders have been shown to stem from a multitude of causes, a fact which appears to hamper the effective treatment and prevention of these insidious diseases in current and potential patients. Available literature on the subject of causation appears to unanimously cite genetic predisposition as a factor, with research of family histories of eating disorder presentation from mothers to daughters and/or twins upholding this theory. Although it is accepted that genetics play a huge role in determining one's susceptibility to eating disorders le Grange et al. (2010) state that “the idea that genes alone account for the development of eating disorders seems implausible.” Cases such as that previously mentioned, with patients presenting AN pathologies as young as four years of age lead to questions about environment and social settings of these children. Many studies have been done investigating the incredibly complicated dynamic of family and its potential role in aiding either in the development or prevention of disordered eating behaviours, and while it seems impossible that family be the main catalyst for AN and BN (le Grange et al.) it is also impossible to ignore the tremendous influence that parents, siblings, and other family members have on a child's developmental psychology and social understandings.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and take your vitamins!"

PLEASE do not let me offend anyone here - this is NOT my intention! Just HAVING been sick the last week and a half and having so much WONDERFUL advice by WONDERFUL people trying to help me get better has maybe left me a little sensitive to the topic? AND I just noticed something on facebook and HAD to comment on it! hahaha

But WHAT THE HECK is it about us that makes us HAVE to fix something if it's broken? But really, that's not even TRUE! HOW LONG does it take you to get around to changing that burnt out light bulb, tightening that screw, rotating your tires or goodness...any NUMBER of things that need to be fixed? And then as soon as it's a PERSON who's broken....

EVERYONE IS AN EXPERT!

And that person MUST BE FIXED IMMEDIATELY.

So there's been a LOT of back and forth over Facebook this week so far about me being sick and how so many others in the cast are coming down with various ailments (I REFUSE to take credit for ALL of them - they canNOT possibly ALL have stemmed from MY sniffles!). And it's been HILARIOUS - these people are absolutely fantastic and I LOVE that I've had this amazing chance to not only meet but get to know so many of them! What a treat!!

So we're posting back and forth and inside out and backwards and all this lovely stuff and listing off everyone who's sick. And my one fantastic, new pal posts a LIST of everyone she knows who's sick in the cast.

And gets this comment:

"just like a virus - extra Vitamin C, liquids and rest"

Dear woman who posted this response:

DUHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I mean COME on, REALLY? REEALLY?? Do people REALLY think that I (or anyone else) REALLY don't know how to take care of a cold? Do you think that a prescription of liquids, rest, and overdosing on vitamin C is a NOVEL idea?? I mean, come on!! We've all been downing extra orange juice (and now YOLI! hahaha), taking chewable orange-flavoured vitamin C tablets, and getting as much extra rest as possible since we were all KIDS following our mothers' how-to-eradicate-a-cold regimen.

And I don't know about everyone else, but it sure as heck doesn't make any difference for me! I'm going to be sick for as long as I'm going to be sick for, and I'm sick often enough to know that this is true! It doesn't matter if I overdose on vitamin C, drink Niagara Falls, or sleep all day. Doesn't matter if I'm downing Buckley's or sucking on Halls. It doesn't matter if I start taking echinacea before, after, or during my symptoms, standing on my head, or hanging out the window. Oil of oreganol does nothing but make me want to gag and sting my sore throat a little going down. Ginger tea is soothing on its way down, but THAT'S IT! When I'm sick I'm sick and I'm sick so there's nothing to be done about it. Doesn't matter if the good ol' doc swabs my throat and puts me on some pricey medication, or if I get a chiropractic adjustment to stimulate my immune system, or I dance the hokey pokey and turn myself about. My cold's going to last as long as my cold's going to last.

SOMETIMES I'll get a new suggestion, like I didn't know you can take ColdFX once your cold has already HIT (though I need to do some research and find out what the heck is IN that stuff before I decide if I'm going to try it next time around) and have learned you can take it while you're sick and for some people it helps clear it up faster. I'll be GOBSMACKED if it makes a difference in me but there ya' go.

So WHY oh WHY do we all ALWAYS offer this ridiculous, everyone-already-knows-it, USELESS advice?? I'm SURE I do it, too!! "Oh, you have H1N1? Dance a jig while singing a sea-chantey and it'll clear up A-Okay just as quick as can be!"

My FAVOURITE, though, was at the dress rehearsal, where I didn't participate, I just sat in the back, feeling like death, and watched. There was a friend I don't see all the time at the rehearsal to take some pictures and I went to say hello, keeping my distance just in case I was contagious, and another woman upon overhearing my ridiculously weakened "hello" said, "Oh! You have strep throat! Have you been to the doctor? That sounds like strep throat." Like there was NO question.

Ohmigosh, seriously? And where's YOUR medical degree? From the university of voodoo witch-doctor hearing diagnoses? PLEASE!

PLEASE, again, I hope not to have offended anyone - I REALLY REALLY do appreciate the care and concern - I just think I'm a bit hypersensitive to it at the moment being so engrossed in it and I got to thinking about...what the heck is it about us and our society that makes us DO that? hahaha And SOME of it really is that ridiculous. hahaha

When you get sick be on the watch for my "drink plenty of fluids, get lots of rest, and drink some Yoli!" suggestions! ;) I'm sure they're forthcoming!

Where's the Romance?

Today the Jedi and I got in an argument. WHICH is absolutely normal for us - our very strange friendship THRIVES on arguing. Goodness, if we didn't argue...what would we do? hahaha We argue about EVERYTHING!

Anyway, today's argument was about romance. I don't even remember how it started - Jedi! How the heck did we get ON this discussion? OH, I remember! And I won't tell you the details but we were talking about using poetry as a romantic tool.

The Jedi thinks it's a great idea and very romantic.....

...and I laughed him under the table. hahaha

I've always HATED poetry when it comes to being romantic. I think it's one of the most cheesy, ridiculous, romantic-comedy-type prescribed things you can do. I dated a guy once when I was a teenager who loved to write me poems and I would just DIE when he would read them to me. I couldn't look him in the face, I was so embarrassed FOR him!

I think my possibly twisted view on poetry is one of the many reasons why I am and forever shall be absolutely taken with Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennet:
Elizabeth Bennet: And that put paid to it. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?
Mr. Darcy: I thought that poetry was the food of love.
Elizabeth Bennet: Of a fine stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I'm convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead.
Yeah. I REALLY can't say it any better than that.

So then the conversation with the Jedi turns to like, romance in general, how important it is, and I FELT like I was being accused of not having any in me or in my relationship with Mr. Man. Which isn't what was going on, but you know when you're in a situation and you're not being attacked but you feel attacked??

The Jedi asks me when is the last time Mr. Man bought me flowers.

Mr. Man, I'm sorry. I HONESTLY don't remember. Part is DEFINITELY because it's been SO long and part because apparently, as ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL a gesture as it is...that's not the be all and end all of romance for me soooooo...

YES I love a bouquet of flowers. I love it more when it's a bouquet of Gerber Daisies.


YES I love jewelry. I love it most when it's something unique, different, not overly glitzy so I can wear it on a regular basis.

But why are flowers, jewelry, poetry, and boxes of chocolate all "romantic"? I mean, that's so....cliche! It's like that movie (and book? I haven't read it...) "He's Just Not That Into You" (LOVE this movie! LOVE LOVE it!) where girls all WISH they were "the exception" but in reality we're all "the rule." Sure, ABSOLUTELY, yes. In a relationship, YES!

But I'm IN my relationship. We're happy. We're done with the dating drama and all the garbage about reading signs and figuring the other person out.... I'd challenge anyone to say they know me better that Mr. Man...I mean, there's a good chance my Mom might beat him BUT he's for the most part been very much with me and a huge part of my life for the past 7 years (holy cow - can you believe we've been married 6.5 years? Me either! CRAZY!). He's seen every which side of me and THEN some! (The poor guy! hahaha!)

So in MY relationship I want to be the exception. I don't WANT to be the flowers-poetry-and-chocolates rule of romance. I want REAL romance.

I want help with the dishes.

I want help with the laundry.

I want to not have to ask for the garbage to get taken out.

I want to never feel the need to clean the toilet because it's always already done.

Occasionally I want a night away from my house, with an evening fully planned for me, even if it is the cop-out-date of dinner and a movie, because I LOVE chatting over dinner and I LOVE LOVE going to the movies.

I would rather Mr. Man come home with some money in an envelope labelled "new running bra" than a bouquet of flowers. I really would. I should go out and get one but it feels like an extravagance and so I keep putting it off. I want my Mr. to KNOW that about me and when he can afford it to not waste our hard-earned money on some flowers that are going to wilt.

I'd prefer getting GLEE on DVD to a bouquet of flowers, a limerick about my eye colour, or a candlelight dinner for two (though if I didn't have to cook the dinner that would definitely be welcomed!)

I'd love to come home one day and have all the Christmas lights down from the front of the house.

I'd rather some free time away from being the main caregiver for Little Miss so I can go for a nice long run.

YES flowers can be romantic. And Jedi, I'm sorry to say it but for me, poetry NEVER is. That doesn't mean it isn't, it's just REALLY not for me. AND there are many many many many things I would prefer to a bouquet of flowers, even the Gerber daisies.

What things do you find romantic?

The Lost Voice

Sooo I've been wrestling a bit with whether or not to write about my cold, opening night, and all the events leading up to it because, really, NONE of this has anything to do with the "subject" of the blog, except perhaps my being sick and the anti-health that is... AND because I don't think I can talk about it without bringing religion and my beliefs into it and I think I've managed quite well to like, NEVER be preachy or whatever. hahaha Anyway, so JUST warning anyone who might care to be warned. hahaha

So yeah. I wrote before about the play and the ridiculousness that has me a pretty darned important role in the play. And then earlier this week I wrote, surprise surprise, about me being sick. I KNOW that me being sick is NOT a novel topic for this blog - I get sick ALL THE FREAKING TIME. (I asked my doctor about it once, like, WHAT the heck is up with my immune system or the complete and utter lack thereof, and she just aid I keep coming up against stuff that I'm not immune too! So...there ya' go. If you've got something I WILL catch it, so please stay the heck away! Seriously, I'm like, the most sickly health-fanatic I've ever heard of.)

Okay, so. I got sick on Monday. Dress rehearsal was scheduled for Thursday, opening night on Friday, etc. etc. Sooo yeah, I spent a little WAY too much time this week stressing out about whether or not I'd be able to sing.

I'm a HUGE believer in God, in His power over everything. I believe there's a PLAN and while I do NOT believe in fate I do believe that He is in control of everything, knows exactly what's going on where, everywhere, with everyone, and even the BAD stuff happens for some reason that He has.

So on a scale of bad stuff happening me getting this cold is like, a zero. This is SO not a big deal. Except that I'm in this play, and there are OODLES of people who have put in RIDICULOUS amounts of ridiculously hard work, and there are OODLES of people coming to see the play.....aaaaaaand even though there are oodles of people involved there aren't enough of us with enough time for there to be understudies for the parts.

Right. So no understudy. Sick with a cold.

I spent a LOT of time on my knees this week. BEGGING the Lord for a miracle. I KNOW that all He has to do is, whatever it is that He does and in an INSTANT my cold can be completely and totally eliminated. Just, POOF, gone. BUT that while that may be what I'M begging for, it may not be exactly how it's going to work. He CAN make me better in an instant, or for some reason that only He will ever know...he'll leave me with my cold through opening & second shows. So I find Ihave to be careful what it is that I'm asking Him for, you know? 'Cause I don't want Him to have to say NO! hahaha So instead of asking (or demanding?) specifically HEAL ME NOW! I'd phrase it something more like..."thou canst heal me in an instant....please just bless me that I'll be able to get through the song on Friday night!" Right? 'Cause maybe, for WHATEVER, WEIRD reason, I'm supposed to be sick right now. Sure, why not. Right?

So it's Thursday night. I, feeling like death and having little to no voice to even SPEAK with, hop in the van with my carpooling buddies to head to dress rehearsal. I figure I can at least put on my costume and stand like a prop or something.

But by the time we get to the venue I've had it. RaeDawn is with me and helps me track down the Director to apprise him of the situation. That man was great - didn't even bat an eyelash. Asked if I could put on my costume and stand around for blocking, and was absolutely CERTAIN I'd be able to sing the part the next night.

Then he went and round up an understudy for me. With about 15 minutes notice this darling woman grabbed a script, practiced the song, was given a few very brief instructions about the acting, and dove in.

I got to sit in the back of the auditorium with my box of tissue and a garbage pail to collect the snot-filled ones in, and watch the show. (It's pretty good! Hooray!)

Right before the play started I ran into two missionaries who have been acting as ushers for the performances. I was like, OH, great! We ran to get Mr. Man and one of the Elders (what we call missionaries) helped Mr. Man give me a healing blessing (okay, if you DON'T understand that just...leave it for now. hahaha!) My blessing said Heavenly Father's aware, loves me, is proud of me, and I'll recover quickly from my cold.

By the end of the show that night I felt actually pretty good. Still little to no voice, but with additional prayers from I swear, every single cast member (at least it seemed!) FRIDAY came and I could sing.

Now don't get me wrong - it was NOT my best. I definitely sounded like I had a cold, but at least I could get the notes OUT and stay in tune. ;) It WAS my miracle. INSANE. Apparently backstage was the quietest when I went to sing because everyone was itching to hear if I'd be able to or not after all that praying!

Huzzah! Faith: 1. Adversary: 0.

SATURDAY MORNING I get up. Voice still isn't back. I feel great but the voice...yeah. Not good. But I leave it for a while. I don't want to test too early and strain it and not be able to sing that evening. But even if I have no voice all day I'll be fine, right? I mean, HELLO miracle?

I tested the voice briefly in the late afternoon.

Bad news.

Definitely can't sing.

Definitely can't sustain that high note (which on a regular day is SO not a high note! UGH!) DEFINITELY sound like garbage.

Oh. Mi. Gosh.

After some slight panic I'm all, oh it'll be fine. The Lord got me through last night, He's not going to leave me stranded tonight. But just in case I got BACK down on my knees to BEG for assistance. hahaha 'Cause OBVIOUSLY I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own.

Spent the WHOLE first act, sitting, waiting. Not feeling anything different in my voice. Definitely still sounding like a man when responding to questions (and constantly being told to not talk - so STOP TALKING TO ME so I CAN stop talking! GAH!) Then I got called up to be fit for my microphone (they tape them to our faces - it's weird and doesn't like staying put for me!). Then intermission was ending and I headed backstage. Then I was onstage, but it's a silent scene. Then it's the scene before my "big" scene. Then, it's my scene. Moment of truth.

I've been sucking on lozenges, eating honey, drinking Yoli and water, TRYING to keep the talking, at least DOWN if not to a minimum (I'm sorry - I'm one of these horrible people who when someone speaks to me I usually acknowledge them and speak back to them. I KNOW, I'm horrid).

Song starts.

I start singing.

Or..honking? What WAS that sound? UGH! Missed the first note, got back on, tried to move to another note, voice cracked, wheezed, broke....hit another note, screeched one for a split second before disappearing....

It was AWFUL. AWFUL. I just COULDN'T get the sound out. Couldn't do it. I was TRYING.

So here I am in front of a couple hundred people (maybe a few? venue's not huge, thank goodness, but we have all the cast and crew, too...) making a complete fool out of myself, TRYING to sing this incredibly beautiful song meant to portray Mary Magdalene's anguish that not only has Christ been killed but now that His body's gone missing. And I'm RUINING it. RUINING it.

I honestly started crying between breaths and croaks and the odd good note. I mean, the show must go on, right? Even though it's not really, it just keeps on going regardless of whether you're ready or not.

The final part of the song has me sitting at the edge of the stage, about 3 or 4 feet from the folks in the front row, and I can totally see them and I'm bawling, trying to squawk out some semblance of a melody. I think part of me was feeling a bit betrayed and let down - I sang it last night, Lord, where did You GO? I need HELP! WHY WHY aren't You with me tonight? What did I do? In the grand scheme of things this is SO not important, but here, right now, for these people, and those who've put in ALL this work, this is IMPORTANT and I'm TRYING and HELP ME PLEASE!

It was humiliating.

I trudged back to the tomb at the end of the song and for the first time on stage literally wept. And I thought, well, she's supposed to have been weeping, so that's fine.

We finish the scene - Mary Magdalene sees the resurrected Saviour and leaves to tell the brethren. I dash offstage, which is normal for the end of that scene, but ohmigosh, I couldn't get off fast enough.

I got behind that curtain and just BAWLED. I sobbed and sobbed - oh it was HORRIBLE. I just felt so horribly disappointed in myself, let down...i was SO upset. But we had to snap me out of it quick and fix my tremendously ruined stage makeup (MAN does it run when you're wearing it that thick! hahaha YIKES!) so I could get back out there and try to choke out "Peter! Oh Peter," and the rest of my lines.

When I was finally finished for that performance I was SO relived.

But then I had some time to think about it. And some wonderfully supportive people and feedback helped, too. Everyone backstage just said my lack of voice helped ADD to it, and it sounded like I had been crying and that added so much to the spirit of the song. Of course, they couldn't see backstage that I WAS sobbing my way through the disaster, but in retrospect they're totally right - she WAS weeping. When Christ showed Himself to her at the tomb He DID ask, "woman, why weepest thou? Whom seekest thou?" And having the complete and utter inability to sing that song the way I wanted to made ME weep and made it look like I was actually able to channel some of her feelings. So no, it wasn't an amazing spiritual moment for ME while it was going on, but I guarantee that someone in that building who could hear or see what was going on last night needed to see Mary Magdalene weeping at the tomb, abd because the Lord DIDN'T answer my prayers the way I had begged Him to I was able to do that.

That doesn't mean I'm not hoping with everything I've got that my voice isn't 100% better and back to normal for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday's performances coming up. ;) But maybe that's just because I have a limited earthly perspective on life.

Figures.

image from http://www.oursalvation.com/ralph_and_loretta/sick-in-bed.gif

So, of course. Right? I mean, of COURSE. I have homework piled UP TO HERE, my house needs tidying and cleaning, and, oh wait, it's opening night of the play on Friday.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick. Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhh......... And it's ALL in my throat. All of it. Which, of course, the best place to get hit with illness days before having to bust out the voice for solos on the very top of my comfortable range. Oh how I HATE to sing through a cold. It's SO hard and often impossible... it takes ALL the fun out of it.... aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

So, this really, is just a whining post. RaeDawn graciously took Little Miss off my hands for a couple of hours so here I lay, in bed....just....just PRAYING that this is unlike every single other cold/throat-type illness I've ever had and just...vanishes by Thursday afternoon so I'm 100% and back at it for dress rehearsal. THANK-YOU, my dear friend.

Alright. That's enough of that for today. BORING post, I know. I'm just....gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

Psychology works, right? Placebo effect? So...I'm laying in bed resting, which should help. So YUP, I'm better..... nope, didn't work. sigh Ouch. That hurt. :(

Worst casting ever?

Tomorrow we have an 8 hour rehearsal for the play. Which opens a week from TONIGHT.

Can I just tell you one thing about it? I am not ready.

Well, I've been mentioning it for a while and I'm sitting here with nothing to write about so why don't I finally tell you about this hilarity that is me participating in a musical! HA!

Soooooo...at church sometime last year there were announcements that some guy in one of the wards (congregations) in Hamilton was putting on this "sacred musical drama" called Saviour of the World. Auditions were to be held whenever and blah blah blah. I didn't REALLY pay much attention, I'm SO into musical theatre.

Okay, so, I LOVE the theatre. LOVE it. Last show we saw was Fiddler on the Roof in Toronto and I LOVE LOVE LOVED it. LOVED it. And EVERY TIME I see something like that, a stage or movie musical (stage is SO incredible, no??) I think, THAT looks like fun, I could TOTALLY do that.

Well, SOTW auditions came up and I thought....meh! I didn't really think anything of it, I guess. I would have NEVER auditioned, that is for sure.

And I didn't. Not my thing. Though I think I wish it were...

La de dah, life goes on.

Nope. Not so much.

I'm at church one day minding my own business of running the behind-the-scenes of the children's primary between jumping on and off the piano for their singing time, and somewhere in that hustle and bustle I'm TOTALLY cornered by a USUALLY very sweet little old gal who basically TELLS me I HAVE to do the play. HAVE to. She's ratted me out to the director, they need to fill a few roles, and I HAVE to do it - no is not an answer because she'll babysit.

Yeah right - I'd LOVE to see her try to keep up with MY insane kid! PLEASE!

I think I must have said I'm insanely busy but I'd think about it.

Sometime later I get an e-mail from the director.

OFFERING ME A ROLE.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that how these things normally work?? I don't think so.... I KNOW there were auditions?? Geeeeeeeeezzzzeeeeeeee

So I was ratted out and this man went to town, did his homework to find out if I actually can sing, decided from whatever source that was apparently good enough for him that I CAN, and offered me the role.

Okay, so get this, right? The play's called Saviour of the World. It's about the birth and resurrection of Christ.

Yeah, I'm totally Mary Magdalene, of ALL people! I'm the woman who FIRST saw Him after he rose from the dead. Who SOME hypothesize He was MARRIED to, while others think she was a harlot.... THAT Mary Magdalene.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........

Is this man CRAZY?? HELLO?? I can't play Mary Magdalene! I mean, isn't part of being in a musical play that whole...that ACTING thing???

Okay, so I'm pretty sure I looked at my schedule initially and more or less said THANKS for the amazingly flattering offer, but no thanks. Can't do it.

And he wrote back, addressing all of my concerns.

We went back and forth for a bit, and while I started to feel he was more or less BEGGING it was working - I WANTED to do it! Heck, I gave up soccer last semester so I'd have five minutes with my family in between my five courses, but THIS semester I only have three and STILL no soccer sooooo why not throw this in the mix, right?? (Oh, Director-man, if you're not in sales, you should seriously consider it... you got me hook, line, and sinker!)

And that was that. I was cast as Mary Magdalene.

I got my music, had a panic attack, and hunkered down to make sure that this poor, deluded man wouldn't be disappointed when I started turning up for rehearsals. I practiced and practiced and practiced and PRACTICED!

hahahahahaha Did you know that acting is HARD?? Never THOUGHT to practice THAT! hahahahahahahahaha OH boy.

So I get to my first real rehearsal, totally ready to belt out my songs and blow everyone away - to prove that even though I shouldn't be there I absolutely belonged.

Except we weren't singing.

We were reading through the script and "blocking."

"Okay, so I don't have to act, right? Just read it?" "Right." "Okay, I can do that."

shaking head Yeah...definitely couldn't do it. I could NOT READ my whopping TEN LINES without BUSTING into gales of laughter.

When Mary Magdalene sees the Resurrected Lord at the tomb after weeping and turns to say "Are you the gardener here" I managed to say "Are you...the...BAhahahahahaha!!!!!!" When she's invited forth by Mary to tell Peter and John about what she saw and she is so overcome with joy and emotion my masterful mouth comes comes out with "Peter, oh pfffffttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhbbbbbbbbbbbbbhahahahahahah HAhahahahaha - he's LOOKING at me funny!"

Yup. D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R.

So a couple rehearsals later those not on stage are sequestered into another room to work on music, and after a few minutes the director stomps into the room, looks at ME, points and says "I need to hear YOU sing."

Yeah. I think everyone there knew what he REALLY meant was "I need to know that you CAN sing this song in such a way that there won't be a dry eye in the house so I can be certain that I didn't make the worst casting call of my LIFE asking you to play this part."

Thankfully, I'd been practicing. :)

SINCE those few opening weeks, and a few Legally-Blonde-esque versions of Mary Magdalene's exclamation of "Rabonni!" I have gotten MUCH better. I'm still giggling through my "Peter, oh Peter!" line most of the time, and I have a hard time figuring out how not to sound woodenly-ridiculous when I say "Yes! Come, we'll find him," BUT, thankfully, the MOST important parts I seem to be getting through....as well as I'm going to. And I CAN sing, which is a serious bonus.

Mr. Man is in the play, too - he's playing...hahaha a whole HOST of angels! We have limited folks in the play and he's been cast as an angel....who's kinda' being used and recycled a few times throughout where there's not a SPECIFIC angel called for, like Gabriel. He's the angel to the shepherds in the first act, announcing the Saviour's birth, he rolls the stone away from the tomb, and he says something I can't hear to the 12 apostles near the end...there's a lot of music at that point and we haven't had the microphones yet sooooo...yeah. He LOOKS like he's doing an amazing job! hahaha I KNOW it's better than me, because he never ONCE laughed while on stage.

Anyway, it's been an adventure. I'm having a BLAST, I'm learning lots, I'm actually figuring out how to "get into character" although it only stays with me for that one scene (I'm in just a few more than ONE scene....hahaha GAH!) I'm meeting some new people, even making FRIENDS with some of them (I think I've had and have added at LEAST 5 new friend requests on Facebook from this whole thing - yay popularity!) ;) And desPITE the fact that we have an 8 hour long rehearsal tomorrow I'm SUPER glad we decided to participate.

Now if only I can NAIL it in these last couple of rehearsals...because opening night is next Friday....

cringe

The countdown, the break-up, and..who knows what else?

My last final (ever?!?! Sure is the PLAN!) is on April 21st. April 21st.

Ohmigosh, that's so...so.... SOON!!

That's only 44 sleeps from now. (I totally just pulled up my Google Calendar and counted with my finger bouncing from day to day on my computer screen. I'm sitting in the hall in the PhysEd/Kinesiology wing of the school near the entrance to the gym, counting days. That's right, I really AM this cool.)

Yeah. I'm just a little excited. AND although I'm hitting crunch time for this semester (how crunched can it really get with 2 classes + 1 independent study, I mean, REALLY?) I'm looking forward to it - crunch time is when I have no life, no time to breathe hardly, I alienate friends/would-be friends/nice people who may have otherwise wanted to say hello to me, my house gets lost under dust bunnies and ridiculous amounts of clutter, we stop eating properly (and I sometimes stop eating 'cause there's only enough food in the house to feed Little Miss... hahaha) but it's ALSO the time where I learn the most, I'm the most productive, I re-discover WHY I'm still in school, WHY I love this major program, how smart I really AM beneath all my disorganization and insanity, and really EARN my grades.

Crunch time, I wish I could figure out how to exist properly without you, but oh how I heart thee for so many other reasons.

BRING. IT. ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Okay, on a totally different note, not school related at all, I'm OFFICIALLY OFF SUGAR again. I told you about my downfall with those wonderful dark-chocolate-covered Polish marshmallow goodies The Jedi gave me during a study session last semester, yes? And then...the bandwagon...it just took off without me! I just COULDN'T catch back up to it to hop back on!! PHEW! BUT after it's lapped me a few times around now I've CAUGHT it and I'm ON BOARD.

I know I know some of you think I need to be less drastic, but I really find this the most effective for myself. I'm so horrendously...UNABLE to turn it down once I've tasted it.... I just keep eating. Like, coming home from rehearsal a few weeks ago with RaeDawn we stopped at a corner store to get the KIDS in the car a snack....and we bought ourselves a box of flakies to split. On the 40 minute carride I downed two flakies without batting an eyelash, and had my third almost the instant I walked into my house, as soon as Mr. Man was out of my line of sight.

See...when I wrote this post about losing control the other day...it wasn't SUPPOSED to be funny! hahaha I got some feedback about it being a good laugh or whatever but I'm like, DUDE! That was like, me spilling my eating-disordered innards all over my keyboard! Which is totally fine - I'm learning about myself that I'm at least viewed as a constant jokester (come on people, I don't laugh ALL the time!)

Anyway, so as I was saying, it's EASIER to just cut it out completely, for me, than to treat myself occasionally. The occasional TREAT turns into the occasional ridiculous BINGE session and they become less and less occasional and more and more FREQUENT. The more I allow myself to binge the more I CRAVE a binge session and it's just not WORTH it.

(Gaaaaahhhhhh.... as I'm writing I'm sitting here with my iPod plugged in and turned up way too loud listening to the soundtrack to GLEE and I just got some wicked chills - these are like, the BEST CDs EVER! Okay, sidenote over. Okay, not over - I'm having a wicked-difficult time not busting out singing....HELP!)

SO....here's how my "sugar fasts" work - I just...STOP. I don't eat it. EXCEPT "big" events which are to be celebrated with the addition of sweet food at my discretion, but usually should ONLY include birthdays...and Christmas, but that's a good ways off at this point. Now, I recognize that sugar is EVERYWHERE and in SO many things and there are natural sugars in fruits and vegetables and blah blah blah.... I'm not NEARLY that crazy with this - I just won't eat like, DESSERT type sugar. Or candy. Or THAT kind of stuff, okay?? Raisins and dried fruit, apple sauce and regular fruit and whatever is totally allowed. Candy, ice cream, icing, cookies, fruit-snacks, baked goods, whatever - totally NOT allowed. Juice? Pop? ABSOLUTELY not allowed!! (shudder - haven't learned about it yet?? CLICK HERE or contact me and you'll never give your kid apple juice again!)

Okay, is that it? I think that's it for now. Let me know if you have questions about my...not eating stuff. hahaha I can totally eat anything else - I don't often have the same PROBLEMS with other food. SOMETIMES I'll go for a total binge on something if I absolutely LOVE it, but it's more a wow-this-is-so-good-I-don't-WANT-to-stop-eating-it-even-though-my-belly-is-killing-me (happens with some of my mom's cooking and a few of my signature pasta dishes - mmmmmmmm......) but I'm still in CONTROL then soooo not as worrisome. And if I need to re-evaluate later and expand the scope of my plan then I absolutely will. At the moment I'm back to regular running and doing 300. Keep your fingers crossed life stays more or less normal so we don't run into any further scheduling complications and I can keep THAT aspect of stuff on track.

Aaaaaaaand...what else?? OH! Any of you who pray?? PLEASE put Mr. Man in your prayers! He's doing FINE, but he has a job interview this week for HIS DREAM JOB which I am just WAY too excited about - he currently commutes about 1.5 hours from home.... this one would literally be a 10-20 minute WALK from home (depending on if there's snow on the ground! hahaha) and, well, it's what he dreams of doing.... sooooooo.......... yeah. I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to put the cart before the horse, but him getting this job would just be, unreal. Amazing. AMAZING. Anything that will give him a leg up, including random folks' prayers, I'm ABSOLUTELY doing it.

I don't want to tell you all about the job unless he gets it - seems a bit of a bother, frankly. hahaha And that's cart-before-horse type behaviour soooo if he gets it I'll tell you about it.

Cross your fingers for us!!!

I'm done for today. (Thank goodness, eh??) I'm going to eat my sandwich and go get changed for my next lab, and then a run with Steph. Good day so far. :)

ewwwwwww

Do You Really Know Who Made That Juice?


www.blastyourhealth.ca

A Thank-You

So my friend posted this thank you note to Canada from Brian Williams... I think Canadians swell with pride about our amazing country often, but I know we're all feeling a little extra-inflated at the moment after such a wonderful showing at the Olympics.

And so I steal this letter to us, and post it for your reading pleasure, JUST in case you haven't seen it yet somewhere else. :D


After tonight's broadcast and after looting our hotel mini-bars, we're going to try to brave the blizzard and fly east to home and hearth, and to do laundry well into next week. Before we leave this thoroughly polite country, the polite thing to do is leave behind a thank-you note.

Thank you, Canada: For being such good hosts. For your unfailing courtesy. For your (mostly) beautiful weather. For scheduling no more than 60 percent of your float plane departures at the exact moment when I was trying to say something on television. For not seeming to mind the occasional (or constant) good-natured mimicry of your accents. For your unique TV commercials -- for companies like Tim Hortons -- which made us laugh and cry. For securing this massive event without choking security, and without publicly displaying a single automatic weapon. For having the best garment design and logo-wear of the games -- you've made wearing your name a cool thing to do. For the sportsmanship we saw most of your athletes display. For not honking your horns. I didn't hear one car horn in 15 days -- which also means none of my fellow New Yorkers rented cars while visiting. For making us aware of how many of you have been watching NBC all these years. For having the good taste to have an anchorman named Brian Williams on your CTV network, who turns out to be such a nice guy. For the body scans at the airport which make pat-downs and cavity searches unnecessary. For designing those really cool LED Olympic rings in the harbor, which turned to gold when your athletes won one. For always saying nice things about the United States...when you know we're listening. For sharing Joannie Rochette with us. For reminding some of us we used to be a more civil society. Mostly, for welcoming the world with such ease and making lasting friends with all of us.

Where did the groove go?

So...I'm sitting here, at my computer.

Amidst papers from studying for a midterm I wrote this morning, boxes of cereal from yesterday morning, music from practicing for a) a "performance" tomorrow night and prepping for a production I'm in at the end of the month (I still haven't told you about that, have I? Remind me....). There are Yoli bottles sitting around, free-weights on the floor, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, I NEED TO EXERCISE.....

aaaaaaaaand... I'm sitting here. On my computer.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

In my defense, the laundry's going, Little Miss' stuff is all folded....

And now it's time to get off my butt and do 300.



Yup. It's one of THOSE days.

Pride

Reality sets in.

So, here it is, 12:46am the last "night" of reading week. What a great week we've had. You may remember last year we went to Ottawa for the week to visit friends. Well, this week we opted for a full-on "stay-cation" which we just....NEEDED! And LOVED! It has been SUCH a wonderful week being home, all three of us. We've been as busy as ever - I don't think we've yet had a free night? PHEW! But we've gotten so much done that we've been putting off...it's just been great!!

And now I'm feeling the staying-up-too-late exhaustion, and looking at my list of schoolwork and preparation to get back in the groove by Monday morning at 8am, when I have my first midterm, and my 10am meeting with my professor advising my independent study...and I'm having a bit of a panic attack.

UH oh!!!!!

And I'm thinking, oh, it's okay, I'll just get to work like mad tomorrow night and we'll get done what we get done.

Except I'm WORKING tomorrow night! hahaha

WHOOPS.

Anyway, it will all be fine. I'm an expert "fritter-er" and actually perform amazingly well under wicked self-imposed amounts of pressure to make up for it soooo while I may miss the A for Monday's midterm I have to admit....I DON'T CARE!

It's been a WONDERFUL week and I wouldn't have changed a moment of it for a higher mark if I HAD had a little more foresight.

On the other hand...these next couple of days are going to be pretty interesting... hahaha

Wish me luck! ;)

The Ins and Outs of the blog hiatus

So it feels more and more frequent that I go on these huge hiatuses from my beloved blog. Which is ridiculous because I do so enjoy writing down random nothings here and degrading my attempts and occasional successes with exercise..... Since posting the LAST post about my sugar addiction I can't even BELIEVE the number of great "blog posts" I've started in my HEAD that have just never made it over to the keyboard!! I have learned SO MUCH about sugar lately and it's enough to make your mind explode!

No, FOR REAL! ;)

Anyway.

I think we're just still really having a hard time getting in the swing of this semester! Which is ridiculous because it's halfway over. But Little Miss has been sick on and off (now is an off time - she's delightful as ever!), my lightened class schedule has me working with probably not ENOUGH structure so I'm a little flighty with some of my academic responsibilities (don't let my parents read that one! hahaha Don't worry! I AM graduating in the spring! hahaha PROMISE!), the house is in uproar, I can't always remember Little Miss' schedule with the sitter, Mr. Man still works 1.5 hours from home, etc. etc. etc.

Maybe it's just because it's my last semester? Maybe I'm just SO checked out and that's why I'm not functioning? My exercise "routine" is even....let's say OFF to put it nicely....at the moment. I'm SO much less than consistent. Which, I will tell you right now, is not doing anything to help this waistline of mine.

I miss hitting the gym regularly with The Jedi hollering at me "Up! Down. Up! UP! Down." Gosh, frankly, I miss the Jedi! And I was looking forward to getting some running in with Mi this semester...that hasn't happened.

It's just been a WEIRD couple of months. I don't know why, I don't know what to attribute it to, I don't know exactly what I need to change to fix it. In the meantime... I'm going to try when I have an awesome (or at least, a me-voted-awesome) blog post kicking around in my head to actually GET IT TYPED OUT so you're not left with....NOTHING. Aaaaand...maybe we'll get in the groove of this semester by finals??

I am SO SO SO ready to be finished school. SO ready. I even have the JOB I want and it's going GREAT and I LOVE it and I LOVE my kiddo and I can't wait to REALLY be home with her... siiiiiiiiigh

Today.... I did NOT run. I did NOT do 300. I DID eat too much ice cream, and some (some? HA! LOTS!) cookies, and I did enjoy our super-speedy celebration of Brown Mom's birthday before heading out to rehearsal. (Oh yeah, that's a WHOLE other story. hahaha I'm in a play. I know, right? Who in their right mind would put ME in a play??)

...please start leaving nasty comments if I don't post again by....Sunday. And something actually INTERESTING that people care about. hahaha THANKS!

Losing control

I don't remember if I've ever told you about my falling off the sugar-wagon - did I? I may not have mentioned my attempt to get back on it after my last downfall. I was doing great. I was feeling great. I looked great - seriously, I was wearing some things that I generally don't love how I look in and I LOVED how I looked in them. The combination of my sugar-less life and the Jedi's kicking my BUTT with 300 was FINALLY working wonders. The secret, honestly, seemed for me to be the sugar. When I eat sugar I eat a LOT of it.

Then, one night (and my dear friend, please don't ever take it that I'm BLAMING you, I just know this is when it started again...) the Jedi came over to do homework, and being the super sweet wonderful friend that he is he brought with him.....

....CHOCOLATE

And not just any chocolate. No no. This was authentic Polish dark chocolate-coated marshmallow.....

And I wasn't due to break my sugar-fast until the next birthday, but I rationalized. I rationalized that if my army-dictator-type-'trainer' was sharing chocolate with me that it MUST be okay for me to reunite with my nemesis for just a moment. Just one moment.

Right?

But then I didn't just eat one. I ate most of the top flat. Mr. Man and the Jedi ate a couple each, and I polished it off.

So fine. So I binged on chocolate. So what??

I've never STOPPED EATING!! I've been stuffing food in my face ever SINCE! I just...can't stop! (I'm eating "cool ranch" Doritos as I type this...they're SO GOOD).

I went to a girlfriend's house to watch "Glee" one night, and she had oodles of cake in her freezer left over from an event at work....and I said let's go GET it and then ate....at least 3, probably 4 pieces. Always cake-first to save the icing for last. (MMmmmmmmmm.....iciiing.... give me a 'tub' of Betty Crocker with a spoon....)

Somewhere in all the eating Christmas happened, which was pretty intense as far as food goes. Christmas Eve and Day dinners, fudge, oodles of the marshmallows that should have been going into the fudge.... OOOoooooooooo.....maaaarshmalllllooows.... drooling

And I've just...never recovered.

I was telling Mr. Man last night. I almost got caught in a marshmallow thieving-moment this weekend at my mom's. I was in the kitchen, dumping mini marshmallows out of the bag onto the counter for me to wolf down when Mom walked in. I am SO good, she didn't see me stash the bag under the counter, tuck the massive pile of marshmallows behind the card on the counter - counter's white, marshmallows are white, hallelujah camouflage - nor did she notice me quickly close up the bag and kick it behind the cheerios box on the ground while she popped popcorn for our Glee-a-thon. (I put the marshmallows back in the cupboard the next morning, when only Little Miss and I were in the kitchen).

When I was a kid I used to make up butter cream icing while my parents were busy doing...whatever, wrap the whole recipe's worth in saran wrap, and keep it in my underwear drawer. Then I had access whenever without having to put the money out on Betty Crocker. Which is an issue for a middle school kid. (And, actually, a 27-year-old student & mom....huh.)

When I think about food, which is often, I often like, day dream about food. And when I think about eating a doughnut I think about eating the whole dozen doughnuts. I can taste and feel the various Krispy Creme flavours on my tongue and feel the remnants making their way down my esophagus to my stomach. I can easily put away that whole box in one sitting. I can literally FEEL the food inside me. The picture at the top of this post? Is PAINful to look at - I can feel it, taste it, smell it, just sitting here looking at it. I like, NEED a doughnut!

I ate most of a bag of Miss Vickies at my mom's the other morning watching Glee (we had a fantastic FANTASTIC leisurely weekend, for like, the first time EVER it feels like! ....we watched a lot of Glee. I LOVE Glee.)

When I think about quitting sugar (again) I'm in agony - I think about and can taste and feel all my favourites (is anything not my favourite?) and think that I can't do it. Can't do it. I LOVE ice cream doused in corn syrup (there weren't any other "toppings" in the house....I ate that combination in abundance the other week... SO good. Little Miss kept asking what I was eating and I lied and told her it was yogurt so I wouldn't have to share with her.....)

So I think I have to do it. I HAVE to do it. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep eating like this.

And I know I don't only binge on sugar, but it's my HUGE downfall. I don't mind eating the occasional over-sized bag of Doritos if I'm NEVER drinking corn syrup.

.....and I'm wondering if I should look further into this, which I stumbled upon doing research for my independent study on body image and eating disorders. The more I learn about it the more I worry I have it...but then the fact that I'm self-diagnosing negates my concerns. sigh

I have to go get my once again increasingly large stomach tucked into my gym clothes for my Therapeutic Applications of Exercise lab, which is super exciting. I won't eat a doughnut.

I'll let you know when I swear off sugar again for sure. Mr. Man offered to do it with me this time when we were chatting last night. I wonder if that will help.

I need help.